To not react to someone playing the victim?

thelastgoonthemerrygo · 2023-09-18T18:26:29+00:00

I organised a lunch for a group of friends and one didn’t even let me know she now wasn’t coming until I messaged her in the morning. She’s now told me she cancelled as she didn’t think she’d be missed? I just don’t have the energy for it.

MartinChuzzlewit · 18/09/2023 19:31

I have very little time for compliment/attention fishers. They’re so, so draining.

I’d be SO tempted to reply “Yeah you weren’t missed to be fair”.

Flickersy · 18/09/2023 19:33

Rather depends on the back story doesn't it, which you have left out. Presumably she has a reason - imaginary perhaps or not - to think she wasn't truly wanted. Otherwise it's rather bizarre.

CaroleSinger · 18/09/2023 19:52

I probably would respond with absolute silence. Don't feed it.

JMSA · 18/09/2023 20:03

She might be depressed and, as such, have a skewed way of thinking.
Put it this way, if I received that reply from a friend who had no previous form for this behaviour, I'd be deeply concerned.
If dramatics are her usual thing, I wouldn't be so worried.
Context is everything really.

CurlewKate · 18/09/2023 20:07

She sounds as if she's depressed. I'd be really worried.

WorseDecision · 18/09/2023 20:09

If she has form for this behaviour I just wouldn't reply.
If this out of character I'd be concerned.

Original poster

thelastgoonthemerrygo · 18/09/2023 20:11

Out of a group of 8 of us where some are closer than others, known each other longer etc she had a go at me for going out with two of them - so just us 3 and no one else had an issue with it.

She said I feel left out, I said sorry you feel like that and arranged a group thing. Checked a couple of times she was coming and then she bailed last minute. Like I can’t win, I can’t change that you felt left out but I tried to fix it and got nothing back.

Then just now maybe 3ish weeks later text me to say she didn’t come because she wouldn’t be missed.

OP posts:

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 20:12

I would completely ignore the playing victim and tell her that next time please could she let you know much earlier as the restaurant was annoyed about the smaller party as the booking had been reserved for 8 people.

CynicalUsee · 18/09/2023 20:13

CurlewKate · 18/09/2023 20:07

She sounds as if she's depressed. I'd be really worried.

This

CynicalUsee · 18/09/2023 20:14

thelastgoonthemerrygo · 18/09/2023 20:11

Out of a group of 8 of us where some are closer than others, known each other longer etc she had a go at me for going out with two of them - so just us 3 and no one else had an issue with it.

She said I feel left out, I said sorry you feel like that and arranged a group thing. Checked a couple of times she was coming and then she bailed last minute. Like I can’t win, I can’t change that you felt left out but I tried to fix it and got nothing back.

Then just now maybe 3ish weeks later text me to say she didn’t come because she wouldn’t be missed.

She sounds like she feels like an afterthought and the way you've written about her it seems her concerns are valid

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 20:14

thelastgoonthemerrygo · 18/09/2023 20:11

Out of a group of 8 of us where some are closer than others, known each other longer etc she had a go at me for going out with two of them - so just us 3 and no one else had an issue with it.

She said I feel left out, I said sorry you feel like that and arranged a group thing. Checked a couple of times she was coming and then she bailed last minute. Like I can’t win, I can’t change that you felt left out but I tried to fix it and got nothing back.

Then just now maybe 3ish weeks later text me to say she didn’t come because she wouldn’t be missed.

Ugh life is too short for this shit.

Stop messaging her and inviting her, she’s an albatross around your neck and a klingon.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/09/2023 20:15

Life is way too short for this sort of bs. She had no business being jealous and trying to make you feel bad. She accepted the invitation to lunch and was very rude to bail.

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 20:16

CynicalUsee · 18/09/2023 20:14

She sounds like she feels like an afterthought and the way you've written about her it seems her concerns are valid

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Are you also a klingon?

hotcandle · 18/09/2023 20:16

I would ignore it and not respond. Pulling you into her pity party isn't going to make her feel any better.

CynicalUsee · 18/09/2023 20:16

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 20:16

Are you also a klingon?

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I don't go by the name Worf, no.

Gwendimarco · 18/09/2023 20:18

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 20:16

Are you also a klingon?

Show quote history

If it’s Klingons you’re after I never go anywhere without my bat’leth 😉

gamerchick · 18/09/2023 20:19

I'd just send back 'sorry you feel way.' depression or not this shit sucks you dry if you indulge it. It's a bottomless pit.

I have had friends who want you to beg them for ages to come to anything. It was just the way they were. I don't have the patience for it anymore.

CherryMaDeara · 18/09/2023 20:19

I’m having to look up all these Klingon references, I may have over-reached myself 🤣

Curseofthenation · 18/09/2023 20:20

It sounds like she isn't a close friend? If this is the case then I just would not reply.

If I was close to this friend then I would be frank with her and tell her what you've said here, that you're frustrated by her last minute cancellation after her previous whinge about feeling left out.

Save your energy for friends you really care about. Would she look out for you?

Grumpy101 · 18/09/2023 20:21

Yeah attention seeking behaviour. So manipulative and yet transparent. She can fuck off.

Gwendimarco · 18/09/2023 20:23

She is telling you quite clearly that she doesn’t feel valued by you and asking dor reassurance, albeit in a somewhat roundabout way (the may or may not indicate that her mental health is going downhill).

How you respond depends on the message you want to give her really.

If you like her and value her as a friend, invite her round for a bottle of wine, stroke her feathers a bit and ask her if she’s okay generally these days as she seems out of sorts.

If you don’t actually like her and wish she’d buzz off and stop dragging down the vibes, tell her you don’t have time for her and put her out of her misery.

MrsToothyBitch · 18/09/2023 20:25

Can't be doing with professional martyrs.
I'd just reply "I see" and leave the conversation in her court to carry.

MartinChuzzlewit · 18/09/2023 20:25

She is telling you quite clearly that she doesn’t feel valued by you and asking dor reassurance, albeit in a somewhat roundabout way

No not roundabout way, a passive aggressive way. That kind of treatment of people doesn’t deserve attention. She should put her big girl pants in and have a grown up conversation with her mate. Not silt attention seeking game playing

Olika · 18/09/2023 20:26

With the backstory... I would just not response. You organised get-together because of her previously complaining and then she doesn't want to attend. Too much drama.

Balloonhearts · 18/09/2023 20:29

If this isn't typical for her, I'd be very worried. If it's her usual tactic I'd ignore it but if it isn't then I'd worry.

I felt like this when I was depressed. I didn't say anything, I knew no one would care. I just took an overdose and went to bed. Did some pretty serious damage.

Thing is when you're depressed, people always tell you to reach out and tell your friends how you feel but whenever anyone does, they're labeled an attention seeker and ignored. Then they die and everyone goes on about why that person didn't just SAY something. Most of them did.