To not react to someone playing the victim?

[thelastgoonthemerrygo]

I organised a lunch for a group of friends and one didn’t even let me know she now wasn’t coming until I messaged her in the morning.

She’s now told me she cancelled as she didn’t think she’d be missed?

I just don’t have the energy for it.

sometimes even when in the right we cannot do right so to speak

Yes to all of this. I have absolutely zero tolerance for this type of person. My willingness to pander to this type of manipulation ended 25+ years ago.

I wouldn’t know how to respond. Maybe I’d say “that’s a shame, was looking forward to seeing you, maybe next time? Or if you get ready now we could still meet ?”

I think she doesn’t feel comfortable around your other friends and prefers 1-1 time

Both you and her are completely entitled to feel the way you do. From your side - it may be that you consider what you want in the long term. If a friend of mine responded this way and I cared for her, I would respond and ask if she's ok and offer support independently of the meet. If you don't value the relationship then a short reply such as ‘im really sorry you feel this way, this was never my attention to make you feel this way. I would love to see you, so if you can make it that would be wonderful’. Someone's already mentioned depression, which can skew thinking. Her response to you may actually reflect how she feels generally. In addition, if she is experiencing low mood this may contribute to her reduced likelihood to organise things, go out and bailing last minute - all social symptoms of depression. As you've asked for thoughts in your response - I think there is scope to reflect what exactly is making you feel exarcebated about her? I'm curious about feeling particular exacerbated by her ‘victimhood’ status. Why has this been triggered in you? What thoughts govern this? Just like depression can govern our thoughts and therefore depression associated behaviours, so can our own schematic thought processes govern our behaviour - both healthy and non healthy. On the surface - your response does sound unsympathetic, so I'm curious what's driving these thought processes in you. This is not to say that your not entitled to feel this way, here within lies your own boundaries which you are perfectly entitled to have, but in applying these boundaries, it may be worthwhile how you can implement them in a way which is congruent and healthy for you in the short and long term. So, would reporting harshly now, including ignoring her, impact your own psychological health in the long run? I think the fact you have posted demonstrates some uncertainty and reflective capacity and maybe even the fact that deep down you do care for her (or why would you be feel so strongly?) to try and understand your own thought processes.

I hope this helps, along with other feedback, and it enables you to make the right and best decision for you in the long run. Also - wishing you a lovely meal out.

I think I am a good friend. She came to me with her problem and then I tried to do something to resolve it. She felt left out and so I did a group lunch. Meaning no one in that group was left out.

If you come to someone with an issue about something they’ve done you either

1. Accept they might not acknowledge it so you decide whether that breaks the relationship
2. Realise it’s an issue that for you can’t be fixed, air it and move on
3. Or if that person wants to fix it then you give them a chance

I tried to fix it, she isolated herself and decided to not tell me she just wasn’t going to turn up and then tried to make me feel guilt by saying it was because she wouldn’t be missed.

I wonder if she just wants to be invited to a smaller meet? Large groups can be overwhelming and she may feel overlooked when attending - but the fact that you organised something directly off the back of her highlighting she felt left out means that you’ve done nothing wrong.

I understand what you say @Theforeverhome however, maybe she should organise something then, rather than being passive and complaining she's jot getting enough attention?

Yeah I also understand what you’re saying @Theforeverhome however it’s kind of hypocritical that she’s complaining about a small group meeting and feeling left out. Then potentially wanting a small meeting herself and maybe leaving someone else feeling left out.

But I don’t think that’s the reason. And as said above she can organise something.

Absolutely, it’s hypocritical (but people are, all the time and never like when it’s pointed out to them), and I do think you did the right thing by organising a larger meet but was just wondering about whether you might have recognised that as an aspect of her character that’s come out in other ways.

I’ve seen a number of threads where Mnetters complain they are “only good enough” for the larger meetings and the advice given to back out, or how introverts with social anxiety cope better in smaller groups. You’ll know her better to consider this.

Nevertheless, it was shitty of her not to let you know earlier - and by the sounds of it, only after you chased her. I’d have been less than impressed too.

Just ignore the message

Nail on head, OP. So glad you see through her.

Now you've seen her true nature, you can't unsee it. You've got the friendship ick and she will get more annoying and needy.

Oh, I’d ignore her then. She’s being a massive needy drama queen.

There are eight people who all know each other. Are you suggesting it is reasonable for the OP’s friend to have a go at her because she met up with two of them?! How is it in any way normal for this woman to be annoyed that the OP sometimes meets up with a couple of mates? She wasn’t ‘left out’ any more than the other four people from the group were left out, none of whom had a problem with it. Is the OP supposed to only socialise with all eight people present?! Or is it only her one needy friend who is somehow entitled to join her every time she sees anyone for a drink?

Also, at no point has the friend actually attempted to make any arrangements. She complained that the OP arranged to meet up with two mates, and then sat on her arse waiting for the OP to arrange a get together for everyone. The friend could have made arrangements to meet op with anyone she bloody wanted, but she didn’t. She just expected the OP to organise her social life for her.

I am in a group of 6 friends, well it was 6, it is now 5, and I have a case of friendship ick with one of them. One lady left our group as she was getting in strops about not being invited to everything, even things that only a couple of others had arranged as a smaller group.
It is hard when you get some people who have the expectation that no one can do anything unless everyone else (or in particular, them) is invited. Personally, I find it a logistical nightmare... deciding on dates, times, place etc. I am going on a little out of town trip with one of them tomorrow, and another is already in a piss about it.

One of the sad things about situations like this, is that the person who strops about being left out makes people feel like they are an obligation, and obligation is not a good foundation for any friendship. So they create what they fear and their insecurity ends up driving their friends away.

Thing is when you're depressed, people always tell you to reach out and tell your friends how you feel but whenever anyone does, they're labeled an attention seeker and ignored. Then they die and everyone goes on about why that person didn't just SAY something. Most of them did.

It might not be relevant to the OP or the circumstances she describes but I think this comment is very valid and worth highlighting.

People are full of be kinds when something terrible happens. It's a sentiment that would be better employed before its too late.

Some people are attention seekers. Some people feel genuinely worthless and what others perceive as attention seeking or compliment fishing is just them expressing how they genuinely feel.

Can I suggest something I've nicknamed 'Beige Rock'?

It's a bit like greyrocking somebody, but it's slightly warmer for the ambiguous possibly sadfishing/possibly anxious/possibly depressed.

'Of course you were missed! I was thinking of either Cheapandcheerfulpizzaandpastaplace or Wankyspanishtapasthatcostsafortunebuthasamazingbogs for next time. As you missed last week, you get first choice on the venue and I'll let everybody know - I'll need to book by Thursday.'

And if she doesn't respond 'I've booked Cheapandcheerfulpizzaandpastaplace for the 15th - I need to confirm the final numbers by the 7th. Looking forward to a proper chat!'.

So you're not ignoring what she said, but you're not letting it become a big, dramatic thing and you're being chirpy and positive without being manipulated - if she's feeling down and insecure, that might be enough to get her there and if not, well, it's up to you if you do an 'Are you OK? You've cancelled both times at the last minute when I know you wanted to come'.

And if she cancels again 'Oh, that's a shame. You're still welcome to anything we do, so don't worry about that, I'll keep on inviting you until you tell me to stop'.

DP informs me that the regular chirpy messages and comments where he wasn't dismissed or told the awful 'I'm sorry you feel that way' (which means to many people 'You're being completely unreasonable and what's more, I don't care, I'm just saying this as a politer alternative to Fuck Off') were what got him to risk actually coming out and interacting with people again when he was depressed and anxious. But had he had the 'Sorry you feel', was told off or cut off, he'd have spiralled even deeper into depression.

🤣🤣🤣

I like whatn@NeverDropYourMooncup suggests, to be honest I have so much going on with family, work, extended family like inlaws, financial and general life stress, I need my down time with friends to be that, and while I hope I could support those having a difficult time, there's only so much I would have the emotional and mental capacity to coerce and prioritise someone else.

I think that’s unfair. Firstly she’s never said she’s depressed and secondly when she reached out to me I took notice of what she said and arranged a get together - which she decided not to come to and to not even say she wasn’t coming. If I hadn’t asked then she would have just not turned up.

I have depression and as much as friends support helps me it’s ultimately only me that can help myself