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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not react to someone playing the victim?

70 replies

thelastgoonthemerrygo · 18/09/2023 19:26

I organised a lunch for a group of friends and one didn’t even let me know she now wasn’t coming until I messaged her in the morning.

She’s now told me she cancelled as she didn’t think she’d be missed?

I just don’t have the energy for it.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 18/09/2023 20:31

Good grief 🙄

I can't be doing with these shenanigans. She sounds like an immature drama queen.

Id reply "Oh dear, how sad, never mind"

Aquamarine1029 · 18/09/2023 20:31

CynicalUsee · 18/09/2023 20:14

She sounds like she feels like an afterthought and the way you've written about her it seems her concerns are valid

Show quote history

FFS, the op doesn't have to include this self-absorbed, manipulative twat every time she makes plans with friends.

Op, don't respond and don't bother with her again.

XenoBitch · 18/09/2023 20:32

I have encountered people like this, and I have no time or energy for it anymore. It is attention seeking, simple as. And having seen your second comment, people who feel like they should be invited to every single thing also piss me off.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 18/09/2023 20:39

How often does she arrange things?
Agree with pp that can't be bothered by me-railing attention seekers like this.
Does she post the same type of attention seeking memes on social media?

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 18/09/2023 20:43

I can’t be arsed with messages like that. I would just give the message a 👍 or a ❤️ to show you have seen it.

Original poster
thelastgoonthemerrygo · 18/09/2023 20:52

CynicalUsee · 18/09/2023 20:14

She sounds like she feels like an afterthought and the way you've written about her it seems her concerns are valid

Show quote history

Not an afterthought, I arranged the group lunch and invited everyone at the same time.

The way I’ve written anything is because I’m exasperated by the whole situation. I think it’s unfair to have a go at someone, them genuinely attempt to make it right and it’s still not good enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
thelastgoonthemerrygo · 18/09/2023 20:54

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 18/09/2023 20:39

How often does she arrange things?
Agree with pp that can't be bothered by me-railing attention seekers like this.
Does she post the same type of attention seeking memes on social media?

She hasn’t organised/suggested a group thing for 18 months ish?

She will casually say we need to catch up and have coffee but then doesn’t arrange it

OP posts:
InterFactual · 18/09/2023 20:55

You don't sound like a good friend.

LemonQuiche · 18/09/2023 20:56

Jesus, life is far, far too short for this exhausting, draining shit. You’re definitely not being unreasonable.

maryberryslayers · 18/09/2023 20:57

'It's a shame you feel that way, get in touch when you want to meet up' leave it at that.

I hate poor old me drama lamas.

Butterkist8 · 18/09/2023 20:57

No, she's not depressed as others have naively stated, she is a professional victim.
I've known and worked with a few.
Just ignore.
Include her in something another day.

Not your problem.

tuvamoodyson · 18/09/2023 20:57

She’s in the huff. Ignore.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 18/09/2023 20:59

Well if she is depressed she needs to go and sort herself out with some professional help. I'm assuming the OP is not a professional and so doesn't need to deal with this.

I just wouldn't reply. If she wants a realtionshop she can use her big girl words.

fliptopbin · 18/09/2023 21:01

One word. Block. Take no shit.

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/09/2023 21:05

I do think this is pretty typical attention-seeking behaviour from someone insecure and needy. But it seems a bit mean-spirited to just ignore her. Just say 'oh that's a shame. Let me know if you need to chat. You sound low coming out with something like that...'

If it's ongoing typical behaviour though, then it would get draining, and annoying.

Tough one.

PurpleButterflyWings · 18/09/2023 21:06

maryberryslayers · 18/09/2023 20:57

'It's a shame you feel that way, get in touch when you want to meet up' leave it at that.

I hate poor old me drama lamas.

This might work. Not ignoring her, but also not kow-towing to her attention-seeking

AutumnCrow · 18/09/2023 21:13

InterFactual · 18/09/2023 20:55

You don't sound like a good friend.

Would you honestly encourage the behaviour from the acquaintance? If you would, why? Genuinely curious.

Butterkist8 · 18/09/2023 21:26

InterFactual · 18/09/2023 20:55

You don't sound like a good friend.

Oh give over, really?

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 18/09/2023 21:40

InterFactual · 18/09/2023 20:55

You don't sound like a good friend.

So is op meant to respond 'no, please you must; come, you are our social linchpin, we can't meet without you...'

Gwendimarco · 18/09/2023 21:50

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 18/09/2023 21:40

So is op meant to respond 'no, please you must; come, you are our social linchpin, we can't meet without you...'

Show quote history

I mean, what actual harm would it do?

Sometimes people need to hear that they are wanted.

XenoBitch · 18/09/2023 21:53

Gwendimarco · 18/09/2023 21:50

I mean, what actual harm would it do?

Sometimes people need to hear that they are wanted.

Show quote history

From personal experience... it wont end there. OP will be stuck in a cycle of chasing and reassuring her friend, and that sort of behaviour is draining and unhealthy for both parties.

kegofcoffee · 18/09/2023 22:11

It's painful to see these responses of people being so sure she's ok mentally.

The way she's acting with both cancelling last minute and then this text, is EXACTLY what I was like when suffering from bad depression. The way people are labelling as a drama queen/negative/attention seeking is exactly how most my 'friends' responded to me.

Kindness costs nothing and a simple 'Hope everything is ok with you?' / 'I'm here if you wanna chat' / 'it'd be nice if you could make it next time' could make a hugely positive impact on her.

That's coming from someone who's life was saved by a single message from someone I wasn't particularly close with that said 'let me know if you ever need to chat'

XenoBitch · 18/09/2023 22:14

kegofcoffee · 18/09/2023 22:11

It's painful to see these responses of people being so sure she's ok mentally.

The way she's acting with both cancelling last minute and then this text, is EXACTLY what I was like when suffering from bad depression. The way people are labelling as a drama queen/negative/attention seeking is exactly how most my 'friends' responded to me.

Kindness costs nothing and a simple 'Hope everything is ok with you?' / 'I'm here if you wanna chat' / 'it'd be nice if you could make it next time' could make a hugely positive impact on her.

That's coming from someone who's life was saved by a single message from someone I wasn't particularly close with that said 'let me know if you ever need to chat'

I would agree with you, but having read all of OP's posts on this, it comes across as the friend being in a sulk because she was not invited to something previously.

kegofcoffee · 18/09/2023 22:27

@XenoBitch

Sorry but still exactly how I would reacted.

My 'sane' self wouldn't have batted an eyelid and being left out of the 3 person meet-up. But the state I was in at the time, something like that would have got to me and spiralled.

I agree a line needs to be drawn under the whole 'left out' thing. But surely that can be done while also checking there isn't an underline reason for her OTT response

Branleuse · 18/09/2023 22:51

She's feeling insecure and acting all weird