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Original poster

To admit I read his texts?

70 replies

Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 10:58

I met my now boyfriend back in 2017, we dated for a while but I moved abroad for work. He did do something’s that caused me to not trust him. Rather than address those at the time, I decided to end things on a good ish note.

We’ve kept in touch here and there and reconnected 5 months ago. In the time we were not together, he had a child with a woman. He told me things are pretty cool between them, they co parent really well but they could not make their relationship work. Fair enough, I felt no insecurities about this.

For some reason, I’m ashamed to say he fell asleep watching the football. I read his texts between her. There was just a niggling feeling.

I assume he asked her what she’s doing in her spare time without their child. She responded saying she’s trying to keep their boundaries in tact. They’re both trying to move on and she doesn’t want to respond to loaded questions. He responded with a long message saying he’s had to lose out, he has to compromise and she forced his hand by him ending things. He said the reason they are in the space they are is because she couldn’t trust him, and couldn’t open up to him. She responds saying she loves him, she wants them to be able to be friends but she needs space to get over him. He said he needs to get over the fact she is who she is.

I wasn’t too sure how to take those messages, he has been so fine with me. I’m meeting his sisters tonight. Do I confront him about this?

OP posts:
HungryWisdom · 18/09/2023 11:00

Confront him about what? I don’t understand what your problem is

MariePaperRoses · 18/09/2023 11:00

I wouldn't as it will be turned around that you're a snoop.

He has feelings for her and she also still likes him/

I would just end things and find someone who doesn't have the commitment of a child or the complications of an ex still in the picture.

ASCCM · 18/09/2023 11:01

Bloody hell. Forget you did it and never do it again. Why people do this I will never know, it never ends well

Original poster
Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 11:02

I would like to confront him as it seems like they’re still in a mixed up situation. He’s made it clear to her they have no romantic relationship, I appreciate he did that but I still think he’s holding space for her?

OP posts:
Mum198000 · 18/09/2023 11:03

Life is too sort to be second best. End it and go find a less complicated man who thinks you is his number one.

Mum198000 · 18/09/2023 11:08

And trust is like virginity, once it’s gone it never really comes back. Don’t waste your time on this twat.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/09/2023 11:08

When did they split up? It sounds to me like they are still trying to come to terms with the new dynamics of their relationship without falling out. Maybe he has entered a relationship with you before he is really ready to.

Mum198000 · 18/09/2023 11:08

Life is too short ffs!

HaddawayAndShite · 18/09/2023 11:09

You don’t trust him. You never will. This relationship will never be what you want it to.

Cowlover89 · 18/09/2023 11:13

End it and find someone else

Original poster
Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 11:15

It’s just crazy to wrap my head around. He has been so attentive and he made me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. He’s told me how ready he felt to move on so to see him saying she basically forced his hand to split up just feels like he lied to me

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 18/09/2023 11:19

You got that niggling feeling because you don't believe you can trust him. He is always going to have his child and their mother in his life. You are now reduced to snooping through his messages.

It seems you are dead set on confronting him. Firstly he's just going to deny everything secondly he's going to say that you don't trust him - and if you look back at his messages to her you'll see what happened when she didn't trust him.

So either you end it based on the fact you don't trust him and it's a messy situation that you really don't need. Or you confront him and he'll probably end it for you because you betrayed him by snooping and don't trust him.

Whatever the case it's definitely best that this ends.

Woahtheremate · 18/09/2023 11:19

It doesn't matter who initiated the break up, he might have been heartbroken and begging to get back with her. None of that matters if he's then ready to move on. So I don't think seeing reasons why they split are relevant.

But the fact that you've read his messages speaks volumes about your relationship and lack of trust. It's not a good basis for a relationship.

Whataretheodds · 18/09/2023 11:20

Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 11:15

It’s just crazy to wrap my head around. He has been so attentive and he made me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. He’s told me how ready he felt to move on so to see him saying she basically forced his hand to split up just feels like he lied to me

Both of those things can be true - you can be devastated when someone else ends a relationship and then go on to feel like someone else is the only one in the world.

What makes is more/less credible is the timeframe. When did they break up?

He did do something’s that caused me to not trust him.
What was that?

Original poster
Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 11:27

From what he’s told me, they split up a few weeks before we met. However he said they had been chugging along for ages.

Another one of my issues is he seems to be a bit jealous of what she’s doing. Surely if you were ready to move on you wouldn’t care what she was doing. She text saying she’s a single woman she can do what she likes. He replies back saying if she focused on their relationship as much as her being single they wouldn’t be in the situation they are in.

OP posts:
MariePaperRoses · 18/09/2023 11:27

You can have a chat with him without mentioning the text you have seen.

Personally I think you're going to get hurt the longer you stay with him as it's clear he's not ready to be with someone else.

Some people just can't be on their own so although he still hankers after her he would rather be with someone (you) than be on his own.

Find someone who makes you their number one.

towriteyoumustlive · 18/09/2023 11:30

Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 11:27

From what he’s told me, they split up a few weeks before we met. However he said they had been chugging along for ages.

Another one of my issues is he seems to be a bit jealous of what she’s doing. Surely if you were ready to move on you wouldn’t care what she was doing. She text saying she’s a single woman she can do what she likes. He replies back saying if she focused on their relationship as much as her being single they wouldn’t be in the situation they are in.

Split up a few weeks before you met?

Sounds to me that you are the rebound relationship perhaps...?

Clearly the relationship is not settled between them so I would say he was not perhaps in a position to move on.

Whataretheodds · 18/09/2023 11:31

They broke up a few WEEKS before you reconnected. Was that him getting in touch with you?

What did he do the first time round that made you not trust him?

I don't think you're going to get what you want from this one, OP

Neverwatchedgameofthrones · 18/09/2023 11:32

You were the easy back up option. Confront him all you like but that won't change the situation. Say goodbye.

WandaWonder · 18/09/2023 11:36

Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 11:27

From what he’s told me, they split up a few weeks before we met. However he said they had been chugging along for ages.

Another one of my issues is he seems to be a bit jealous of what she’s doing. Surely if you were ready to move on you wouldn’t care what she was doing. She text saying she’s a single woman she can do what she likes. He replies back saying if she focused on their relationship as much as her being single they wouldn’t be in the situation they are in.

You're accusing a person of being jealous and you know this because you jealously looked at his phone to find this out?

TomatoSandwiches · 18/09/2023 11:37

You would be a fool to stay with him, he says what you want to hear and that's it, he is untrustworthy.

Original poster
Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 11:39

I realise what that looks like and I do feel bad. I know he would hate that I invaded his privacy. But I had this feeling and I just had to look.

when we were dating previously he was texting other girls, just generally being a flirt. We were very young though. Now I gave him another chance, and he’s in this messy situation. I have fallen for him, it’s not fair

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 18/09/2023 11:43

Just move on. Get a new uncomplicated boyfriend.

IamnotSethRogan · 18/09/2023 11:46

I think you broke up with him because you didn't particularly trust him. It seems the women he went on to have a child with did the same. Added to this are the loaded questions he's asking her. I don't think he's particularly trust worthy and you'd be better with a clean break. You don't really need to explain you've read his messages.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/09/2023 11:46

You knew he was in this situation before you got back with him so you can't really complain about it. You always run the risk of getting hurt if you start dating someone in the early days of a long term relationship break up. Their feelings will be all over the place, there will be aĺl sorts of childcare, sorting out finances and other complications on top of those feelings.