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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To admit I read his texts?

70 replies

Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 10:58

I met my now boyfriend back in 2017, we dated for a while but I moved abroad for work. He did do something’s that caused me to not trust him. Rather than address those at the time, I decided to end things on a good ish note.

We’ve kept in touch here and there and reconnected 5 months ago. In the time we were not together, he had a child with a woman. He told me things are pretty cool between them, they co parent really well but they could not make their relationship work. Fair enough, I felt no insecurities about this.

For some reason, I’m ashamed to say he fell asleep watching the football. I read his texts between her. There was just a niggling feeling.

I assume he asked her what she’s doing in her spare time without their child. She responded saying she’s trying to keep their boundaries in tact. They’re both trying to move on and she doesn’t want to respond to loaded questions. He responded with a long message saying he’s had to lose out, he has to compromise and she forced his hand by him ending things. He said the reason they are in the space they are is because she couldn’t trust him, and couldn’t open up to him. She responds saying she loves him, she wants them to be able to be friends but she needs space to get over him. He said he needs to get over the fact she is who she is.

I wasn’t too sure how to take those messages, he has been so fine with me. I’m meeting his sisters tonight. Do I confront him about this?

OP posts:
Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 11:55

I didn’t think it would be like this. I genuinely thought they got along fine, without any lingering feelings

OP posts:
GoryBory · 18/09/2023 12:00

If my DP told me he’d gone through my phone then I would end things.

But you obviously can’t let this drop and it’ll cause issues because you can’t trust him.

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a man who I didn’t trust anyway.

Woahtheremate · 18/09/2023 12:02

After reading your update there's no way I'd be putting any more time into this relationship. Literally a matter of weeks before he was with this woman, and they are both still texting and arguing the toss over this and that.

If you stay, you're accepting second best.

Janieforever · 18/09/2023 12:02

Your initial post is so contradictory. You say you’ve no insecurities then literally in the next breath say you’d a feeling so waited till he was asleep and snooped on his phone. That’s not someone with no insecurities about it.

their split is recent, ie last six months, and they’ve a child together, they are still working their split out and how to co parent.

you ended it before as you didn’t trust him and you still don’t. Possibly rightly.

however she’s clearly drawing boundaries and he is obviously emotionally entangled stil. Which I’d expect as it’s only been six months since they split and they have a young child together.

whats rhe point of telling him you waited till he was asleep and snooped in his phone on his private messages and breached his trust. He’s hardly going to think well of you or trust uou and quite frankly he’s not cheating and those messages are none of your business, you’re only 5 months in. Not his long term partner

wherethedevildontgo · 18/09/2023 12:06

Just end it, he's obviously still holding out hope things will work with her. No good can come from confronting him.

I'm sure he feels 'ready' to move on. Because the alternative is him pining after her with no one else to love or turn to for comfort. But that isn't fair on you of course.

You did nothing wrong IMO by looking at his phone. You didn't trust him and you were right. Listen to your gut and get rid.

Mamatolittleboy · 18/09/2023 12:13

Please don’t take this as me being nasty but what are you doing with him? First of all I’ve been with my DH for 7 years and not once have I looked through his phone, as soon as you feel the need to go through someone’s phone you clearly do not trust that person. What’s the point being in a relationship like that. Second, he’s not even over his ex. I don’t really know what you are expecting us to say other than leave and find someone better who doesn’t make you feel like a rebound.

EstieGreenwood · 18/09/2023 12:33

Either trust him enough to be with him and not invade his privacy, or accept that you
don’t trust him and break up with him. Sneaking around reading his texts and then worrying about what you find and painting yourself into a corner by having snooped is not going to work.

Cola2023 · 18/09/2023 13:03

Do you really want to be with a man who got with you 'a few weeks' after splitting up with someone he has a child with?

Way, way too soon. Also rebound.

Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 13:15

he explained they were on the way out for months before that. I just his words for it…. I did think it was soon and because he had seemed so over it. I accepted it.

OP posts:
AnythingBUTnursing · 18/09/2023 13:17

Run a mile! Do not waste any time investing in this. Life is too short. I would only imagine this will end badly. At least you don't have a child between you both just yet. Find a man with no strings that isn't hoping for a second chance with his baby mamma. Don't disclose your gut feelings about reading his phone. Follow your gut as you know if you listen it will tell you nothing but red flags. My guess is if you tell him about reading his phone he will blame you, turn it around and manipulate you to stay with him. But eventually he will walk away from you anyway, he sounds like the type. Run, before more time passes and it gets harder to do so. Good luck.

Bobbotgegrinch · 18/09/2023 13:36

Tell him, so he can dump you for invading his privacy.

And maybe next time, don't get into a relationship with someone who's literally just split up with his ex.

Cola2023 · 18/09/2023 13:54

"he explained they were on the way out for months before that."

So he'll string you along while finding your replacement too.

maddening · 18/09/2023 14:01

I would just get rid instead of getting in to a row about the messages themselves and your reading them.

He was untrustworthy before - at least what you read shows that it wasn't you - he is generally an untrustworthy man and whilst he may be v charming he will be like this forever - someone who puts his own wants first and is prepared to break a trust to do.so.

Daffodil18 · 18/09/2023 14:07

The fact she’s messaging him saying about boundaries makes you wonder how he is when they interact in person for child contact. It’s only been 5 months so I wouldn’t stay with this guy. I think he’s using you as a rebound.

Seryse · 18/09/2023 14:07

You gave it another go, it's not worked out. You'll never trust him after seeing those message, no matter what he says or does. And he'll never trust you for going through his phone. Kindest thing all round is to just save yourself the heart ache and walk away now.

Hiddenvoice · 18/09/2023 14:10

I know you understand it’s wrong to invade his privacy. If you admit you read his messages then I imagine he will get angry and end the relationship.

Saying that, I don’t think he is over his ex. He clearly hasn’t accepted the reasons for why they split and didn’t really want to split up with her. He’s blaming her for what went wrong and seems to want to still control her. She’s clearly trying to keep boundaries and is trying to live her own life. They will always have some feelings between them as they co- parent but it shouldn’t be romantic.

I know you’ve fallen for him but it also seems like the issues from when you were together in the past are still very present. It’s obvious you don’t trust him and it’s so hard to get that trust back.

Can you honestly say you can move past this and have a happy relationship with him? Or will you always wonder what he’s saying when he’s messaging her?

It seems very much that he’s incapable of being single and I do think that’s what he needs just now.

Mumoclock · 18/09/2023 14:21

This happened to me in the past. No kids but read texts because I didn't trust the guy. My gut was right. I Split up with him, and got back together at a later date. Eventually He left and ran off with someone else and didn't bother to tell me. I wish I'd been stronger in the first place and got rid. I don't think you can ever regain trust. It was crushing at the time but now a distant memory. I'm relieved He left now. Good luck. Be strong. Go and find a good one. Big hug.

BusyMummy55 · 18/09/2023 14:22

Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 13:15

he explained they were on the way out for months before that. I just his words for it…. I did think it was soon and because he had seemed so over it. I accepted it.

I was similarly tricked once by a guy saying his marriage was over and his wife has accepted that he has moved on - it was nothing like it... he hadn't told her anything properly, it got very messy and everyone got really hurt by the situation... you can't always believe, what people say - a lot of the time they don't realise themselves, how they are feeling... that's what the period of not dating anyone after breakup should be for...
There are a lot of great views above - in short, I think he's not over her and you are just convenient comfort/rebound - you deserve better... I'd get out before it gets even more complicated by you getting pregnant...

Wesel85 · 18/09/2023 15:31

I have been with my DH 6 years and never once been through his phone, it a boundary we do not cross if u want to know something just ask.

You sound insecure and paranoid in my opinion or you wouldn't of waiting for him to be asleep before you snooped through his private conversation.

Your gut feeling is telling you something isn't right so go with it.

Sounds like he is on a rebound as the relationship didn't end that long ago with his child's mother, however much he wants to move on that won't happen until he accepts the end of his previous relationship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/09/2023 15:48

Whataretheodds · 18/09/2023 11:20

Both of those things can be true - you can be devastated when someone else ends a relationship and then go on to feel like someone else is the only one in the world.

What makes is more/less credible is the timeframe. When did they break up?

He did do something’s that caused me to not trust him.
What was that?

To be blunt, this man is simply not emotionally available for another relationship, and you should probably tell him that whilst he says he's ready to move on, having spent time with him you've come to the conclusion that actually he is nowhere near ready to move on.

"He did do something’s that caused me to not trust him" way back in 2017, enough for you to end the relationship then. Now, there was "just a niggling feeling" which drove you to read his texts whilst he was asleep. And you were right, there was a reason for that niggling feeling and it was that he's been lying to you. The relationship he has with his ex, and the feelings he has for (as demonstrated by his texts) are not what he told you. He may well have been lying to himself as well as to you, but really, that's irrelevant. He is not moving on, he is holding on - to her.

"He said the reason they are in the space they are is because she couldn’t trust him" - so, you didn't trust him then she didn't trust him - maybe he's just not trustworthy?

Cut your losses and move on. He is not your responsibility. Don't feel you have to make him a 'project' out of guilt for reading his texts. Just move on.

Helenbelen · 18/09/2023 16:51

Well he’s been quite off with me today and said he will call me later. So I imagine it has something to do with this situation

OP posts:
DJhowzy · 18/09/2023 17:10

There have been many wise words of advice already said on this post. Although they go against what you feel you really want, please do consider them all as many point to a similar narrative. Now is the time to cut to the chase and see if this relationship has any chance of lasting for the long haul. The simple answer is what many have already said - end it now and move on to a healthier, less complicated relationship before you get too deep, lose your self esteem and mess up your mental health. However, if there is at least one tiny chance of this working, you have to communicate together much much better. Now and forever...

Perhaps 'confronting' him is the wrong word, but, you 100% need to discuss it with him in a neutral environment when you both have a level clear head. No raised voices, no alchohol, no sex... his reaction (not just his words) will speak volumes.

From my experience, honesty really is the best policy. You can't spent the next 5-10 years worried about him being upto things and communicating secretly with other people as this will destroy your self esteem and cause you mental health issues. Although you've already fallen for him, with it being early in the relationship, now is a good time to explain to him your feelings and how much you are on edge thinking about this all the time. Bear in mind you are already worrying about this and you've only been together this time around for a short period and you ended your previous relationship with him for similar issues.

Yes, you snooped, but ultimately you found something straight away that could be a red flag. If this relationship is going to work long term, then you both need to begin communicating fully, openly, and honestly with an enhanced level of maturity. Otherwise your future mental health is at risk and this relationship is doomed.

At the end of the day, if this guy is honourable, there should be no message he sends anyone that he is not comfortable with you reading, especially if it is one to a woman. This obviously works the other way around too.

He had past issues when he was young and dumb and he was flirty with girls etc... well this new relationship with him isn't going to work if he gets up to his old tricks again, nor if he still holds feelings for the mother of his child. She will be around forever by the way, so you have to work with this scenario if this relationship is ever going to work. For your own sanity, you need to have a fully honest conversation with him around where his loyalties lay. Perhaps you should meet the other woman and be introduced as his partner and you both look after the child from time to time? Afterall, she almost certainly will meet another guy at some point so the door will swing both ways. He also needs to accept that. If he, she or you cannot handle this forever, then this relationship has already failed.

If he is the man you hope him to be, these conversations will be productive, will lift a weight off of your shoulders and you will build a deeper connection with each other, more than you ever have before. Then, honest, open, regular communication should form part of your long term happy and healthy relationship.

If the conversation goes south or you argue or he gets angry and defensive at you snooping (diversionary tactic), then I do not think he is the partner for you long term. He already has several failed relationships behind him and has a child (one, that he knows of) that he has left for the mother to look after. He already has you second guessing his actions/motives. His reputation is already majorly questionable and so far (I assume) he hasn't done anything to give himself credibility as long term partner material. I think you know in your heart of hearts what is right for you long term. Please tread carefully and best of luck OP.

Olika · 18/09/2023 18:00

He is not over his ex. Don't waste your time with him.

Helenbelen · 19/09/2023 14:06

So we spoke and he just said that he wants us to have a weekend away. Nothing about her. Just about him wanting to further our relationship. I’m so confused

OP posts:
Cola2023 · 19/09/2023 14:15

Helenbelen · 19/09/2023 14:06

So we spoke and he just said that he wants us to have a weekend away. Nothing about her. Just about him wanting to further our relationship. I’m so confused

You're not listening to any advice so you're dead set on dragging it out.

I predict a name change and more posts about ignoring gut feelings in future...