To admit I read his texts?

[Helenbelen]

I met my now boyfriend back in 2017, we dated for a while but I moved abroad for work. He did do something’s that caused me to not trust him. Rather than address those at the time, I decided to end things on a good ish note.

We’ve kept in touch here and there and reconnected 5 months ago. In the time we were not together, he had a child with a woman. He told me things are pretty cool between them, they co parent really well but they could not make their relationship work. Fair enough, I felt no insecurities about this.

For some reason, I’m ashamed to say he fell asleep watching the football. I read his texts between her. There was just a niggling feeling.

I assume he asked her what she’s doing in her spare time without their child. She responded saying she’s trying to keep their boundaries in tact. They’re both trying to move on and she doesn’t want to respond to loaded questions. He responded with a long message saying he’s had to lose out, he has to compromise and she forced his hand by him ending things. He said the reason they are in the space they are is because she couldn’t trust him, and couldn’t open up to him. She responds saying she loves him, she wants them to be able to be friends but she needs space to get over him. He said he needs to get over the fact she is who she is.

I wasn’t too sure how to take those messages, he has been so fine with me. I’m meeting his sisters tonight. Do I confront him about this?

He's not going to tell you he misses her, is he?

That's why you checked his phone.

Oh just dump him. He obviously wants his ex back. You don't trust him an inch and you're reading his messages. This is a no-hope relationship.

" I have fallen for him, it’s not fair"

Is it possible that one of the drivers for you 'falling for him' is that it returns you to your youth? To a time when your life had fewer responsibilities and worries? In which case it isn't him you've fallen for, but your youth?

Regardless, as I said earlier, cut your losses and move on. He wasn't trustworthy then, and he isn't trustworthy now.

I think he does remind me of simpler times. Times when we really got on, and had a whirlwind romance. I suppose I had been hoping it would be the same again but things are so different

He got with you weeks after ending it with her, of course he still has some feeling, she’s the mother of his child?

I would ditch him and move on, no way would I be getting into a relationship with someone who’s only been out of a relationship for 2 weeks and has a kids. He should have sorted himself and his feelings out before even looking to date again but like a lot of men he probably can’t deal with being single so got with the first person that showed interest 😬

When you start checking your partners phone it's all downhill from there tbh. This relationship sounds doomed.

as it seems like they’re still in a mixed up situation.

Not just a mixed up situation - an absolute bloody mess. Made worse by your snooping. (Which I don’t blame you for, see last para below).

He clearly wishes she hadn’t forced things to end and he’s trying to make the best of his relationship with you.

Btw in this instance I don’t think your snooping was a terrible idea. But it does confirm the old wisdom about this. It means not only do you not trust him (and so shouldn’t be in a relationship with him) but you also did find something a bit suspect (and so shouldn’t be in a relationship with him).

No you don't 'confront' him about his messages OR his relationship with his ex. When you snoop you need to keep your yap shut (unless you discover cheating or illegal activity). He/they obviously have unresolved issues and I'd want to be no part of it nor hang around until they make up their minds. And if you snooped for no real reason, obviously you don't trust him, either because his behaviour (past or present) has raised some red flags or because you have a suspicious nature.

It's only been 5 months. I'd simply say "XXX, I've decided that this relationship isn't working for me and I'm calling time on it. I wish you the best".

Two reasons why he has suggested a weekend away -

1. To make the ex jealous.

1. He has sensed you might be cooling and he doesn't want to be on his own so he is throwing you some crumbs to keep you hanging in there.

^ this. And like a fool, you're taking the bait hook, line and sinker OP. As someone said previously, there will be a name change soon and the cycle will rinse and repeat.

It’s crazy because he’s so good at faking it. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I would be so convinced he was fully committed to me.

What do you want to do, OP? knowing what you know.

You have two options here op- you either admit it’s not right and end it or you stay with him and hope things change.

I’m sorry but I feel he’s using you as a rebound. He seems incapable of being alone and needs someone to focus his energy on. As you said, he’s good at faking it. You don’t deserve a life of being second best or a life of hoping he isn’t messaging and longing after someone else.

Well he IS fully committed to you when he is with you. Just likes to keep his options open.

and with a kid between then she will always be on the scene. I would move on asap

Of course he's good at it!! He's good at it because it works for him.

So many men can 'compartmentalize'. Like the old CSNY song says "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with". They don't really see how dishonest that is and so unfair to that 'one they're with'. They truly believe that they love 'Ms Right Now' because it's comfortable, fun, and they get sex. What's not to love? But when 'Ms Right' (even if she's Ms 'Ex'-Right) comes along, they'll be off like a shot.

But like I said, I wouldn't bother to have some kind of 'talk' with him about all this. I'd just say "Not working for me. Bye bye Felipe!".

I have ended things. I have felt awful these past few days, I didn’t mention what I saw. I just said I think he has a few things he needs to work out with his child’s mother. He hasn’t gotten in touch with me yet but there isn’t much he could say.

Thank you everyone for your advice and your messages. I appreciate it

I think you did the right thing. It hurts now but it's better to be with someone who is emotionally available and with you because he wants to be with you, not because someone else is not having him.

You've done the right thing. He is not emotionally available to a new relationship with you, and you deserve better than a faked relationship.

You've absolutely done the right thing.

He was not in a position to be in another relationship when the previous one wasn't fully resolved for whatever reasons.

Well done,

Stick with it. Now go and find all the things that make you happy out side of Men. No doubt your Mr Right is just around the corner.
Woop woop.