My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

It's context.

People aren't (initially, although this thread has gone down a rabbit hole a bit) bad mouthing large families.

This is about a woman deciding to have a 5th child, then complaining someone else won't do a 120 mile round trip to look after her other 4. It's people pointing out the very relevant fact that if she hadn't chosen to have so many children, she wouldn't be so stuck for childcare. She knew she had no support in place, yet seems upset that she's chosen to have a 5th child...and there's no support in place. Rather than taking accountability for the consequences of her chosen actions, it's her mother's fault for not stepping in and sorting out the problem for her.

She's also got a husband, a brother (and wife?) and both her husband's parents, none of whom she appears to have asked to help out.

We have 3DC. None of the grandparents have had the youngest two, even for an afternoon. They are nearly 4. So we don't get ourselves into situations where we can't provide childcare, then complain that the grandparents are refusing to help out.

We did, because we planned and took responsibility for the number of children we could cope with, emotionally, practically and financially. We didn't factor in family support because logistically, they were too far away for that on a daily basis. The kids had love in spades though.

I think the OP has already reached saturation point with 4 - and now is adding a 5th to the mix, and taking a huge risk with the health of herself and her baby?

If I was your mother, I wouldn't help either. Why are you having so many kids? None of us are entitled to help from our parents because of the kids we choose to have.
I'm only 30, my mother has never spent more than a day with my kids and that's always been with me present. I don't expect anybody to help me - and I only have two.
Grow up.

If you have five grandkids then do tell your child and partner they are unreasonable. A sure way to edit yourself out of being a grandparent. You’ll have lots of time for yourself and also to come up with an explanation to tell your friends as to why you are not in the life of your family.

You want her to manage your 4 children
and your having a another
I don’t know ,
these are your choices ,you can’t expect your mum to manage them all.
maybe ask her to have one ,and other relatives to take a different one .
you need to manage between you both
plus I thought only 2 c sections or three at most were recommended..how on earth are u having four ,or five .that can’t be a great idea .
I don’t know ,if u were my daughter, ofcourse I’d be there to help
but 4 is lot for one person to mind at once…you can’t blame her for that

Yet, surely as a mother, you'd want to help your daughter in this situation?

OK, playing devil’s advocate here - and I’m absolutely not saying this is the OP’s situation, it’s a hypothetical

Say you HAVE helped your DD 4 times. You’ve babysat, or been at births, taken time off work to help, clean, tend to your DD. 4 times - and she has had 4 difficult births and 3 c-sections. You desperately don’t want her to have any more kids because aside from the fact it’s dangerous, she isn’t in the best life situation to have more. Meanwhile, you’ve retired and are enjoying your freedom and ability to do whatever you want after decades of working. Then she is pregnant again. Making foolish choices and again expects you to step up. You’ve helped, you’ve done it 4 times and now you can’t sit by, older than before and watch her 4 kids while she’s off making poor choices.

Wanting to help doesn’t mean you have to help, suffer and dig in at every whim, at every poor choice When you have started to live your own life. There comes a time when a person should take responsibility for their choices - not expect others to and the huff because you haven’t got your way.

Well, it's really sad she doesn't want to be there for you and your family.

Just remind her of this if she needs your help as she gets older.

Hope it all goes well x

@ButterCrackers are you one of those parents that say "my kids do nothing wrong"? You'd be happy with your DD risking her life for more children via c section?

That's such such lax parenting!

I am in my early 60’s still working, but could not imagine any situation where I would not help my daughter regardless of how many children she had

You've admitted that your relationship with her isn't great, why would you expect different treatment from her now?

What about in laws, close friends?

You'll be fine. You've been there loads of times already.

Well to be fair the OP has made it other people's business.

My personal views on having five children are irrelevant (I think it's crazy but it's not my problem): I think what people are taken aback by is that the OP, knowing that the logistics around caring for her existing four children are challenging to put it mildly and knowing her mother is the least reliable person in the world, has chosen to call on her mother to step up here.

I think the mother has been unkind, although I can see why. But I can imagine feeling absolutely exasperated if I was being asked to step in if a child of mine was having an unfeasible amount of children and particularly if (as appears to be the case) I'd already signalled that I thought it was ridiculous.

I think the idea that having "community" excuses people to have more kids than they can afford or take care of is also ridiculous. "Community" means everyone pulling together as far as they can for the greater good. It isn't a contract that means everyone in the extended family is perpetually roped into childcare.

She isn’t going into labour she’s having an ELCS (when her kids are at school on a specified date)

It sounds like OP is asking for a very small amount of time from her mother, she is not asking for full time regular childcare. I cannot believe how so many responders are lacking in compassion

Being asked to help when the kids will be excited to meet their sibling would be magical. Such a special time

Hmm. IME kids are more likely to think “Great another baby in the house”

I wonder what would happen if the OP said that she is a devout follower of a religion that doesnt allow contraception or termination.

Lots of back pedalling and tripping over themselves to not be seen as racist or discriminatory, I have no doubt.

Are you a mother?

Are you telling me you'd refuse to help your daughter a few times while she has a c section? Because I know as a mother I'd never treat my DDs like that and my Mum would move heaven and earth for me and for her grandkids, same way I'll be with mine. Its how loving mothers behave.

OP, this is the wrong place to ask because it'll te all your fault but us who live in the real world know it's really shitty of your mum to treat you this way. I'm sorry.

😂😂😂

Thats nearly as bad a response as ‘you’re just jealous’

Honestly it sounds like neither of ye like each other much.
It would be nice is she was willing to help but she isn't and given your relationship that's not a surprise and to be fair 4 kids is a big ask as I'm sure you know.
Honestly I think the 14 year old would fine for a day or two . So what if they live off sandwich's for a few days

Such whataboutery!!!

I guess we shall never know now, shall we???

To answer your question, I have a problem with any religious convention that forces a woman to keep churning out babies regardless of her health or situation.

“Birds of a feather” and all that…

if you already know that your pregnancies/births are very likely to be difficult, why keep having kids?

Very. Are you hard of reading?

You accused me of saying ELCS always happen in the morning. I didn’t say this at all.

You also said “Don’t know where you’ve got this information from”. What information do you mean? The information I never even put forward 🤣

Hi all sorry for not getting back sooner, I have been very busy with all my other dc, and no I'm not AI, I'm just a normal person wanting a little bit of advice/support, clearly not going to get on this thread!

Anyway thank you to all the people well wishing and making sense and not getting worked up over the amount of children I have!

Also to set the record straight I'm on my 5th because I have endo and honestly thought I couldn't get pregnant anymore due to it being sooo bad, and then spent a month literally being horrifically sick thinking it was part of endo, only to realise by some miracle I was pregnant, utter joy, all my children are really well behaved, chilled children to be around so no not horrid crutch goblins who are awkward to look after, and they would all pull their weight and help while I was in hospital!

Also me living in a house with 5 dc in london is down to my dh and me working our arses off to get there and own somewhere, so not rich either just very hardworking!

My dhs parents both died last year unfortunately,
My dad is completely unfit as a parent full stop, not even getting into that, And my brother doesn't have any dc because he says his dw is too fat (she's, size 12) too have children with her, so no not the best person to entrust my children with! So my mum is quite literally my only option and as for saying I put this on her I didn't I asked her hoping she would see that it's not forever a couple of days, 3 max out of her entire life, because I look after my own dc all the time, don't ask for help! Because me and dh realise they are our dc and only our responsibility but sometimes it's helpful to have a little back up/support when things get stressful! I don't need any help out of hospital me and dh have always looked after our own and muddled through, through each birth!

So for those you saying I'm entitled and lazy you are way of the mark and this is our 5th and final also and no I don't need therapy, I do just like a big family because it was massively lacking when I was growing up!