My mother is literally refusing to help full stop!

[Mymotherdontdoalot]

OK so there is a lot of back story here which I won't go into as it is just so long and winding, but the general gist is that my mother will literally do as little as possible to make life easier, to the point where I received a text the other day saying that it's not to her benefit to help me out!

Anyway the aibu is I'm 32 weeks pregnant with my 5th baby and am due a csection in 6 weeks time, and am getting incredibly stressed out about the general procedure and stress that comes with of being in hospital as I always seem to have complications! Dh is also stresssed aswell! So I have broached my mother who I thought might have been a little bit more supportive of my situation (god knows why she never has been before, usually couldnt give a shit about mine or my families wellbing in general,) being that it's my 4th csection so unsure of how it will pan out, from how long my stay in hospital will be to general health after etc! I stressed the situation to my mum and basically said, when I go in hospital can you come up and look after children obviously so dh is with me during csection and then if all goes well I'll hopefully be out next day, so can you come up and look after kids next day so dh can come and get me and baby in taxi and bring me back home to save dragging 4 extra dcs down the hospital and more added stress (taxis cancelling all the time where I am so a pain especially with 4 extra dc in tow not to mention, size of taxis no guarantee etc!)
I also added that if and it's a big IF I'm in hospital for one extra day after csection could she come then and stay with kids, so dh can come and see that his newborn and me are all OK, bring me things I may need/forgotten, general give me a break from being on a ward with every other person, on little or no sleep, so I can go for a wee in piece have a wash, you know the drill! Well that's when she went batshit stating, she's 60yrs old she not doing all that running around she's going to be tired, all that driving nope she's not doing it what about her husband and the dog (who she can actually leave at home perfectly fine) she's just not doing it, point blank i need to her actual words "get over it"and also why can't I leave my dc5 in the hands of there siblings 14,11,10 (we all know how much 5 year olds don't listen to siblings and decide to get mischievous once no responsible adults are around) when dh comes to pick me up with the baby at discharge, we all know discharge in hospitals can take bloody hours! At this point I did mention her staying over in the spare room to accommodate for driving etc, just for reference she lives 60 miles away but it takes her an hour to get to mine, I'm in london but so is my brother who she's visits very, very regularly and doesn't bat an eyelid to helping him out at all, it's never nope with him, no matter what it is, also when she met her husband he lived in london then and she would travel nearly everyday to see him also! She again still nope not doing it, her words again "it's not beneficial for me to do that" to be quite honest, no words could describe the shear anger and upset that I felt and have been feeling, so I got a bit upset and started crying, to which she replied "why on earth are you crying, for godsake" my dh is livid about the way that she has spoken to me and I am not really sure what to do now because I'm just shocked that she would come out with such a blasé/ nasty attitude towards helping me or lack of I should say!

I have had numerous texts from her since completely ignoring my situation and what I have asked of her and when I have broached the subject again been told I'm a fucker, I need to get a grip and grow up and things along those lines, when I have asked her why are you being so mean to me what exactly have I done, she's told me "if you think I'm being evil, you need help, you need to see a doctor" her exact words!

Also so as not to drip feed mine and my mother's relationship has been strained through the years because of actions on her part which were unreconcilable, but I let it go so as she could have something to do with her grandchildren, but that proved pointless because she seems to pick and choose as and when it suits her when she sees them and also tries to control how they behave around her (she has to be centre of attention all the time) there's alot more but I won't go into it as its just to much!

Me and dh just need some bloody help for that snippet of time when I'm in hospital, it is so much to ask aibu, it's literally like 3 days out of her time (which she spends doing nothing, everyday, she doesn't work never has done!)

Also before I forget her husband has 3 daughters and are roughly the same age as me, and she has rallied around after them no end, one time they all rushed down to hospital because one of his daughters was having extreme period pains (turned out she was jealous of her dad and my mums relationship and just wanted some attention, the same daughter, my mum has gotten up crack of dawn with to do carboot sales with her, and not batted an eyelid, the other daughter is a horder and actually has had my mum round cleaning her catshit off the floor in her house and cleaning in general because she doesn't do it, each time my mum has never batted an eyelid and more than happy to do anything for his daughters! These are just a few of the many things she does for his grown adult children!

It's the medical risk she's taking, that means potentially leaving her other children motherless? You think that's good? Would you risk that for your children?

If you would, you also need therapy, it's totally wrong and selfish!

I want five children, so fuck the health risk and the way the other four will be able to deal with the possible result of the the obvious dangers I've been told of!

Because I want 5,6,7,8 children and my needs trump the existing children!

I think its honestly pathological to have five children. For all the reasons discussed here and more. And it's very clear that your mother was not going to be thrilled. (In fact I can't help wondering if at some level you've decided to have more children than you can cope with to piss your mother off).

But still at some level despite what's obviously such a self-limiting thing to do, I think it's pretty brutal that she's refusing to look after them while you're giving birth.

If my daughter were in rehab withdrawing from an addictive drug (completely hypothetical situation) I would take her children for a couple of nights. This is not as self-destructive as that.

Yes you've brought this disaster on yourself and all the rest of it but I still find it pretty surprising that she can't do this for you.

What is your dh’s mum doing to help?

I'd assume with potentially 25 grandchildren that it's not likely she could help DM much anyway!

Actually, when I think about it, nobody from my family was there for me when I had my babies. They all lived at least an hour away too and I would never, ever have expected them to do what the OP has assumed her mother will, and I had a close relationship with my parents!

We made our own arrangements. #1 was in nursery when #2 was born, and DH had to just manage outside of nursery hours. #1 and #2 were in school when #3 was born, and again DH had to juggle things between school and childcare. I didn't ever feel hard done by! Our kids, our responsibility!

Hire a doula? A temporary nanny?

Who looked after your kids when you had dc number 2, 3, 4?

The more kids you have the less likely older relatives will step in and help. They are hard work for us parents let alone grandparents

Wow both of you are so exaggerated . There is no longer a number of c sections suggested , it depends on the person .

Oh stop being so bloody reasonable!! It's like you're a fully grow adult and making your own decisions!

I am just shocked that with so many kids no one bloody drives. A taxi to the hospital with all the kids? Surely the older ones can stay at home.

Your mum sounds like my mother hence why I haven't seen or spoken to her for a decade.

So the main question is why did you expect help when you knew what she was like?

Where is your mil? Your father? Your father in law? Your brother?...

I am 1 million per cent not "jealous of big families"!! That's utterly ridiculous.

I have exactly the family size I wanted thank you very much, and 5 would tip me over the edge!! Just no.

The AI OP hasn't been back. Now there's a surprise.

Sorry I can't help it 😂

True that!

Yes, I think that's a bit strange. Almost as if there is no car...

Some of these posts are insane! Firstly, her family size is none of your business - we aren’t privy to the circumstances and frankly people are acting personally offended by OP’s fifth child. It is so weird. Secondly, parents are supposed to always be there for you whether you’re young or old- health permitting obvs- for those crowing about the fact their parents also didn’t care enough to help them out and acting like it’s a good thing - you have a warped view on what family and community is. Sad

@ButterCrackers

People are jealous of big families.

Really? I’m not seeing much jealousy here. Most people seem to find the prospect of being pregnant/giving birth/nursing for that much of their lives horrific.

I can't remember agreeing when I became a parent to be supportive of my children's batshit crazy ideas of having five children!!

Well if you take that view then I’m pretty sure most parents don’t agree to support tonnes of batshit things their kids so. It’s called parenting and always being there for your child whether you personally agree with their life choices or not

You would not be obliged to ever see or hear about your grandchildren if your kids have their own kids. You can tell them what you wrote here and then just get on with your own existence.

It's great if you got the family size that you wanted.

And it's nice for other people if they also get the family size that they want.

Some people are just really good at being parents. It wouldn't matter if they had one child or ten, they just radiate warmth and caring over the lot of them. Most of us aren't like this and know our limitations 😂 . And some people are lousy parents to even one child. Family size isn't necessarily a predictor of caring, responsible parenting.

This

OP I can hear the pain in what you are saying. I’m wondering if your childhood may be holds some memories of unmet need. I think it takes so long to accept that a parent isn’t going to give you the support you need. It hurts. Especially when you see them giving it to others.

It’s your choice how many children you have and not for anyone else to judge. However, as you do have a lot on your plate now, I think you need to accept that she’s not going to be the support you need. You need to find other solutions.

I think that once you have the headspace, may be try and get counselling, but for now, lean on those that are there. Save your energy, stop pushing at a closed door. Give her some space. She sounds pretty harsh and uncaring. It means that when she hits her older years and needs support, you won’t feel guilty for doing the bare minimum/nothing.

good luck.

Who said their parents "didn't care enough"??? I don't see that?!

She posted the thread, thereby inviting opinions. She can't cope with 5 children without the support of her mother, who she has a poor relationship with and who doesn't help as it is!

The size of the family is incredibly relevant! We will never know the circumstances I guess as @Mymotherdontdoalot doesn't seem inclined to respond to those people who took the time out of their day to reply.

@ButterCrackers or I can advise them they're being unreasonable! I suppose we have unreasonable people on here because their parents tell them they're right...... even when they're wrong!