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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my husband to go to the party alone

69 replies

Twoplustwo123 · 17/09/2023 11:22

My husband has been invited to a big fancy party. We don’t have a babysitter so he was planning to go alone. He didn’t even mention it to me as he knew only one of us can ever go because of the lack of babysitter. I feel really sad about it. We never go out anymore and I used to love getting dressed up for parties. Our relationship is not in the greatest place and I feel like he is building this new circle of friends without me. I don’t want to be the jealous wife spoiling his fun but I feel excluded and more like the back up plan at home than his partner. AIBU?

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 17/09/2023 11:27

I've voted YABU but not because I don't understand how you might feel, it's because resenting him for building his own circle of friends isn't going to widen yours.

I'd have no problem with him going to the party but I would be concentrating on building my own circle of friends, and looking at places you two can go together with the baby.

Stroopwaffels · 17/09/2023 11:30

The obvious question is - why can't you get a babysitter?

Hufflepods · 17/09/2023 11:31

Seems pointless for both people to stay at home when one could go imo.

theyoungishman · 17/09/2023 11:34

Surely you can get a babysitter for the night? Can you use an agency?

whatchulookinatwillis · 17/09/2023 11:34

Tell him that you're really excited about going and ask him what steps he's made to find a babysitter.

If he wants you to be there with him he will make it happen.

Unless finances are extremely tight you can always purchase childcare services, so he should be arranging that so you can go with him; he should want you there with him.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/09/2023 11:35

Maybe look for a babysitter. Then you could both go.

Although it sounds as though this is about more than just this party.

Russooooo · 17/09/2023 11:37

Why can’t you get a babysitter?

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 17/09/2023 11:40

I don't think the solution to "no babysitter" is that both of you stay home.

I understand that you're sad about not going out as a couple anymore, but the only way that will change is if you both make an effort to find childcare.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/09/2023 11:45

You either find a babysitter or you get used to doing things solo. Which means you both, within reason, go out with your own friends whilst the other is at home with the dc.

WhateverMate · 17/09/2023 12:00

whatchulookinatwillis · 17/09/2023 11:34

Tell him that you're really excited about going and ask him what steps he's made to find a babysitter.

If he wants you to be there with him he will make it happen.

Unless finances are extremely tight you can always purchase childcare services, so he should be arranging that so you can go with him; he should want you there with him.

Tell him that you're really excited about going and ask him what steps he's made to find a babysitter.

But you're assuming the OP would be happy with that.

I'm guessing if she was, she wouldn't be saying they can't get one.

Perhaps she means they can't get a 'suitable' babysitter, or that their child just won't settle with anyone else?

Kat19899 · 17/09/2023 12:01

He didn’t even mention it to me

This is the bit that stuck out to me. He was just going to leave you at home with your child and not tell you that he was at a fancy party (that you’d been invited to)? Sounds a bit like there is a babysitter – you.

WeightoftheWorld · 17/09/2023 12:03

Tbh I actually think YABU. I don't see why you have to have the same circle of friends anyway, DH and I both have our own friends. We do have shared friends too and within that there are certain people one of us are closer to than the other.

When you have young children and no appropriate childcare for them to enable you to both go out it is what it is. Part and parcel of being a parent for many people, us included. We just go out separately and are glad that we both get to maintain some semblance of social life. We also often invite friends to ours in the evenings as most of our friends don't have children so that works well at present.

WeightoftheWorld · 17/09/2023 12:05

Also totally disagree with PP who said 'he should want you there with him'! It would be nice for us if we could go out sometimes as a couple but I definitely don't always want my DH with me to all the parties/social events I go to! We are our own people.

Valhalla17 · 17/09/2023 12:08

Get a babysitter and go too....what's stopping you?

Oysterbabe · 17/09/2023 12:10

DH and I often go out separately because of childcare. Organise a night out with your friends and also look at baby sitters so you can have a night out together.

VyeBrator · 17/09/2023 12:13

WeightoftheWorld · 17/09/2023 12:05

Also totally disagree with PP who said 'he should want you there with him'! It would be nice for us if we could go out sometimes as a couple but I definitely don't always want my DH with me to all the parties/social events I go to! We are our own people.

Agreed.

I like to go out sometimes without my DH and I think that's quite healthy, so there's no 'I should want him there'.

But obviously the lack of babysitter and why is what the OP needs to come back and tell us about.

If indeed they come back at all.

poetryandwine · 17/09/2023 12:25

I think some of these responses miss the point. It’s fine if couples prefer independent social lives, taking turns at home caring for young children. But that isn’t the OP’s subtext.

OP is feeling left behind, possibly struggling as the primary parent with the intensity of caring for a young baby. She wants to be doing things as a couple.

This party sounds like something she would have enjoyed. It actually sounds like she was invited but not told, because of the babysitter problem. That’s sneaky and very different.

OP, why exactly can’t you get a babysitter?

Original poster
Twoplustwo123 · 17/09/2023 12:26

We’ve moved to a new area for work so we are far from family. We have a few friends who would do it but only as a one off as they have busy lives of their own. So we’ve got into the habit of not going out together. In theory we could possibly get someone but he hasn’t even considered it. One of us missing out is the norm. Neither of us is comfortable with a childcare service.
I think I feel really threatened by it as we are at a crossroads and we either work on our relationship or go our separate ways. I feel like him going to a big event without even considering me is heading towards separate lives. Especially as it is with this new group
of friends he is building. His new group includes couples so it’s not like I’m trying to muscle in on a lads night out. It is an event you would normally expect to take your partner to.
If things were ok with us I don’t think I would feel so bad.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 17/09/2023 12:28

Having a baby does not mean all normal life stops, one can go or get a babysitter

Notamum12345577 · 17/09/2023 12:28

Twoplustwo123 · 17/09/2023 11:22

My husband has been invited to a big fancy party. We don’t have a babysitter so he was planning to go alone. He didn’t even mention it to me as he knew only one of us can ever go because of the lack of babysitter. I feel really sad about it. We never go out anymore and I used to love getting dressed up for parties. Our relationship is not in the greatest place and I feel like he is building this new circle of friends without me. I don’t want to be the jealous wife spoiling his fun but I feel excluded and more like the back up plan at home than his partner. AIBU?

Is it the case that it is always him going out to these things, and never your turn? Or was I reading between the lines of your post wrong.

JaneIntheBox · 17/09/2023 12:40

Twoplustwo123 · 17/09/2023 12:26

We’ve moved to a new area for work so we are far from family. We have a few friends who would do it but only as a one off as they have busy lives of their own. So we’ve got into the habit of not going out together. In theory we could possibly get someone but he hasn’t even considered it. One of us missing out is the norm. Neither of us is comfortable with a childcare service.
I think I feel really threatened by it as we are at a crossroads and we either work on our relationship or go our separate ways. I feel like him going to a big event without even considering me is heading towards separate lives. Especially as it is with this new group
of friends he is building. His new group includes couples so it’s not like I’m trying to muscle in on a lads night out. It is an event you would normally expect to take your partner to.
If things were ok with us I don’t think I would feel so bad.

What's there to consider OP? If you're against using paid childcare there's no way both of you could go anyway, and it's HIS friend group, so he would go. By 'considering', do you mean him not going at all? Because that's the only other option.

You need to sit down and discuss it.

If both of you are truly dead set against paid childcare then there's no solution to your problem. You should take turns to go out, maybe different friend groups. But that's the fairest you can get. If his friend group is more 'fun' and yours is not , too bad.

If it turns out that actually only you don't want paid childcare and he doesn't mind then it's your problem. You can't blame him for that.

Your opening post is misleading you don't 'lack' paid childcare. You just don't want to use them. You need to decide what's more important to you, your social life as a couple or not using childcare. What you can't do is demand your husband restrict his activities provided you get the same chances as him. If he just expects you to stay home with the baby all the time, then he's being a twat.

Itick8outof10boxes · 17/09/2023 12:40

whatchulookinatwillis · 17/09/2023 11:34

Tell him that you're really excited about going and ask him what steps he's made to find a babysitter.

If he wants you to be there with him he will make it happen.

Unless finances are extremely tight you can always purchase childcare services, so he should be arranging that so you can go with him; he should want you there with him.

This 100%

poetryandwine · 17/09/2023 12:41

OP,

Do any of these friends have young children? If so could you start a babysitting pool? That would be different from imposing on them.

Otherwise may I gently ask why you are unhappy with a service? Many are staffed by nannies, nurses, childcare workers etc wanting some extra £££.

To be uncomfortable with them is rather Precious First Born. And in this case the consequences for you could be large.

Every mother in the world experiences anxiety the first time she leaves her baby with someone else. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Realistically someone from an agency is probably more suitable than your friends, however great those friends are.

BrawnWild · 17/09/2023 12:45

You arent helping yourself though by refusing to ask those friends for a one off favour or not trusting professional childcare services. Are you actually just anxious since having your child?

Whaleandsnail6 · 17/09/2023 12:47

I think as long as you also have the opportunity to go out whilst he looks after child, then you are being unreasonable.

You both wont consider paid childcare services. Thats pretty much your only option to go out together if family are far away and don't want to put friends out .

The invite was for him and you as plus one , so i think he should be the one to go. Just as if your friends invited you and him as plus one, you should go if lack of sitter.

I know its hard to never go out as a couple. We were like that for about 8 years until we relented and found a paid for sitter to use once in a while.