To not want my husband to go to the party alone

[Twoplustwo123]

My husband has been invited to a big fancy party. We don’t have a babysitter so he was planning to go alone. He didn’t even mention it to me as he knew only one of us can ever go because of the lack of babysitter. I feel really sad about it. We never go out anymore and I used to love getting dressed up for parties. Our relationship is not in the greatest place and I feel like he is building this new circle of friends without me. I don’t want to be the jealous wife spoiling his fun but I feel excluded and more like the back up plan at home than his partner. AIBU?

YABU if your update is saying you don’t want to use any paid childcare!

Did you move for both your work, or just your H’s?

Neither of us is comfortable with a childcare service.

You can't have it both ways, though. Either you need to find (and probably pay for) childcare or you accept that you're going to be leading very separate lives for the next few years.

It's not realistic (or fair) to expect him to constantly turn down opportunities to socialise because you can't be there as well. If you want time out as a couple then you need to find a way to make that happen.

My partner wouldn’t go without me if we both couldn’t go, especially if I really wanted to.I think it’s really harsh he’s going without you. Even more so if you’re not in a great place right now, him going to a party alone won’t help.

I think if you have to stay home with no life then so does he tbh.
seems he’s happy to go alone .

if your at a cross roads can you move back nearer to family and get yourself settled ?

I think if you have to stay home with no life then so does he tbh.

Christ, what an unhealthy view of married life.

Neither of them have to "stay home with no life".

There are a lot of things going on this post. That I think you need to address. You mention your relationship isn’t in a great place and I think that is probably the heart of the issue and possibly that is the result of you not communicating this feeling of being “left out”. first and foremost, I think you need to tell him that in an honest and vulnerable non-resentful way.

It sounds like going to this party is quite important to you do I would probably revisit your babysitting options.

I totally appreciate that you are nervous about leaving your baby with external babysitter but as many people have pointed out babysitters are often nannies looking for some extra money and are more than qualified for the job particularly if you go through an agency that has a thorough vetting system. If you are nervous maybe compromise and go to the party for a shorter period of time or ask if you can arrive a bit later to ensure the baby is settled and fast asleep.

I sounds like spending quality time together as a socialising to make new friends is quite crucial to your personal happiness and relationship which ultimately will benefit your child.

naturally you both need your own social lives and going out individually isnt an issue in itself but it feels like this is a larger issue and this party is an opportunity to have a bigger discussion.

Voted YANBU but switched it to YABU the moment I read ‘neither of us are comfortable with a childcare service’!
If you’ve moved away from family, and won’t use a babysitter, how exactly do you plan to maintain a joint social life?
I can’t stand martyrs. Go out and live your life, you only get one.

Jeebus the chill girls here! Why should OP bear the brunt of the couple’s decision not to use paid babysitters leaving the dh to swan about playing the single man while she stays hime as skivvy?

In her update she says that 1) they are new, 2) they need to build friends, 3) this is a couples party, 4) he didn’t even tell her.

Get a babysitter, sure, but also get couples counseling or watch your dh drop you and the precious children like a hot potato.

We moved for husbands work.
The problem isn’t him going out in general. It’s this specific event. It’s a big celebration and everyone will be dressing up and bringing their partners. I would have loved to have gone. I know we have childcare problems but normally we at least talk about it and say ‘it would be great if you could come’ ‘such a shame we can’t go together and have fun’.
This time he made plans to go and didn’t mention it. I just feel sad about it. I’m not saying he can’t go. I just feel like on this occasion I won’t be missed. It’s a shift in our relationship towards even more separate lives.
We probably should have got childcare a while ago before it got to this stage.

Jeebus the chill girls here! Why should OP bear the brunt of the couple’s decision not to use paid babysitters leaving the dh to swan about playing the single man while she stays hime as skivvy?

Who said she had to bear the brunt of anything? There's absolutely nothing stopping her arranging her own night out and leaving DH home with the kids.

In her update she says that 1) they are new, 2) they need to build friends, 3) this is a couples party, 4) he didn’t even tell her.

She also says they won't consider paid childcare, so what do you think the solution is? That DH never goes out in case OP feels left out?

Maybe he doesn't see the point in talking about it and "going through the motions" of saying he wants you there because he knows it won't actually change anything.

Your limited to not going out at all or going out separately with your childcare setup

you sound pissed off he’s got himself more socially established in a circle of friends than you .there’s only you can solve that

at guess he probably worked out you won’t be happy and didn’t tell you because cba with the hassle leave it till last minute then go out less grief not saying thats right but I would do that

You need to talk to him and tell him how you feel in a diplomatic fashion rather strangers on the internet. Your feelings are valid but you are being unreasonable in refusing to come to a solution with your husband! You don’t know how he actually know how he feels or why he chose to act the way he did. Please talk to him.

You sound very passive and expect your husband to make all the decisions. ?
why don’t you organise a babysitter and tell him you are now able to accompany him .
maybe he wants you to do this instead of expecting him to ?

The issue has been caused by your lack of wanting to get professional childcare. It's unfair to say let's both never go out because we won't pay for a babysitter. So unfortunately you can't have it both ways. How did he find out about theis event?

Sorry but you are making excuses, if you want to go places together, book a baby sitter, you can't expect him to miss out because you would prefer the stay home to booking a babysitter. Many of us didn't/don't live near family so we pay for a decent sitter

Are there no agency babysitters? Otherwise it seems that you are stuck and as you seem to indicate it's a problem in your relationship I think you urgently need to solve it.

Book a bloody babysitter, buy whatever you want to feel good and go.

Agree with others that you're creating an impossible situation for yourself OP. How can your marriage improve if you never have fun together without your child? You need to have a) quality time together with kiddo, b) quality downtime alone/with friends and c) quality time together as a romantic couple. Take the plunge and pay for an experienced babysitter. Get dressed and go out and dance the night away with your man!

If it's next week just look on childcare.co.U.K., bubble or similar, ask about where you live, call local nurseries or playgroups and to be honest just take the leap. I often used my neighbours au pair then another neighbours teen daughter (knowing she would be home 2 door down) later on once they were school aged I would literally book whoever i could get, found people via nextdoor, students Union message board etc. you need a life

The problem is not the babysitter which is actually easily resolved if you’d both stop being so PFB but your relationship and the fact you don’t communicate. I agree with PP that you sound quite passive. I’d suggest you start trying to build up your own tribe because if your marriage fails which it might then you will end up even lonelier

Put the party to one side.

Speak urgently to your husband about couples counselling to rescue this marriage before it is too late. It's just too sad to see marriages go downhill and then it's all ... too little, too late ....

As part of that you might look at a babysitter and regular date nights but then it would be an agreed strategy towards strengthening your marriage.

It is you (and your husband) that don’t want to use childcare. So you can’t go, because this one is his invitation. You can go when it is your invitation. If you won’t use childcare and don’t have any family or friends around then this is it for the next decade or more. Sounds like your husband has accepted this is the way it is, but I don’t think he has done anything wrong, you have created the rod for your own backs.

It is obviously important and or a special occasion to you. You need to organise a sitter. Can't Granny or other family travel down and see DGC and let you go? Try asking them? Explain to your Mum.
It is hard moving with young children. We lived 8 hours from family but my mum would come down for special events.
You also need to get some childcare. On a regular basis.
If you are currently SAHM then join clubs to meet others (NCT) or toddler groups. Set up a baby sitting circle. If working full time ask in the nursery or child minder for names of those who babysit.
When you move to a new area it can be hard but you have to make a great effort to get to fit in.
Good luck and I hope you get to the party.

Interview babysitters now so you know them. I have an acquaintance who always moans she doesn't go out as much as me but she refuses to let anyone else look after her kid. If you get a DBS fully qualified Nanny with first aid certificate etc then how is it any different to any other childcare. I'm honestly not trying to minimise your worries about it, I just think some people build it up so much in their head about an"stranger" looking after their child but everyone is a stranger before you meet them. You two need a night out together, make it happen and have a great time :-)