To not want my husband to go to the party alone

[Twoplustwo123]

My husband has been invited to a big fancy party. We don’t have a babysitter so he was planning to go alone. He didn’t even mention it to me as he knew only one of us can ever go because of the lack of babysitter. I feel really sad about it. We never go out anymore and I used to love getting dressed up for parties. Our relationship is not in the greatest place and I feel like he is building this new circle of friends without me. I don’t want to be the jealous wife spoiling his fun but I feel excluded and more like the back up plan at home than his partner. AIBU?

Find a babysitter. You're creating problems that don't need to exist.

Yanbu to feel disappointed that he's not disappointed to not be going as a couple.

My DH went to a black tie event recently through work channels. He was really excited to get his tux on but would have loved me to go with him.

If you’ve both agreed not to use childcare options, I’m not sure there is anything you can do? You’ll have to accept only one of you can go out at a time. Seems churlish for this to mean that neither of you is allowed out at all.

He should have checked with you out of courtesy.

I wouldt have issue providing I equally have op's to socialise.

You feel Like this because he probably is building a life without you. People will chime in and say it’s fine to socialise separately and to an extent that’s right but this scenario is all too common. Children come along, woman is left holding the baby, man gets new social scene and spends every decreasing time at home. Usually ends up with affair/ parting of ways. If you want to go can you ask one of the friends who you think will occasionally help out?

This problem is easily solved by sourcing and booking a babysitter. We didn't have much family support when DC were little so had to do this. I have friends who never go out together due to childcare. They could easily sort it out but choose not to despite there being ample babysitting options where we live. It's a nonsense. You sound a bit martyrish.

It sounds like a great event to meet new people and hopefully new friends! I would consider asking a favour off a friend for babysitting on this occasion. Your dh is treating you like the default parent, why shouldn't he stay and you go?

It's the way it is, it's cheeky as to rely on family and too risky to use a 'service' where they rarely do dbs (just rely on out of date ones for previous roles) and of course awful for the child to deal with a complete stranger. It takes a while to build a relationship of trust I'm order to trust someone with a child, that's not unreasonable at all.

Is it too late? You say you generally only ask friends/family to babysit if its something special. This sounds like quite an event and an ideal night. I'd try and organise a babysitter, an overnight if possible so you've got a nice lazy Sunday. I don't know your finances but could you get your hair done and remind him of the fun, interesting, attractive woman he married.
If when you say Great news OH, mum's having baby so I can come after all...he doesn't look delighted I think you've got bigger problems than lack of childcare.
This is your marriage and your life. This might not be the time to be too proud to do what you can to get things back on track.
Good luck

So we’ve got into the habit of not going out together. In theory we could possibly get someone but he hasn’t even considered it. One of us missing out is the norm. Neither of us is comfortable with a childcare service.
This is why I think you are being unreasonable.

If you (as a couple) are not happy with a childminding service and you don't have anyone you're happy to babysit then the solution isn't that neither of you go out.

Stopping him building a friendship group isn't going to widen your social connections. You're just both going to end up at home feeling irritated and resentful.

@Twoplustwo123 apologies if I've missed this but, but have you actually sat and spoken to him about this event? As in if he would like you to be there if a babysitter wasn't an issue? Do you genuinely feel that he's not bothered either way if you're there, or if he would prefer to just go by himself? How long has it been since you've actually discussed this particular issue? Could it be time to have another conversation about it? When is the event? If you asked him - if in theory - a babysitter could be found would he he happy that you'd be able to go?

I know you say these are his friends, but there are many couples - in reality not all spouses/partners will necessarily be regulars in this friendship group I'd suspect. I'm sure there's even some like you who wouldn't normally go so will be "new" themselves, especially if it as a big occasion that people would maybe bring their other 'alf too, even if they're not normally there for the regular nights out for this group. So, in reality, you'd likely not be the only new spouse to attend. As you've mentioned it's a big event, and possibly one off or not at all often, why not (because it would be a one off) ask a friend, as you say that they would as a one off. Do you not think, that with the worry about this being a crossroads in your relationship, that the "one off" offer may now not be a really important time to use that, so that you can both go. If you approached a friend and asked, and they were happy to do so - especially if they knew why it was important to you - and you told him you now could go, do you think he'd be happy? You'd tell a lot about the state of things by his response to this, I'd imagine. If it's a crossroads/sliding door type moment in your eyes then it's important enough to use your one off babysitter. If friends have their own children (especially also lack childcare) then offer to have them stay over at yours one night in return, for example.

I think it's worth using your one off of this truly is the crossroads that your fear. If now, when? Because if you're right and it might point to leading completely separate lives, and splitting up, then where's the point in needing that one off favour from a friend when you'd be able to go out anyway - whenever your kiss will be at their dad's. So please, do it. Ask him; "If babysitter not a problem would you like me to come too? I'd really enjoy it and think it would be massively beneficial to (y)our own relationship outside of children...". Just a thought. And then maybe when you've had that first night out with you both and see that a babysitter isn't as bad as you think, then maybe it'll make you more likely to consider a paid-for sitter in future, especially if you feel it would save your marriage. Sometimes these can end up being far less important than the end of a relationship.

Apologies for length, didn't mean to write so much and I hope that the app hasn't messed up the structure of paragraphs etc!

All DBS are out-of-date the minute they're issued. They're no guarantee of anything other than the person hasn't been caught doing anything wrong.

Apologies for a few typos, I didn't proofread and apparently there's no edit option on the app, but I'm sure that you'll get what was meant.

Great post, @Whatwaswrongwiththatusername

'Neither of us is comfortable using a childcare service'

Why not? They are rated you can see other parents feedback and they would have DBS. You could also ask your friends or neighbours if they recommend someone.

I was scared about using a babysitter at first but I did a few overlaps first when babysitter was there while I was getting on with stuff and my son got so used to her/ I could check she was competent before leaving them alone.

It sounds like you don't feel that invited though. I think you need to have some serious chats about your marriage and how much you're both making an effort. Sulking about this party won't help but saying
' I miss us going out together dressed up, can we do that soon?' And if you really really won't get a babysitter then have a dressed up date night at home or host a dinner party with your local friends too

Why don't you hire a babysitter?

If you can't find one for this party I really think you need to look at finding one for future ones as it is unreasonable he can't go but unreasonable you also can't. There are professional nannies and childcarers that offer babysitting

If you want to go out with your husband you need to get comfortable using baby sitting services, what fo you think is going to happen?

Why not ask one of your friends to babysit and offer to reciprocate when they need it? When I was young, my parents were in a babysitting circle with a group of other parents and it was great. Very handy when you haven't got family close by.

Get glammed up. Hire a babysitter and go with your dh. If nothing changes then nothing changes. Your marriage isn't going to improve by you sitting at home being unhappy.