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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my mother as bad as I think

74 replies

Frances2023 · 17/09/2023 07:35

Long story short I have had some therapy regarding my childhood/ young adult experiences. A lot centres around my mum and her Behaviour towards me. She can be very supportive at times but other times has caused me extreme distress such as punching me in the back of the head when I got the wrong cloth for cleaning a spill and throwing all the Christmas presents I had bought outside on Christmas Eve as I should have been wrapping them upstairs instead of at the kitchen table 😟.

well I’m a single mum and she minded my daughter yesterday afternoon for me whilst I went to get some things. My daughter went for a nap and I was away about 3 hours. My dad had asked me to stay with my daughter that night so I went and got us all an Indian. I’m alway on tenterhooks with my mother anyway and after we had eaten the Indian I felt quite sick, I said to her and dad I would set the plates in (my intention was to wash them once I felt a bit better). My mum then said to ‘ you speak very specifically saying you will set them in ‘…I said what do you mean ? And she said you said speak strangely, I said don’t speak to me like that , she then said you clearly aren’t going to clean them up. I said don’t be speaking to me like that or I would have to go and get my daughter out of bed and go home. My dad then said you can’t disturb your daughter. I said I was going to bed and I did. Am I overreacting thinking my mother is a complete bitch??? I don’t believe it’s normal to question what someone says about puttIng plates in the kitchen? She also then said she had minded my child all day- she hadn’t. Dad doesn’t have a word to say.

OP posts:
sorrynotathome · 17/09/2023 07:37

What on earth do you mean?

Rainraingoawaycomebackanotherday · 17/09/2023 07:37

Your mother was physically and emotionally abusive. I wouldn’t be leaving a child in her care.

F0XCUBs · 17/09/2023 07:39

I'm not sure what set the plates in means. But your mother sounds awful

Original poster
Frances2023 · 17/09/2023 07:40

She wouldn’t hit her …I have made that one very clear. She’s only a toddler so very sweet …I know that once she is older and might not conform that’s where my mother would be tested- she will not be in her care then.

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 17/09/2023 07:40

said to her and dad I would set the plates in (my intention was to wash them once I felt a bit better). My mum then said to ‘ you speak very specifically saying you will set them in ‘…I said what do you mean ? And she said you said speak strangely, I said don’t speak to me like that , she then said you clearly aren’t going to clean them up.

This doesn't make any sense. What does set the plates in mean?

Original poster
Frances2023 · 17/09/2023 07:40

It means set them into the kitchen - she is awful

OP posts:
F0XCUBs · 17/09/2023 07:40

Take them?

Original poster
Frances2023 · 17/09/2023 07:41

Means set them into the kitchen

OP posts:
WellIThinkILookHOt · 17/09/2023 07:41

It sounds like your mother was being prickly. Well done for standing up for yourself and not being a doormat.

Possibly, you could have defused the situation by responding with “I feel sick and I’m going to stand outside for a few minutes and then wash them”. I don’t know if that would have worked on her. I suspect prickly people find me very annoying because I respond with an explanation as if I think they’re children.

sorrynotathome · 17/09/2023 07:42

So your mother commented on your strange use of language (like some posters here) and you think this is abusive? I’m confused why you went off one one at her.

Anycrispsleft · 17/09/2023 07:43

I worry that you're now going to get a pasting on here because that story doesn't make much sense on the face of it and then half a dozen people with nice mums will say "my mum said I say this one expression funny and she didn't mean anything by it." I would say to you and to them, this is the woman punched you in the back of the head! Who the hell knows or cares what goes through the head of an abusive parent? She might have meant this comment innocently but she's still the woman who punched you in the back of the head for bringing in the wrong cloth. You already know what she is like. Here's a question: what will she do when your DD brings in the wrong cloth?

ZekeZeke · 17/09/2023 07:44

Frances2023 · 17/09/2023 07:41

Means set them into the kitchen

Never heard of that phrase in my life.
If all she said was you speak strangely it seems like a massive overreaction on your part.

You obviously have some childhood issues that you haven't dealt with. Get some therapy and don't leave your child there and don't expect them (your mum OR dad) to babysit.

WellIThinkILookHOt · 17/09/2023 07:44

“Set them into the kitchen” sounds like a regional expression to me.

Unless because you felt sick you struggled to find your words and your mother struggled too because “specifically” doesn’t sound like an appropriate response.

Paintingonthewall12 · 17/09/2023 07:45

Frances2023 · 17/09/2023 07:41

Means set them into the kitchen

I’m so sorry I have no idea what this means? Clear the table? Put them in the kitchen? Wash up?

Magenta82 · 17/09/2023 07:45

Sorry I don't understand what you are asking about, I'm really confused as to what was going on today with the plates and whether you stayed there or not.

However it sounds like your mother was abusive to you as a child so I would not want to leave my child with her. If it was my mum and I did want a relationship I would be making sure I was always there to protect my child.

Sassypants82 · 17/09/2023 07:46

Sounds like 'set in' is a local term and she knew well want you meant.. Her issue was you didn't commit to cleaning them.

Wondering why you didn't explain that you felt sick? Sounds like a fairly toxic environment generally as you were nervous of your mother anyway and then threatening to leave. I'd stop relying on your parents and certainly wouldn't stay with them if I were you.

Cornettoninja · 17/09/2023 07:46

As a stand alone incident I would’ve said that your mother clearly thought you had no intention of cleaning up the plates. That would be irritating in someone else’s house after doing them a favour like babysitting. I’d also have no idea what ‘setting plates’ would mean. If I’d had to guess it sounds more like setting a table. Is it regional?

As part of the bigger picture you describe, I think you need to step away. You and your mother clearly don’t communicate well and would both be better off limiting your interactions if all they serve to do is create you upset.

BeverlyBrook · 17/09/2023 07:49

Your AIBU question - yes.
She is.
Worse as you cannot see it.

Protect your daughter and go very low contact.

You cannot make a normal mother daughter relationship with this woman. Sorry.

GotMooMilk · 17/09/2023 07:50

As pp have said this situation is weird, misinterpretation etc although the fact your mum even mentioned waking a sleeping toddler and leaving is mental.
I mean this kindly but I don’t think you can have it both ways. If your mum is verbally and physically abusive as you say she wouldn’t be near my child. Perhaps with me for a short time but absolutely not babysat alone. Why do you want them to have a relationship when you already worry that your mum will turn on her as she gets older? Cut all ties.

peachypudding · 17/09/2023 07:50

Tbh I have no idea what 'setting in the plates' means either. And I would have asked you to clarify.

If she's that irritating to you I would just keep away.

Dizzybelle · 17/09/2023 07:51

sorrynotathome · 17/09/2023 07:42

So your mother commented on your strange use of language (like some posters here) and you think this is abusive? I’m confused why you went off one one at her.

Clearly there is more to this than the plate thing. In the OP it’s says that her mother was abusive by punching her in the back of the head for spilling something. I think it sounds like the mum has been controlling and abusive throughout her childhood and into adulthood.

Anycrispsleft · 17/09/2023 07:51

I've been where you are by the way and the one thing I would say to you is don't assume that she will hurt your DD in the same way as she hurt you. That's what my mother did, changed her tactics because she knew she couldn't get away with screaming at them and throwing them about the house the ear she did to me. She was much more covert with them and it took me a while to catch her in the act. Till then I never really believed she was an abuser, I thought she had anger management issues.

Original poster
Frances2023 · 17/09/2023 07:52

Sorry everyone- setting the places out means putting them into the kitchen- she would know very well what it means. It’s a regional term and it means they wouldn’t be cleared up just yet, just set out. She was having a go because I wasn’t clear on them up

OP posts:
piglet81 · 17/09/2023 07:53

Anycrispsleft · 17/09/2023 07:43

I worry that you're now going to get a pasting on here because that story doesn't make much sense on the face of it and then half a dozen people with nice mums will say "my mum said I say this one expression funny and she didn't mean anything by it." I would say to you and to them, this is the woman punched you in the back of the head! Who the hell knows or cares what goes through the head of an abusive parent? She might have meant this comment innocently but she's still the woman who punched you in the back of the head for bringing in the wrong cloth. You already know what she is like. Here's a question: what will she do when your DD brings in the wrong cloth?

Definitely this.

charabang · 17/09/2023 07:54

I've not heard that term before so I would question it myself. Obviously your relationship isn't great but based on this incident it sounds like she's commenting you're only taking the plates as far as the kitchen and have no intention of washing then and there, which was true. Is that right?
Sounds like mum knows what buttons and you've over-reacted.