Is my mother as bad as I think

[Frances2023]

Long story short I have had some therapy regarding my childhood/ young adult experiences. A lot centres around my mum and her Behaviour towards me. She can be very supportive at times but other times has caused me extreme distress such as punching me in the back of the head when I got the wrong cloth for cleaning a spill and throwing all the Christmas presents I had bought outside on Christmas Eve as I should have been wrapping them upstairs instead of at the kitchen table 😟.

well I’m a single mum and she minded my daughter yesterday afternoon for me whilst I went to get some things. My daughter went for a nap and I was away about 3 hours. My dad had asked me to stay with my daughter that night so I went and got us all an Indian. I’m alway on tenterhooks with my mother anyway and after we had eaten the Indian I felt quite sick, I said to her and dad I would set the plates in (my intention was to wash them once I felt a bit better). My mum then said to ‘ you speak very specifically saying you will set them in ‘…I said what do you mean ? And she said you said speak strangely, I said don’t speak to me like that , she then said you clearly aren’t going to clean them up. I said don’t be speaking to me like that or I would have to go and get my daughter out of bed and go home. My dad then said you can’t disturb your daughter. I said I was going to bed and I did. Am I overreacting thinking my mother is a complete bitch??? I don’t believe it’s normal to question what someone says about puttIng plates in the kitchen? She also then said she had minded my child all day- she hadn’t. Dad doesn’t have a word to say.

I'm always on tenterhooks with my mother, it's impossible to relax as I'm waiting for the nasty digs which she hides in normal conversation.

I only see her a few times a year and she isn't very involved with my now older teens.

I can see how an already fraught relationship can turn into a row with one comment, however innocent it may sound to others.

Do yourself and your daughter a favour and step back, see them a lot less and don't leave your daughter with her.

WTAF.

Somebody hasn't read the thread.

Never heard of the phrase set the plates in.
However, your mother is abusive. Consider going NC with her.

I think her point was that you said you’d take the plates through, not wash up. Really instead of going off on one you could have said ‘yes, I’m not feeling well so I’ll take them through then have 5 minutes and wash them a bit later’

That’s in isolation though. I wouldn’t be spending time or allowing my child to be unattended with someone who hit me as a child

@Frances2023 “I know that once she is older and might not conform that’s where my mother would be tested- she will not be in her care then.”

1. how are you going to time this magic moment before and after abuse starting? (Which anyway won’t start with her hitting)
2. how are you planning to explain to your child that the years they’ve spent enjoying time with granny are now over, because - guess what?! - that woman you love can’t be trusted

That’s just not going to work.

It’s unfortunate that your example is not a common phrase (my reaction was “say what now?” before I got to you writing about your mum’s reaction - but I’m able to just read the whole post and infer) because it’s taking replies off at a tangent.

But you know she was just picking on anything to bully you. You’re right - she’s a bitch. Your dad’s pathetic too.

I think you massively over reacted but that what you're actually reacting to is previous abuse/trauma that you're beginning to work through. So you're not over reacting in that sense.

I recommend talking through this particular scenario with your therapist next time you speak to them to get their professional advice.

YABU
You overreacted in this scenario.

But that is because you’re always on edge because of her past behaviour and you won’t put up with it any more.

What I don’t understand is if your mum was looking after your DD, why did your dad tell you to come back?

Do you live with your parents?

Sounds like a small issue but the straw on the camels back as her previous behaviour is very abusive and concerning. Is she like this with you now, as an adult?

Would also be concerned at leaving your child with her.

I don't think she was unreasonable about the plate thing, no. But she has been full on abusive to you before, and I think that you need to stop your daughter from establishing a relationship with someone who is going to turn on her when she's older. Don't let your mum do favours for you, don't be beholden to her. And at the very least go nc.

Obviously there is history here. How often does your mum care for your toddler? I think given she had been watching her for at least 3 hours you could have washed up the plates at least as presumably a takeaway no pots etc to wash up. If you felt well enough to eat an Indian takeaway then surely a bit of washing up wouldn't have killed you? The other stuff sounds horrible but I don't understand why you still see her or at least keep minimal contact.

Why did your Dad ask you to stay the night? Do your parents often have her overnight?

I think in answer to your question yes your mum is a complete bitch but not necessarily based on your last, rather confusing, example. I’m guessing if she wasn’t already a complete bitch you wouldn’t have taken offence though. I think you either need to heal past wounds with her (is she prepared to take responsibility and give you a heartfelt apology and assure she won’t treat you in those ways again) or you’ll end up LC/NC anyway.

@GoryBory “Do you live with your parents?”

If she does, then she wouldn’t have posted the bit about dad asking them to stay over, or about taking her daughter out of bed to take her home.

I don’t need to judge the regional term, I can go by your childhood experiences to say she wouldn’t be looking after my daughter. Your instincts aren’t wrong OP, she’s awful, steer clear.

Oh yes of course, silly me 🤦‍♀️

Exactly. I’ve never heard the term before but it was pretty obvious it was a regionalism. I didn’t know if it perhaps meant “leave to soak” but either way the issue was clear.

OP, I too have an abusive mother and I get it. I also understand why you would keep going back, acting as if nothing’s wrong, questioning yourself. People with normal mother/child relationships think that you’re referring to a normal family squabble or someone being in a bad mood. Honestly there’s no coming back from someone hitting you on the head. I think deep down you know the answer here.

I’ve never heard the expression set the plates either. But I have to say that’s irrelevant anyway. She punched you in the back of the head! That’s the issue.

Never heard of the phrase either. As an isolated incident its a massive overreaction. As an indicent from an abusive mother its another form of her bullying.

You're a bigger person than me, I'd be NC and she would be nowhere near my child.

I agree with this

I feel like I understand the essence of this (even though that term isn't used where I am either) that's not the point.

The point is as I understand it that your mother very suddenly over reacted to very little. Instantly the atmosphere changed to one where you were cast in the role of villain and your father backed up this narrative. You didn't even understand why the thing held against you mattered so much, but it did, and your father was all set to back up your mother in this narrative.

IF I'VE UNDERSTOOD CORRECTLY THEN I COMPLETELY RELATE. Because this is how my family works too.

Rule 1) mother is never ever wrong.
Rule 2) any attempt to present an alternative narrative will be perceived as aggression, or ''hurting mum''
Rule 3) my father backs up my mother, no matter what. If my mother wanted his help burying my body, he would assist her covering it up.

Also, another parallel, your daughter must be protected (good). Her feelings are considered (good). But you must absorb their weirdness in order to protect her. It's not that they must not be weird/selfish/distorted in their thinking.

This is rule 4 in my family - Ragamuffin's feelings never ever matter.

Rule 5) Ragamuffin's children's feelings matter (and I agree) but in order to keep the peace and make sure that their environment is squabble-free, I must immediately acquiesce to their narrative to maintain this artificially conflict-free environment.

Rule 6) superficial getting on is what matters.

Rule 7) no honesty. No reciprocal, honest sharing of feelings, no relinquishing of control, no compromise, no boundaries.

Rule 8) nothing can change. No feedback.

I may be projecting here!!! But I feel like I recognise the dynamic.

Sincere apologies if I've projected my own family's dysfunction on to a mere fight about plates.

I presume that "set the plates" is a colloquialism; where I live it would be "side the pots". Both mean putting them tidily in the kitchen to wash up later.
OP questioning the phrase is not abusive, but her manner may have been. Trust your gut and protect your child from this as she grows.

I agree with pp that you overreacted with this particular scenario, but that is understandable. You've spent your whole life on eggshells waiting for the abuse to start, so her criticism is a trigger for your defenses.

Of course you got defensive because that's how you protect yourself when things suddenly escalate from her. The only problem now is you don't actually know when she might suddenly escalate on your daughter. Give yourself a break and distance yourself from her greatly.

Wow. just re-reading that she hit you in the back of the head for something to do with cleaning! And threw all your christmas presents outside?

She sounds like a raging narcissist. We're discouraged from ''throwing the word narcissist around'' but when it fits, it fits.

Also, I note, that like my own father, yours is too weak to stand up from you.
They talk about father wounds and I had a father wound even though my father was right there, and still is, in his watery weak pathetic way. The message I received from my father growing up was ''you're not worth standing up for. And, I'm not in your corner''. I did obviously gravitate to men who would never be in my corner, never have my back. And my mother, she gave me the message that my perspective is an outrage. HOW DARE I.

you can image the men I ended up with. i wonder if that happened to you too, as you're a single parent now.

Another thing wrt to being a single parent is that it's always going to be a unit, always going to be TWO against one. And if you don't distance yourself now, it will be three against one as they will distort the narrative so that your child buys in to the mummy is a sloppy messy spendthrift chaotic dramatic sensitive mess (delete as applicable or leave them all in)

My daughter NEARLY fell for this. My mother would say sweetly ''Is mummy still very stressed?''. and ''how are things at home?'' with a worried look on her face.

My daughter gets it now (but she's 20) in her teenage years she went through a phase of joining in with the labelling of me. If my parents were labelling me aggressive for trying to raise one tiny thing, trying to hold some fragile boundary, she'd join in with them ribbing me. But they would claim that she must be protected. There could be no fighting in front of her. So I HAD to acquiesce instantly, ie, backdown, agree, give up................. or I'd be ''fighting in front of my children upsetting them''. It left me powerless as I was one person and they were a very united TWO, plus, my brother (not his fault) has been trained to view me through their lens, so in reality it was THREE against one.

So, I don't mean to frighten you as things probably seem scary enough right now, but distance yourself from your parents. Try and find another single parent in your area and you can get together every second saturday, and each have a few hours to go and take care of the things that need to be done without children in tow.

I wish you strength and advise you to distance yourself from your parents while your daughter is still young.

@Testina you are right, the OP ( @Frances2023 ) must distance herself now before her child becomes too enmeshed in her family of origin.

The seemingly simple request from her father that she not wake her child up to take her home shows how things would play out in the future. ie, they can berate her for very little, but if she has a reaction to that, the reaction will upset her daughter. So therefore, have no reaction.

I am nc with my mother but I left it too late to distance.

I've never heard anyone say set them in, is that a regional word?