Is my mother as bad as I think

[Frances2023]

Long story short I have had some therapy regarding my childhood/ young adult experiences. A lot centres around my mum and her Behaviour towards me. She can be very supportive at times but other times has caused me extreme distress such as punching me in the back of the head when I got the wrong cloth for cleaning a spill and throwing all the Christmas presents I had bought outside on Christmas Eve as I should have been wrapping them upstairs instead of at the kitchen table 😟.

well I’m a single mum and she minded my daughter yesterday afternoon for me whilst I went to get some things. My daughter went for a nap and I was away about 3 hours. My dad had asked me to stay with my daughter that night so I went and got us all an Indian. I’m alway on tenterhooks with my mother anyway and after we had eaten the Indian I felt quite sick, I said to her and dad I would set the plates in (my intention was to wash them once I felt a bit better). My mum then said to ‘ you speak very specifically saying you will set them in ‘…I said what do you mean ? And she said you said speak strangely, I said don’t speak to me like that , she then said you clearly aren’t going to clean them up. I said don’t be speaking to me like that or I would have to go and get my daughter out of bed and go home. My dad then said you can’t disturb your daughter. I said I was going to bed and I did. Am I overreacting thinking my mother is a complete bitch??? I don’t believe it’s normal to question what someone says about puttIng plates in the kitchen? She also then said she had minded my child all day- she hadn’t. Dad doesn’t have a word to say.

*buttons to press

Really? Given the history of the behaviour from the Mother you are confused? I’m not. OP has a hyper vigilant alarm response to potential threat from her Mother. Given her Mother’s past behaviour.

You also seem confused that there are regional differences in the way people talk.

Sounds like 'set in' is a local term and she knew well want you meant.. Her issue was you didn't commit to cleaning them

This! Why was this not obvious to all those pp?!?!

Your childhood sounds abusive.

if you were staying at her house I would expect you to wash the plates to be honest as a thanks for looking after daughter.

However it feels like there’s a lot more going on here you’ve not explained. If your mother is abusive you should think carefully about asking for babysitting favours from her.

What so no one has heard of set the plates, as in set the table? Even if not, you read the context. She's done an act involving crockery that her mother has issue with.

Your mother is awful and you should be already nc for what she has done. I think people are giving you a hard time and derailing the thread because you are basically saying, when she punches my daughter in the head, that will be it.

But she said you spoke strangely, not that you weren't going to clear up? And then you said how dare you speak to me like that? In isolation, that's a massive overreaction. Given your history with your Mum, it isn't.

Not how the OP has described 'set the plates'. I'd assume 'set the table'. But OP, if I've understood correctly, is saying it means taking them to the kitchen but leaving them to be cleaned later.

Your mother is abusive both emotionally and physically.

Your conversation last night wasnt the most concerning part of your post, but shows how sensitive you are to how your mother treats you.

I would spend less time with your mother and keep your daughter away from her.

Yes PP need to have more understanding that different people speak differently. My Belfast-born MIL would have used set in this context. But also it’s awful to be walking on eggshells around your mother OP, and she knew what she was doing when she started nitpicking on what you were saying. We have a belief in our house (mixed dialects at home) that you should always listen to the meaning of what somebody is saying rather than commenting on how they are saying it - it shows basic respect for that person, and actually a questioning/correction of how another adult is saying something is always a power grab or a put down.

Rainraingoawaycomebackanotherday ·Today 07:37

Your mother was physically and emotionally abusive. I wouldn’t be leaving a child in her care.

This.

Which region uses the term "set the plates in" out of interest?

Set the table - lay the table - all mean to get the table ready but I genuinely haven't heard of the opposite being setting the plates in.

Love the way so many posters comment on how it’s abnormal not to wash up dishes as a thanks but no one is commenting on how it’s abnormal to feel so sick with stress when visiting your Mum that you feel too ill to wash up.

( Given the comprehension difficulties of some on this thread, let me explain that the use of ‘Love the way’ in this context means I don’t love the way’)

Would she have been pretending she didn't know what the phrase meant? Either to make out she was above using colloquial terms or just to bully you.

I mean I've never heard the term before but overall I think your mum was abusive to you as a child. Anyone with even a whiff of common sense knows this continues in adulthood. Even if not actually then the effects do.

Yes OP, your mum sounds like a complete bitch. Your dad not much better.

My mother also physically assaulted me as a child.

I haven't spoken to her for 15 years and she sure as hell hasn't even met my daughter let alone baby sat her and she never will.

Learn from the behaviours, don't expose your DD to this clearly controlling abusive woman.

Read up about the FOG - fear obligation guilt cycle because its clearly the only reason you would even have a relationship with someone who punched you in the head. You need to process that, and react appropriately by removing any contact, because she won't ever change.

Those examples of things that happened in your childhood/young adulthood are so upsetting op. I’m so sorry. That fell well below what was ok.
im not surprised you would be sensitive to her criticism now giving she treated you so harshly when you were young.

Do your self and your child a favour and go low contact. See them as little as possible. She won’t change and you are right that as your dd gets old cracks will show (this has happened with my children and my parents). She won’t change

It sounds like your mum knows you are stressed in her presence and uses that to make digs that you will react to.

The conversation in isolation sounds bizarre but with the context of your childhood sounds like she is still shovelling out the same old shit. Be wary and protect your child

Oh and I guess your dad is an enabler. v much like mine. He ignores and attempts to smooth over any issues rather than standing up for you. He’s next to useless.

I would be extremely low contact with a parent who punched the back of my head and threw my Christmas presents outside. You still seem to be very involved in each others lives.

However, I find the expression "set the plates in" odd. If my daughter said that to me I might well say exactly what your mum said. Not in abusive way, but simply trying to work out what she meant. I don't think your mum was being a bitch then, but sounds like she's been more than a bitch in the past!

It’s nuanced though isn’t it? It’s generally considered polite to clear dishes at someone else’s house (anyone’s) so posters can see where the mum was coming from.

They’re generally not commenting on the feeling sick with stress aspect because that implies judgement about why the OP has put herself and her dd in that situation. I think people recognise that it’s a complex answer to that question.

I’ve read the general tone of answers as supportive of the OP keeping her distance from her mother.

i had awful childhood when growing up

never ever ever have I left my kids with my parents , not even for 5 mins

who cares about the plates …

Your childhood was abusive and your mother continues to be abusive. Go low contact and don't leave your DD alone with your parents, your mother continues to be verbally abusive and who knows what she is saying to your child in your absence.

Fuck sake, I’ve not heard the term either but I figured it out. So many people fixate on dialect on here and berate an OP for it, simply because it’s not on their south-of-the-Watford-gap radar.

Did posters negate to read the rest of the post? The mother sounds vile.

@Cornettoninja it probably is nuanced. Ops mum probably expressed a lot of her intention through tone, facial expression etc. it’s hard here to judge what the mums intentions were. However I’d say if op felt upset by it she was probably picking up on her mum being v critical or using the dishes to pick at op. Mother like this know they can’t get away with the behaviour they did when their children were children, so they change tact and do things that can be explained away as reasonable.

as someone else said though. The plates are irrelevant. There is so much history here doesn’t matter what the mum does now. The damage is there whether she is actually being reasonable or not

There is so much history here doesn’t matter what the mum does now. The damage is there whether she is actually being reasonable or not

completely agree. But I do think in this specific example OP overreacted and in doing so probably gave her mother exactly what she wanted and justified whatever position she pushes to her father for support.

OP has no control over the narrative her mother relays to other people. So whilst I 100% understand her reaction, if one of her concerns is perspectives outside her own and her mothers then I would strongly advise putting a huge amount of distance between them until the point she can see the goading for what it is and not give in to the manipulation.

Why did your dad ask you to stay with your daughter? Was it because he knew your mum might do something bad?