AIBU when I invite my friend to stay over at my house but then go and stay with my girlfriend leaving my bf on their own?

[Hei253]

One of my friends and I went to watch a football match in another city about 3 hours drive away. We would get back mid evening and instead of my friend having to drive back home only to drive back to my village again for work early the next morning, I offered for him to crash at mine for the night. When we got back however, my gf was messaging me and asking me to go round to hers to stay over so I told my friend I had to go out but to help himself to anything he needed (drink, the bathroom, whatever) and he'd already gone to work the next morning by the time I got home.
Now that friend didn't say he had a problem with me leaving him on his own but then I was talking to one of my other friends and we were discussing the plan of action after a concert that we're due to go to in a week or so. She lives further away than I do but I'm giving her a lift home and we won't get back until around 1am so I suggested she stays at mine so it's not quite as far to drive back that night (only an extra 15 miles to drop her back home but then going back to mine means an extra hour driving when I'd rather be getting to bed). I told her she could crash at mine and then I'd go round and stay at my gf's house leaving my friend on her own and she said that it's rude to invite someone to stay over and then leave them on their own in your house. No matter how good friends they are that they normally feel comfortable in your house I'm being unreasonable by leaving them.

I’m very practical I don’t think it’s rude you are explaining the situation and offering a free bed the equivalent to a bnb. Quite frankly I think it’s kind of you - she can find her own way home from the concert if she prefers!

It’s rude the way you abandoned your friend the first time with zero warning or discussion.

it’s not rude to say we’ll in advance “you can crash at mine if you want. I’ll be at GFs” so it’s clear you’re offering a bed, not company/time with you.

This. If you're offering a spot at your house as a favor to them and are clear beforehand you won't be there, that's fine. But if you're inviting them to stay over to hang out and then bail, not fine.

I think you're having the best of both worlds. Trying to look like the hero offering your place up to friends but trying to please the GF at the same time.

It’s rude of you - yabu
Why couldn’t you just tell your girlfriend that your friend is staying over?

Tell her to make her own way back from the concert or from yours if she doesn’t want to stay on her own. Nothing rude at all and wouldn’t bother me in the slightest! You don’t need to host someone while they sleep!

Basically you are telling your friends that you prefer someone else's company. Not polite at all.

Men and women see things differently.

What kind of man is going to get grumpy about his friend getting his leg over? I'm sure he wasn't bothered about being left to kip at yours alone.

This other friend is expecting you to drive an additional hour. Take her to yours if it's closer then call her an uber. Then go to your girlfriend's.

Assuming you’ve got a spare bed/sofa bed then it’s very rude. I’d hate to be in a friend’s house on my own - why do you have to be at your gf?
‘Sorry gf, my friend is staying the night so I’ll see you tmw’ suffices.

You are seeing it as they arent there to see you, they are there for a convenient bed. Depends on the friend really

Yeah I think this is rude.

If your girlfriend can't cope with you not staying at hers then maybe you should be living together.

But don't invite someone to stay and then abandon them at your house while you sleep somewhere else. What if they use the last of the toilet paper and can't find where you keep your supplies? What if they need to go and get something from their car and manage to lock themselves out, or they leave the door wide open to avoid getting locked out and your cat gets out, or the neighbour's cat gets in?

There are all kinds of minor and major things that could happen in someone's house while you're staying there and if the person whose house it is has disappeared then you don't know how to deal with it.

And to be honest I'd just like my friend to be there in the morning so we could sit and have a coffee together.

How rude

😂😂

Has to be a reverse.
so rude

YABU. Very rude. Is the problem that your girlfriend doesn't trust you?

It is a bit weird to invite someone to stay and then leave them
on their own, but then it’s not like she’s being invited to stay to socialise. It an arrangement of convenience.

If you invited a woman to stay at yours while your girlfriend was elsewhere hoping you’d stay with her, MN would have a much bigger problem with it.

Tell your friend it was just an offer and she’s free to drive herself the extra distance home that night if she wants to.

What on earth is "reverse"?

In this case a reverse would be the friend left, or planning to be left, posting pretending to be the leaver to garner opinions

It's a bit odd, but it would be ok if you tell then ahead of time when inviting them to stay at yours: "you are welcome to stay at mine if that's easier/make your commute shorter, but just to let you know I will be at my gf that night". It's then up to them to decide if they prefer to stay or go home.

If you don't tell them, and just leave the house then yes that's really weird!

Yep that's really shitty behaviour

Of course it's rude. You invite someone over, you don't leave for a booty call....

Unfortunately it is real!!!

Now some people have called this out as reverse so hands up it is, but actually I am the second friend in this scenario.
My friend does weird and unreasonable stuff all the time and I tell him he's out of order but he doesn't see a problem and thinks it's just me who has the issue, so I decided to create an account on here to start posting threads to show him some of his behaviour is unreasonable and I'm not the only one who thinks that way.

Thank you for all your responses xx

You're absolutely right that men and women see things differently. That's why I wanted to post on here to see what other people's responses were. Is it as simple as men and women see things differently or am I actually being unreasonable in my actions. I really appreciate all the responses, thank you.

So did the first friend have any issue at all with his actions? Bet he didn't.

Tbh you should just get that uber home from his.