To ask what time your 12 year old goes to bed

[Ipackedmysandwichesforlunch]

Dh and I are divided on this so I'd welcome some other opinions.

D's is 12. He goes up to bed at 8.15 and we read with him til 8.30. Lights off at 9.15. It all feels very early to me compares to his peers.

Ds is autistic and has anxiety and while he doesn't need constant oversight he is very demanding of our time and attention. Because of this Dh is very anti changing this as we have very limited uninterrupted time together apart from our evening 8.30-10. I agree that really we need this time together as things can be quite challenging. But it feels unfair on our son that we are treating him as younger than he really is - he already lacks quite a lot of independence compared to his peers.

I'd love any thoughts/advice. (Please be kind as I'm trying to balance everyone's needs).

I don’t think you should compare Op, instead go by what you think your child needs- people are very different. It also depends what time you get them up in the morning doesn’t it? We get up at 6.30 because mine are so slow to get ready. My son (16) needs more sleep than his younger sibling (11). They tend to go to bed about the same time for this reason which seems mad but I gauge it by how they are in the morning. If super tired, they go to bed earlier the following day. On weekends we have no set time but I’m a morning person so say goodnight at 10 ish…. they go to their rooms quietly and are ready to sleep but who knows what time they actually sleep. 😂

Stick with your gut, you know what your kids need.

All throughout High School, I remember being in bed by 9/9.30.

My 11 year old goes to bed at 10pm.

Some of of her extra curricular activities finish after some of these bed times. Like Scouts at 930pm and football at 830pm.

My just 13yo DS doesn't get home from school until 8.30pm, sometimes 9.30pm if he's stayed to play football or something. He needs a bit of wind down time after that so it's 10 or 10.30pm to be in his room. We have no input into his bedtime, but we are generally all going upstairs at 10/10.30pm so we are going to bed as a family.

@Ipackedmysandwichesforlunch what time does he get up on a school day? There is a big different in bedtime for a 12 year old who has to get up at 6.30 to get a school bus. and one who can get up at 8 and lives just across the road from the school. Bear this in mind with your responses.

Also how much exercise they do? Lots of sport = more sleep needed

My 12yr old goes between 8-830. She needs 10-11 hours of sleep. My eldest is 13 and goes at 9-930. If she goes later she struggles to get up at 7 for school. We don’t vary bedtimes much at weekends unless it’s a special occasion.

sleep is vital for health and happiness. Why we have a pandemic of sleep deprived kids is beyond me. I blame screens, in rooms too. I saw a great prog once which basically said if you want your kids to succeed academically, don’t send them to kumon, send them to bed an hour earlier!

12 year old, year 8 - 9.45pm.
10 year old year 6 - 9.30pm.

This has just been increased as they've moved up a year. That does seem early but every child is different.

Other 12 year old bed times are irrelevant. If he's sleeping in until 7am then his bed time is fine.

My DS (Y8) goes up at 9pm and can read or listen to audio book until 10pm. He gets up 6.30am for school.

I don't think it's fair for a child's bed time should be determined by his parents' wants.

Can I be really nosy? Is your child achieving academically, never ill, full of energy etc? If so then that’s cool. But the kids I know who are up that late are always ill, don’t do much activity and are okay in school but not bossing it (from academically gifted parents).

im really interested to know if it’s medically true that some kids just don’t need that much sleep.

9pm on school nights and 9.30 at the weekend for mine

The Yr 6 seems awfully late to me!

9pm. later at weekends

My 12 year old usually goes to bed between 9 and 10. She has had sleep problems all her life and I've finally discovered she doesn't struggle as much to sleep if she goes to bed later (school nurse suggested it).
I really like our evenings together (5 year old and OH are both in bed by 8, often earlier so its just me and DD in the evenings, watching telly together and chatting) so I don't mind it, but can see how that wouldn't work for every family.

Still read to my 12 year old when she asks. It’s a beautiful time. I listen to audiobooks - no different. It seems old fashioned but it’s an awful lot better than being on tiktok and is incredibly bonding. I’ll do it til she stops asking.

9:30, lights out when we go up at 10.

My 12 year old doesn't get so much sleep (goes to bed between 9 and 10 on weekdays, later at weekends, but usually takes an hour or more to fall asleep) and does well in school (gets high grades in most subjects), does sports (volleyball). Does get ill though but not sure its more than any other child her age (and has a little brother who brings home all kind of bugs from nursery), and sleeps in weekend mornings to catch up. I've discussed her sleep so many times with the school nurse and doctor, their opinion is that some children really don't need as much sleep.

At some point you are going to have to accept losing your evenings with DH. For me (also have an ASD DC) that was one of the hardest parts of parenting.
See if you can get DS to engage in quiet activities or projects, and tell him that you need downtime too and that you are reading or watching TV for an hour or two.

My youngest is 13 so a bit older, but school nights he goes to bed at 10pm. Weekends later, usually before 12am.

Similar to this. 10 during the week but tbf he's not particularly demanding and weeknights are a mix if him gaming with his friends or just chilling at watching TV with us on the nights he doesn't have activities. At the weekend we leave him to it as he games with his friends in the evening. He has a few activities on the weekends and he enjoys staying up a bit later with his mates gaming. If he stays up late and is tired at his activities he tends to self regulate the next time.

@Guiltridden12345 My son has excellent school results and is also achieving well in his sportsteam. He never needed much sleep, since he was a baby. First years I struggled with it because everybody keeps telling you how many hours a child must sleep and i kept putting him in bed early , but it never worked out.

Ds 13. I encourage lights off by 10ish latest on a school night but I leave it up to him really. On a weekend when he wants to. He's good at self regulating though and goes to sleep when he needs to.

If he's not complaining I'd get him to bed as early as possible ! Have a break while you can. Your spending quality time with him reading so what's he actually missing out on? He's benefiting from sleep and rest. X

My 12 year old DS is also autistic & has ADHD & epilepsy. He has more seizures if he gets overtired. He presents as young for his age.

He doesn't really have a set bedtime as it has to work around his & his 2 brothers' activities, but we aim for 8-8.30pm in the week, when we can. On Cub (younger brother) & Scout (his own) nights it can be 8.45 & 9.45 respectively. At weekends between 8pm & 9pm. He is up at 6.30am on weekdays & usually wakes around 7-7.30am at weekends, coming downstairs around 8am.

I do empathise with losing evenings. Our 14 year old goes to bed at 10pm & we struggle to stay awake for more than an hour later! But Scout night is a great opportunity for us to catch up, as DS1 & 2 both go (DS1 as Young Leader) & DS3 goes to bed when they leave (7.30pm).

Meant to say, DS12 will put himself to bed when he is tired, regardless of the time. He often just announces he's off to bed & that's it! Unlike the other 2, who will fight it no matter how tired they are 🙄

That’s really interesting, thanks. I suppose we’re all built differently.