To ask what time your 12 year old goes to bed

[Ipackedmysandwichesforlunch]

Dh and I are divided on this so I'd welcome some other opinions.

D's is 12. He goes up to bed at 8.15 and we read with him til 8.30. Lights off at 9.15. It all feels very early to me compares to his peers.

Ds is autistic and has anxiety and while he doesn't need constant oversight he is very demanding of our time and attention. Because of this Dh is very anti changing this as we have very limited uninterrupted time together apart from our evening 8.30-10. I agree that really we need this time together as things can be quite challenging. But it feels unfair on our son that we are treating him as younger than he really is - he already lacks quite a lot of independence compared to his peers.

I'd love any thoughts/advice. (Please be kind as I'm trying to balance everyone's needs).

My 11yo (Yr 7) needs to be up by 6.30am. I try and get him into bed by 8pm on school nights, with a view to lights out by 8.30. This often ends up more like 8.45, but if he's actually in bed and calm by 8 then he's quite often asleep by 8.20.

Mine really needs his sleep, it massively affects his mood, behaviour and concentration if he's tired.

9pm upstairs, brush teeth, into bed.

DH reads a chapter of their current book, then DS listens to an audiobook while falling asleep. Forty-five minute timer on that, and he's usually asleep before it finishes. DH usually downstairs again 9:30ish.

Up at 6.

DD nearly 12 is also in a similar routine. Bed by 8:30, lights out at 9.

That sounds very tough for you OP.
My 12yo goes to bed usually at 9, same time as DD1 (14). Weekends no set time-usually around 10 though.

Sometimes they read, not so much the younger one though, and lights go off when we go to bed. Neither DD likes the dark so there's a load of fairy lights in each room.

Will your DS read to himself? If you can drop the bedtime story that claws a bit of evening back for you.

But it has to be said we get very little child free time these days - ours are always buzzing about. DD1 goes to sleep later than us, and DD2 wakes early!

DD is 10 and it's 8-8.30 on school nights and 10 at weekend

There does become a time you lose your evenings. At 12 mine all set their own bedtime, but that was conditional of them getting up early and school work ok

Thanks for the replies. Do feel a bit mean now as it seems it's much earlier than others.

Oh and re the story normally he reads to us as he was behind with reading but enjoyed doing this. Or we just chat about this and that so quite a nice end to the day. Appreciate again this is a 'young' thing to do but it's been helpful to build in a bit of calm time like this.

My son goes to bed about 9 and usually asleep by 10-10.30, sometimes he goes up earlier to play PS and sometimes he’s at his mates until 9.

9:30pm on a school night - lights out at ten at the latest but earlier ideally. He gets up just before 7am

10pm on a weekend - no hard lights out rule but if he got to 11pm I’d be switching off. Gets up about 930am

My year 7 goes into his room at 8.30pm and lights off before 9pm. Up at 7.10am.
weekends are more like 9.30pm but equally tonight was 8.30pm

9, then 10/1030/sometimes 11 at weekends . Mornings during the week he has to be up for 7 for context. And I read to all of ours at night, we’re on the 6th Harry Potter book, there’s no difference between that and an audio except you’ve the added plus of being able to talk about it!

Ps eldest is 15, there gets to a stage where you don’t really get any child free time but it’s just a different stage- he’s got similar tv interests and we have a laugh!

My 12 yo DD is in bed at 9pm on school nights but 10pm weekends. X

Upstairs at 9.45, in bed at 10.15 (10.45 on a weekend).

According to what I read in another thread tonight, I am a terrible parent for wanting to spend some time alone downstairs without my dc.

DD is 11. She is the youngest so stays up later than her older sister did at that age.
On a school night, I want her in bed for 9pm, she fanny's about so much that it's closer to 10. On a weekend she can stay up until 10.30. 11pm if we're watching something.

Up around 9 and asleep 9:30-10

Occasionally he stays up later on a weekend but he is a lark like his dad so he will usually choose to go up 9ish anyway

12.5 year old, autistic.
Bed is between 9-9.30 most nights. He moans it's too early but he's knackered!
Tonight, we were at a party and he was up until 23.00. He doesn't cope well with being up late.

My DD is 10 and on a school night her bedtime is 9.30.

She’s always been a shit sleeper though since she was a foetus 😂 and wouldn’t fall asleep if she went to bed any sooner

Goodness, kids are going to bed later than when I was a kid!

DS is 15 and is really good at going when he’s tired now but we had to be in our rooms by 9 lights off by 9:30 till we left high school! My Mum deemed downstairs ‘an adult only zone’ after the 9pm watershed! 😂 We even had to refill our water cups from the bathroom tap!

My ds is the same age and also autistic. On school nights we send him upstairs around 8 and it's lights out at 8.45.

He won't just go up to bed independently if we ask, he still needs supervision/reminders, help with washing hair in the bath etc, and then wants me to go through a particular goodnight routine.

He also needs quite a lot of sleep, usually he falls asleep before 9.30pm and we still have trouble getting him up for school in the mornings.

If we let him stay up later he generally then faffs around more at bedtime, eg lies on the floor saying he's too tired to clean his teeth, gets sad and anxious, or else gets silly and hyper and then ends up upset.

I feel like a mean, strict parent but I know my own child. I've also always needed more sleep than my peers too.

At 12 she had to be in bed by 9.30, probably asleep by 10/10.30 and up at 6am for school.
At weekends I didn't give my kids a bedtime.
I do think they miss out on a lot of social aspects if they go to bed to early.

@arethereanyleftatall How would reading to a 12 year old 'hold him back'? I would think it's lovely, and hang on to it, as long as you can. With mine, it wasn't about the reading by that age, it was about the closeness, comfort, familiarity. A safe space chance to talk if she so wanted.

I don't think the reading is the problem, it's the input. It might mean he's now unable to get himself to sleep on his own. As I said,I'm not sure in what ways his autism affects him but by 12 I'd expect a child to be able to go to bed independently. I'd consider that a life skill. The comfort part is nice but could that happen earlier? I think dads concern is that if the bedtime is extended, the child the child will sit with them all night and mum with be doing the bedtime routine later and later leaving no choldfree time. It sounds like neither parent have a problem with the actual sleep time as such, it's the dependency on them for 'company' etc. Again I'd consider it a life skill being able to 'entertain' yourself.

My 12 year old DS is in bed with lights out for 10pm on a school night and 11pm on weekends.
He gets up fine at 7am for school and seems happy enough with his bed time.

10pm school nights 11.30 on weekends