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Original poster

Why is my son unpopular

91 replies

Whatfreshhorrorstoday · 16/09/2023 18:15

My son is 6 and a half. He loves other kids and playing with friends but I’ve noticed other kids tend to pull away from him. In the school playground and at parties. They play with him a bit but he’s never the one being called to do something, or being asked to sit next to them. I can see my son is sad when it happens.

I’m not sure why he isn’t popular. He has similar interests to the other kids, dresses like them etc. He doesn’t seem to brag more than the others or whinge more.

I know people will tell me it’s normal and I can’t do anything but maybe my question is, how do I support him? and get through this myself? I feel so sad when I see him upset.

OP posts:
JMSA · 16/09/2023 18:20

Aww, that's such a shame Sad

I'm sure your son is lovely, but is it that he maybe tries a bit too hard or is a bit intense with the other children?
Is he an only child?

Catsafterme · 16/09/2023 18:25

Is he introverted by chance, not as loud or bolshy as the others?

5128gap · 16/09/2023 18:28

There's a place between popular, as in specifically sought out by others and always at the centre of things; and unpopular, as in excluded and isolated.
The majority of people occupy this middle ground. Is it possible that your DS does too and maybe your and his expectations are too high? There's so much pressure to be popular as though it's a failure not to be, yet in reality most people tend to be just one of the crowd

BoohooWoohoo · 16/09/2023 18:30

Is he truly unpopular or does he have few friends?

BoohooWoohoo · 16/09/2023 18:32

Like a pp said is he introverted? Would he excitedly run up to another child? When someone he's playing with runs to a new person, maybe your son should run too?

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/09/2023 18:35

Are you sure this isn't just confirmation bias. You've said he has friends, and plays with others, but that sometimes he gets left out.

That happens to everyone, but you're always going to notice the times that it happens to your son, rather than someone else.

Even if it does happen more often to your son, I'd try to ignore it. You're not going to be able to change your son's personality, and trying to suggest he does things differently is just going to make him feel like he's doing something wrong.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 16/09/2023 18:42

I don't think there's a nice way to put this but it's fixable if it's the case. Could it be something like he smells of wee or wipes his nose on his sleeve or anything similar? Pulling away sounds like disgust.

Original poster
Whatfreshhorrorstoday · 16/09/2023 18:48

@SisterMichaelsHabit i was wondering myself if there was anything like that but no I really don’t think he’s any more disgusting than the others!

hes not introverted but as a previous poster said he might be too keen so intense

OP posts:
katem98 · 16/09/2023 19:12

@Whatfreshhorrorstoday My son is only 4.5 and just started reception and I've noticed similar, too. He maybe does seem more keen and try and latch on to one child more so than others and get really upset when others try to run away from him or not play the games he wants to play. I think the same as you, I think he's just a bit too eager to please maybe and it's heartbreaking to see isn't it.

Catsafterme · 16/09/2023 19:14

I'm introvert and struggled in that sense, why I was asking but my eldest is extrovert but is way too intense that most keep distance although still interacted. Like mine he may need to find balance which should come with time.

Mammillaria · 16/09/2023 19:23

That's so sad.

If you have a nice SENCO at his school I'd recommend scheduling a chat to see if they can recommend any social stories etc that might help him. His teacher may also have some useful insights.

cptartapp · 16/09/2023 20:09

Is he bossy? Little kids don't like bossy other kids. DS1 had a tendency to be bossy and even I found it intensely irritating.

Dacadactyl · 16/09/2023 20:37

He's either intense and too keen or takes things to heart too much.

The boys who play football/rugby/are sporty are generally quite popular as they get older so might be something to think about for extra curricular.

MakeupTable · 16/09/2023 20:49

I think at this age the boys who are the most popular are quite loud, funny and daring. Quieter children are in awe of them because of their confidence.

This changes as they get older and they fall into natural friendship groups with other children who have similar interests.

Try not to worry too much. Although I appreciate it is hard.

BrawnWild · 16/09/2023 20:56

JMSA · 16/09/2023 18:20

Aww, that's such a shame Sad

I'm sure your son is lovely, but is it that he maybe tries a bit too hard or is a bit intense with the other children?
Is he an only child?

@JMSA why do you think being an only child would make a difference? You've hit a nerve here because mine is an only (and popular) so I'd like to know your reasoning? Is it casual stigmatism of only kids? Would it make a difference if mine as an only by choice or not?

BrawnWild · 16/09/2023 20:59

Is it possible some of them meet outside school or do clubs together? A few of ours overlap at different groups and through mum friends so they play together a lot.

It hopefully isnt about your lovely son and the kids are just more familiar with eachother at the moment and that might change with time. Not that that makes it any easier for you both, I hope it gets easier soon x

Yellowlegobrick · 16/09/2023 21:07

Ds is the same age.

Honestly? The most popular boys in his class at the moment are the less well behaved ones. They fight, say funny (rude!) things. I think what's most common among them is confidence and not giving a shit but also they tend to be average academically. The very able kids who are keen readers or good at maths etc are rarely popular in our school. Being a fast runner and knowledgeable/good at football seem to be key as well (DS is neither).

A pp commented that most kids are somewhere in the middle, not popular and not isolated. My ds is like this, I think many are but it can look like being unpopular if you have unrealistic expectations of your child being queen bee.

Yellowlegobrick · 16/09/2023 21:09

why do you think being an only child would make a difference?

Some only children are worse at sharing and turn taking at this age, they don't have to take turns at what they want on tv because there's no one else, they don't have to tolerate being taken along to a siblings hobby every week.

wearedoingthis · 16/09/2023 21:12

I think asking if they are an only child is relevant. It can be obvious who is an only child when watching children interact.

SausageinaBun · 16/09/2023 21:15

Is he trying to be friends with the wrong children? This probably sounds horrible, but when children don't understand the social pecking order, they tend to try to be friends with the most popular children and get rejected. They need to aim for more realistic friends (who are probably actually nicer to be friends with).

FluffyCloudsofShit · 16/09/2023 21:17

They could be in established groups already due to going to the same classes or groups outside of school or having play dates together because their parents know eachother.

I would start to arrange a few play dates to cultivate closer friendships.

Original poster
Whatfreshhorrorstoday · 16/09/2023 21:18

@katem98 thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one

everyone has been very kind about this and I’m genuinely touched. I know mumsnet posts can go awry to so grateful for the replies

OP posts:
ladyvimes · 16/09/2023 21:19

Sometimes it takes children time to find someone they really ‘click’ with. Maybe invite someone her gets on with for a play date after school and foster some of those friendships outside of school?

Justaredherring · 16/09/2023 21:29

Bobbotgegrinch · 16/09/2023 18:35

Are you sure this isn't just confirmation bias. You've said he has friends, and plays with others, but that sometimes he gets left out.

That happens to everyone, but you're always going to notice the times that it happens to your son, rather than someone else.

Even if it does happen more often to your son, I'd try to ignore it. You're not going to be able to change your son's personality, and trying to suggest he does things differently is just going to make him feel like he's doing something wrong.

I agree with this, and also having a word with your child’s teacher to see if there really is a problem

Bored1000 · 16/09/2023 21:38

He dosent really sound unpopular just not the most popular, sometimes the most popular kids are actually not the nicest and popular for other reasons so not sure I would want him to be in that category.

Maybe arrange small play groups in your home (invite maybe 2 kids) as in a group that small it’s hard to exclude someone and you can observe how he interacts then.
You sound like a good mum