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Original poster

Why is my son unpopular

91 replies

Whatfreshhorrorstoday · 16/09/2023 18:15

My son is 6 and a half. He loves other kids and playing with friends but I’ve noticed other kids tend to pull away from him. In the school playground and at parties. They play with him a bit but he’s never the one being called to do something, or being asked to sit next to them. I can see my son is sad when it happens.

I’m not sure why he isn’t popular. He has similar interests to the other kids, dresses like them etc. He doesn’t seem to brag more than the others or whinge more.

I know people will tell me it’s normal and I can’t do anything but maybe my question is, how do I support him? and get through this myself? I feel so sad when I see him upset.

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 21:40

JMSA · 16/09/2023 18:20

Aww, that's such a shame Sad

I'm sure your son is lovely, but is it that he maybe tries a bit too hard or is a bit intense with the other children?
Is he an only child?

Please dont use the only child question? Anyone with half a brain knows that this is now a very outdated theory. A 1987 quantitative review of 141 studies on 16 different personality traits failed to support the opinion, held by theorists including Alfred Adler, that only-children are more likely to be maladjusted due to pampering. The study found no evidence of any greater prevalence of maladjustment in only-children.

poormanspombears · 16/09/2023 21:42

My son is about the same age and I've been more aware of this since he started attending lots of parties.
I really struggle seeing my son being on the sidelines and acting quite awkward.
He's always the one at parties that doesn't like to take part in games and would rather sit out and just do his own thing. He is quite introverted in bigger social gatherings but does better in smaller groups and is always playing football or basketball at school.
I made a conscious effort to watch not just him, but others too, and I think its cyclic, they all go through it in their own way and time.
My DH gets a little tired of me saying this but I think COVID really did a number on DS and his ability to socialise.

Daffodil63 · 16/09/2023 21:48

I think there are a lot of MNs who have or had children that experience this. My recommendation is get him interested in a hobby or sport away from school so that a) he has a separate group of friends and b) becomes good/excels at something that boosts his confidence.

JMSA · 16/09/2023 21:52

Goodness me, I'm sorry if I caused any offence with the only child question. But I've worked with children my entire career, and there is sometimes a difference. Most only children are lovely and very kind, but there is sometimes a rigidity about them that doesn't always go down well with their peers.
I don't know anything about the theories, but only children are often easily identified in the classroom (both at primary and secondary level). These are only my observations for what they're worth, and plenty will disagree! Again, no offence meant.

Luana1 · 16/09/2023 21:53

Yellowlegobrick · 16/09/2023 21:09

why do you think being an only child would make a difference?

Some only children are worse at sharing and turn taking at this age, they don't have to take turns at what they want on tv because there's no one else, they don't have to tolerate being taken along to a siblings hobby every week.

Some of the worst sharers I have seen are those with a sibling! They have to compete for parental
resources at home so don’t want to in social settings. The worst I’ve are those with a sibling very close in age.

OP is your son really actually upset or is he picking up
on you being upset- it doesn’t sound like he is being excluded or anything, at the moment he is not one of the more popular kids, but in 6 months time he might be :)

Catsafterme · 16/09/2023 21:54

@poormanspombears That's what I was like as a child, I was happy with my own company and quiet and reserved, although that kept me back socially throughout and even now. One on one, small groups fine but larger I would either avoid or fall into the background if I was there.

Lockdown affected mine who's extroverted so quite likely did, they retreated slightly. It did me anyway, although lockdown was a walk in the park in a way, it did revert me back into old habits of not even caring about going out or seeing people and took a long time to readjust.

Be fine and likely associate with those who are similar. Some just aren't interested in being part of the bigger group or louder ones.

katem98 · 16/09/2023 21:55

@Luana1 I think I agree with this. My 2 are 2 years apart aged 4 and 2 and older child absolutely hates sharing and becomes quite territorial over things.

Luana1 · 16/09/2023 21:56

JMSA · 16/09/2023 21:52

Goodness me, I'm sorry if I caused any offence with the only child question. But I've worked with children my entire career, and there is sometimes a difference. Most only children are lovely and very kind, but there is sometimes a rigidity about them that doesn't always go down well with their peers.
I don't know anything about the theories, but only children are often easily identified in the classroom (both at primary and secondary level). These are only my observations for what they're worth, and plenty will disagree! Again, no offence meant.

If there is only sometimes a difference then what’s the point in your comment, you could equally say sometimes there is a difference seen in children with siblings! My eldest was an only child for 5 years and I would get ridiculous comments like yours but as soon as he had a sibling they stopped, but he was still the same child..

JMSA · 16/09/2023 22:01

@Luana1

I was trying to be polite. You can call it ridiculous all you like, but I can't apologise for what I've noticed over the years Confused

poormanspombears · 16/09/2023 22:03

@Catsafterme to be honest, I think lockdown knocked me more than I'd like to admit too.
I consider myself quite extrovert, but it's a social anxiety performance and I've only really learnt that through some trauma work. Technically my son has experienced 'trauma' and has a high ACE score but I'm not sure it would be much different if that wasn't the case. People always want to assess him but I just think he's being 6 and finding his way so bat them off!
I struggle to balance his needs with how he 'should' be in certain situations, like parties, but I'm getting better. I just hope for his sake he finds his way as we live in a very cruel world unfortunately.

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 22:03

Yellowlegobrick · 16/09/2023 21:09

why do you think being an only child would make a difference?

Some only children are worse at sharing and turn taking at this age, they don't have to take turns at what they want on tv because there's no one else, they don't have to tolerate being taken along to a siblings hobby every week.

You're talking absolute nonsense. I think you have unfairly labelled only children. It has hit a nerve with me too. Strangely enough my teen daughter was away for 2 weeks on a language course recently. She stayed in someone's home. The lady in the home asked her how many siblings she had and she told her she didn't have any. The lady said she was surprised because she was such a lovely girl for an only child.

She was speechless and said it to me when she got home. It obviously left an impact as she was away for 2 weeks. She was disgusted by the unfair opinions of people towards only children. This outdated thinking needs to stop.

Oh and by the way, when my daughter was OP's sons age, she was capable of sharing and forming queues and being polite etc, shock horror.

JMSA · 16/09/2023 22:05

Anyway OP, I certainly don't want to derail your thread, but just to say that I agree with the comments about getting him involved in extracurricular activities (sport is always a good leveller, and can build confidence and teamwork) and playdates. The latter really helps friendships to grow, outside of the school setting. It's definitely also worth having a word with your son's teacher, so that they're aware and can observe the situation.
Best of luck.

LaBelleSauvage123 · 16/09/2023 22:08

My son was like this at this age. He was often on the outside of groups and was definitely not one of the popular kids. He wasn’t sporty and was quite old for his years, which I think some of his peers saw as a bit odd. I did worry about it and made sure that I arranged plenty of play dates. I also helped him a bit with practising how to join in with games. In the latter years of secondary school he became very popular and now at uni he has a wide group of friends with a core of very close friends both there and at home. But I do remember it causing me heartache at the time.

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 22:11

Luana1 · 16/09/2023 21:56

If there is only sometimes a difference then what’s the point in your comment, you could equally say sometimes there is a difference seen in children with siblings! My eldest was an only child for 5 years and I would get ridiculous comments like yours but as soon as he had a sibling they stopped, but he was still the same child..

Show quote history

Great example, I see this regularly.

Pebblesontheside · 16/09/2023 22:17

JMSA · 16/09/2023 21:52

Goodness me, I'm sorry if I caused any offence with the only child question. But I've worked with children my entire career, and there is sometimes a difference. Most only children are lovely and very kind, but there is sometimes a rigidity about them that doesn't always go down well with their peers.
I don't know anything about the theories, but only children are often easily identified in the classroom (both at primary and secondary level). These are only my observations for what they're worth, and plenty will disagree! Again, no offence meant.

You’ve worked with children your entire career and ‘you don’t know anything about the theories’?

Is it not your duty to maintain your CPD and learn about research and studies related to your work, rather than making sweeping generalisations like this?

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 22:22

OP I think involving your son in sports is a great idea, but only great if that's what he would like. If he's not into sport you're only pushing something on him and that certainly wouldn't make him happy.

He may just be reserved and likes to take time to start making friends. My teen daughter was like this at that age and still is. She likes to suss people out before she commits to friendship. I really wouldn't worry, easy to say I know but I'm sure he will be fine. I would look at clubs and ask what he would like to join.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 16/09/2023 22:25

You could do some playdates afterschool or on weekends. One on one time can really help friendships and if he starts feeling more secure the intensity might reduce at school and at parties. I have 3DC, the one that has the most friends is really easy going about his friendships. You could also look for some books with social stories on friendships and making friends. He might just need a little more confidence or to feel a bit more secure.

caringcarer · 16/09/2023 22:26

My Foster son used to be so very quiet and withdrawn when he first came to me. I'm not sure what hell he have to endure that made him so withdrawn. I gradually signed him up for sports clubs and bit by bit he got better at sports and then as he got better at sports he became popular. He got into all his school sports teams for cricket, football, swimming and cross country. He also is in sports clubs out of school at weekends and evenings. Now he has lots of friends and is invited all over the place. I noticed the sporty kids are often very popular.

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 22:34

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 16/09/2023 22:25

You could do some playdates afterschool or on weekends. One on one time can really help friendships and if he starts feeling more secure the intensity might reduce at school and at parties. I have 3DC, the one that has the most friends is really easy going about his friendships. You could also look for some books with social stories on friendships and making friends. He might just need a little more confidence or to feel a bit more secure.

Good advice about one to one playdates. It can help to start building up his confidence. It also allows the other child to get to know him better.

Theblacksheepandme · 16/09/2023 22:36

You need to also realise that the kids with the most friends doesn't necessarily mean they are the nicest kids.

Sometimeswinning · 16/09/2023 22:36

Pebblesontheside · 16/09/2023 22:17

You’ve worked with children your entire career and ‘you don’t know anything about the theories’?

Is it not your duty to maintain your CPD and learn about research and studies related to your work, rather than making sweeping generalisations like this?

Show quote history

The poster has their own experience. I’m a TA and I can spot certain children and hazard a guess about them. A lot of the time I’m pretty spot on!

Plus the poster apologised. What else do you want from them?

Catsafterme · 16/09/2023 22:37

@poormanspombears Yea I think a lot of people are experiencing some form of fallout from that period in one way or another.

It could be, I mean my childhood wasn't great which I think had a knock on effect but different times then. I wasn't encouraged to socialize either, it was more a case of I was an easy child I think.

Although, having said that I have been told I'm likely autistic and one of my children is diagnosed. Very similar to how I was as a child, does and enjoys all the same things I did, although he's not quiet at all, lol.

Yes, children can be cruel and that's something I struggled with but even my extroverted child does too but does go overboard with excitement. Secondary is what I struggled with the most but as I didn't rise to anything and was fine with anyone I basically coexisted and got on with everyone but I wasn't involved. Not that I wanted to be though.

Lindtnotlint · 16/09/2023 22:43

One practical thing: don’t show him you are bothered by this. I have three fairly “not popular/not bullied” kids and they are all absolutely fine with it. I think partly because we have never suggested it’s bad. Being a nice happy kid who doesn’t get into fights and plays with various different people and sometimes nobody, is really ok. He needs not to feel you are angsting. Not saying you are, but this was key for me as otherwise I may have projected some of my own social anxiety from being 12 onto the kids!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/09/2023 22:50

You need to have a chat with the teacher x

yellowduckling1 · 16/09/2023 22:53

My best friends son is like this, he gets very excited to see my son, and he always pulls away as it is just too intense. He is a lovely boy (my friends) but just too much. I'm sure he will calm down.