Page 4 | Why is my son unpopular

Whatfreshhorrorstoday · 2023-09-16T17:15:44+00:00

My son is 6 and a half. He loves other kids and playing with friends but I’ve noticed other kids tend to pull away from him. In the school playground and at parties. They play with him a bit but he’s never the one being called to do something, or being asked to sit next to them. I can see my son is sad when it happens. I’m not sure why he isn’t popular. He has similar interests to the other kids, dresses like them etc. He doesn’t seem to brag more than the others or whinge more. I know people will tell me it’s normal and I can’t do anything but maybe my question is, how do I support him? and get through this myself? I feel so sad when I see him upset.

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 11:00

OK, so lots of people will tell you that this is fine, their child was like that, actually the less popular kids are the nicer ones, he'll find his niche etc...

But this is the time you can do something about it. When they get to 8/9, friendships are far more set. And from about 10/11 onwards, obviously your influence as a parent in their friendships is minimal.

And the reason I'd try do something about it in your shoes is because you say your son is sad about the situation. I think often the shy extroverts - who crave social interaction but are too timid or unsure about how to seek it out - get confused with introverts who are genuinely happy in their own company a lot of the time. If your DC is a shy extrovert (or just a bit lacking in confidence), there are a lot of things you can do now to boost his self-esteem and confidence.

The aim shouldn't be to make him "popular" as such - you're not trying to change him. Instead, try to think of it as helping him to become more socially resilient.

This is what I'd focus on:

organise out-of-school playdates, activities, playground trips etc with other kids. Give him lots of opportunities to practice his social skills in a safe environment. This also gives you a chance as an adult to model social interactions and discuss any difficult situations that you observe. You can see where the problems lie, if there are any.
encourage him to accept rebuffs lightly. If one child or group of children don't want to play, encourage him to ask another child or set up his own game.
teach him that we need to let things go sometimes. I agree with the comment above that it's the laid-back kids that seem to find things easiest a lot of the time. If my DC doesn't make a fuss about not getting their favourite colour or stuff like that, I praise them afterwards... "I was really proud when you let X have that, because it made them happy, and hopefully there will be enough for both of you next time". If they can start to see the individual issue as part of a bigger picture - "not such a big deal" - then it helps.
conversely, reinforce that what he likes is valid, even if it's not what everyone else likes. My DC1 has some interests which are a bit babyish compared to their classmates, but if DC1 is teased, they're very stubborn and usually say something like "well I like this, and it's what I like so there!" Children who are confident in themselves, even if a bit odd or not run-of-the-mill "popular", have a bit of a protective forcefield around them.
if your DC has any special interests - sport, art etc. - promote them as much as you can and give them a chance (through clubs/camps etc.) to meet other children who share their interests. It's a great confidence-booster to turn up at a holiday camp where you know no one and have made new friends who share your interests by the end of the day.

Theblacksheepandme · 17/09/2023 11:01

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 10:43

People are getting very touchy over innocent comments on this thread!

I admit I am touchy about the only child comment. I'll give you an example of one of many, many incidents.

I was at work a few weeks ago and heard a conversation in my company about Lucy Letby. The explanation people gave for what she did was, it's because she was an only child. How do you think that comment made the Mother of an only child feel? How do you think it makes my lovely daughter feel when she hears similar comments?

How do you think I feel when I hear people say they work with children and agree with the stereotype?

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 11:07

@Theblacksheepandme maybe I'm odd but if someone made comments like that to me, it wouldn't bother me.

I'd challenge them for sure saying soemthing along the lines of "come on now, its daft to be putting it down to the fact shes an only child" but I wouldn't stew on the comments.

Some only children are odd and struggle socially, just like some children with siblings are odd and struggle socially. The poster was only saying what she's experienced at work, I don't think it was meant as a "all only children are weird as and I can spot them a mile off"

Theblacksheepandme · 17/09/2023 11:08

@wearedoingthis
Oh and if it comes across to you like I have a horrible attitude it's because it hurts me deeply when I hear these comments thrown around regularly.

How would you feel if you regularly heard negative comments like this, aimed at your child, for circumstances they didn't choose to be in?

HauntedPencil · 17/09/2023 11:14

You've already had some excellent advice from Goldbar but I would really go hard on the play dates - have loads of different kids over one on one - even if they aren't all reciprocated immediately.

Theblacksheepandme · 17/09/2023 11:15

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 11:07

@Theblacksheepandme maybe I'm odd but if someone made comments like that to me, it wouldn't bother me.

I'd challenge them for sure saying soemthing along the lines of "come on now, its daft to be putting it down to the fact shes an only child" but I wouldn't stew on the comments.

Some only children are odd and struggle socially, just like some children with siblings are odd and struggle socially. The poster was only saying what she's experienced at work, I don't think it was meant as a "all only children are weird as and I can spot them a mile off"

You would be perfectly fine to hear negative comments , aimed towards only children? I do find the fact you wouldn't be bothered by this odd.

Are you the parent of an only child? If so, please let me know how you manage to not let it bother you. I would much appreciate any advice.

Florenceatemycake · 17/09/2023 11:17

LaBelleSauvage123 · 16/09/2023 22:08

My son was like this at this age. He was often on the outside of groups and was definitely not one of the popular kids. He wasn’t sporty and was quite old for his years, which I think some of his peers saw as a bit odd. I did worry about it and made sure that I arranged plenty of play dates. I also helped him a bit with practising how to join in with games. In the latter years of secondary school he became very popular and now at uni he has a wide group of friends with a core of very close friends both there and at home. But I do remember it causing me heartache at the time.

What a positive and reassuring story. Thanks for sharing.

Theblacksheepandme · 17/09/2023 11:20

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 11:00

OK, so lots of people will tell you that this is fine, their child was like that, actually the less popular kids are the nicer ones, he'll find his niche etc...

But this is the time you can do something about it. When they get to 8/9, friendships are far more set. And from about 10/11 onwards, obviously your influence as a parent in their friendships is minimal.

And the reason I'd try do something about it in your shoes is because you say your son is sad about the situation. I think often the shy extroverts - who crave social interaction but are too timid or unsure about how to seek it out - get confused with introverts who are genuinely happy in their own company a lot of the time. If your DC is a shy extrovert (or just a bit lacking in confidence), there are a lot of things you can do now to boost his self-esteem and confidence.

The aim shouldn't be to make him "popular" as such - you're not trying to change him. Instead, try to think of it as helping him to become more socially resilient.

This is what I'd focus on:

organise out-of-school playdates, activities, playground trips etc with other kids. Give him lots of opportunities to practice his social skills in a safe environment. This also gives you a chance as an adult to model social interactions and discuss any difficult situations that you observe. You can see where the problems lie, if there are any.
encourage him to accept rebuffs lightly. If one child or group of children don't want to play, encourage him to ask another child or set up his own game.
teach him that we need to let things go sometimes. I agree with the comment above that it's the laid-back kids that seem to find things easiest a lot of the time. If my DC doesn't make a fuss about not getting their favourite colour or stuff like that, I praise them afterwards... "I was really proud when you let X have that, because it made them happy, and hopefully there will be enough for both of you next time". If they can start to see the individual issue as part of a bigger picture - "not such a big deal" - then it helps.
conversely, reinforce that what he likes is valid, even if it's not what everyone else likes. My DC1 has some interests which are a bit babyish compared to their classmates, but if DC1 is teased, they're very stubborn and usually say something like "well I like this, and it's what I like so there!" Children who are confident in themselves, even if a bit odd or not run-of-the-mill "popular", have a bit of a protective forcefield around them.
if your DC has any special interests - sport, art etc. - promote them as much as you can and give them a chance (through clubs/camps etc.) to meet other children who share their interests. It's a great confidence-booster to turn up at a holiday camp where you know no one and have made new friends who share your interests by the end of the day.

Some great advice for you OP.

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 11:31

Theblacksheepandme · 17/09/2023 11:15

You would be perfectly fine to hear negative comments , aimed towards only children? I do find the fact you wouldn't be bothered by this odd.

Are you the parent of an only child? If so, please let me know how you manage to not let it bother you. I would much appreciate any advice.

Show quote history

No I have 2 kids with a 5 year age gap so not the parent of an only child.

I mean that negative comments about anything full stop don't bother me. Even things that might directly relate to me personally.

I don't know why that is. I am laid back and I generally think that "I know who I am, I know who my children are and what others think doesn't bother me. Not everyone is going to like me or my kids all of the time and that's OK."

I'm not everyone's cup of tea and not everyone is my cup of tea. And I'm fine with it. People can think what they want about me or my kids/husband and I won't take it to heart. I don't know whether that's cos I've got a strong sense of self and a forgiving attitude in general, or what but I don't often get upset over something another person says, does or thinks.

Theblacksheepandme · 17/09/2023 12:58

Dacadactyl · 17/09/2023 11:31

No I have 2 kids with a 5 year age gap so not the parent of an only child.

I mean that negative comments about anything full stop don't bother me. Even things that might directly relate to me personally.

I don't know why that is. I am laid back and I generally think that "I know who I am, I know who my children are and what others think doesn't bother me. Not everyone is going to like me or my kids all of the time and that's OK."

I'm not everyone's cup of tea and not everyone is my cup of tea. And I'm fine with it. People can think what they want about me or my kids/husband and I won't take it to heart. I don't know whether that's cos I've got a strong sense of self and a forgiving attitude in general, or what but I don't often get upset over something another person says, does or thinks.

Show quote history

I am extremely envious of your personality. I wish I was like that. My husband is exactly like this.

Theblacksheepandme · 17/09/2023 17:10

Strangely enough @Dacadactyl I was just having a conversation with my husband. I asked if comments about only children bothered him as much as it bothers me, he said of course it does. So much for saying my husband is like you. He said we must at least call people out on outdated ideas and notions.

I was also once told by a group of women that we were selfish to only have one child. They told me that only children have more pressures as adults, as they will have the burden of looking after elderly parents. I couldn't believe they said that siblings can lean on each other when looking after elderly parents. I don't think anyone should be having children in order to be looked after by them in old age.

I get cross about lots of things and possibly wont change. I am currently trying to tell a number of work colleagues that their racist comments are unacceptable.

People will be allowed to continue in being hurtful, racist, bigots etc if we all remained silent.

OP I am sorry for derailing your post. You received lots of great advice. I'm sure your little boy will be fine. No one ever tells us how much we worry about them, from the moment they're placed in our arms.

Original poster

Whatfreshhorrorstoday · 17/09/2023 20:32

Thank you everybody. Really interesting to read the teacher’s opinions, and everyone’s ideas for how to handle. Without being too heavy handed I’ll have a look at a play date with another kid, maybe see if there’s an extra curricular activity my son would like to do.
there is an issue here yes. He no longer looks forward to school. That’s a change. I can’t be sure why, and will talk to the teacher when get a chance. But knowing my son I suspect it’s about the social side.

OP posts:

ArabeIIaScott · 17/09/2023 20:34

Good luck, OP! Sometimes it can take a while for kids to find their tribe, too.

Original poster

Whatfreshhorrorstoday · 17/09/2023 20:35

@Goldbar thanks - food for thought indeed

OP posts:

Bored1000 · 17/09/2023 20:47

Poor little kiddo❤️

Goldbar · 17/09/2023 20:59

Good luck @Whatfreshhorrorstoday . It's really upsetting when they're down about things, it breaks your heart as a parent.

At this age, there are lots of ways you can subtly help your DS gain confidence in interacting with other children. One of my favourites is to take a toy or some bubbles to the playground on a busy day. That attracts other children (a bit like the Pied Piper only less sinister 😂) and then your son can ask if they'd like to play. A box of toy cars, rockets, pavement chalk or a football are all good for this.