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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I doing something wrong, why can't DD stay with anyone except me

78 replies

lillyj9267 · 15/09/2023 20:54

I'm a SAHM. My DD is 17mo and I literally cannot leave with with anyone even for 5 minutes, except maybe with her dad. If I do, she will cry non stop.

We have a housekeeper in the U.K., who was originally hired as a nanny but due to the fact I can't leave my daughter she became a housekeeper. Still, my DD sees this lady every day, plays with her, will "help" her by putting the washing machine on as long as I'm nearby but the second I leave (even to the toilet) she will scream MAMMMMAAAAAAA MAMMMMMMAAAAAA and not play at all.

My own mum visits us quite often, stays for about 1 week out of every month. My daughter happily plays with her but the minute I decide to leave them in the same room whilst I go upstairs to put some shoes on it's MAMMMMMAAAAAA again.

Sometimes I'll go on holiday with my mum and DD, like now. We're unable to go to the restaurant even though we've taken the nanny / housekeeper with us. If, for example, she's going to look at some fish tanks in the restaurant I have to come with her. She will approach the table, grab my hand and drag me until I join. If I don't join she screams and falls to the floor. Queue disapproving looks from everyone in the restaurant and even my own mother.

I could leave her with my husband but that means no date nights for us and also he works so isn't always available if I have, for example, a doctors appointment during the week. On holiday often he can't come as he works but when he can we would just end up having dinner separately even if we take the nanny.

OP posts:

Hercisback · 15/09/2023 20:55

Have you ever left her?

If not, then start. Just go out for 30 mins and build up the time.

Original poster

lillyj9267 · 15/09/2023 21:01

Hercisback · 15/09/2023 20:55

Have you ever left her?

If not, then start. Just go out for 30 mins and build up the time.

Yes I have. She had a nanny before this one, until she was 1 and she'd stay with her ok until about 10 months. From 10 months she'd cry whenever I go, sometimes for 30 minutes, sometimes until I come back, but always long. So we parted ways with that nanny and I hired the new nanny / housekeeper.

With this nanny I tried popping out to the other room for 5 mins - she cries the whole time. Going out to the shop for 30 mins - also cries. Had to go to the doctor for 2hrs twice - one time she cried for 40 minutes (first time) and the other (second time) until I came back but on and off.

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 15/09/2023 21:02

As above. Start leaving her with people. She will learn to cope . You cannot stay by her side , constantly, forever.

Totalwasteofpaper · 15/09/2023 21:10

I'm sure you will get people saying "you are doing everything right!!! You are the best mum EVER" But this would drive me nuts and isn't my idea of parenting.

I would just leaving her with the housekeeper nanny. Get in the car and go do the shopping for one or two hours. Start as you mean to go on as it will only get worse.

Where is her dad does he do bedtimes? Go to the park with her? Bathtimes...

My DD is 18m too and always "wants me" when I am cooking. she grunts and rugby tackles and pushes me around the room 😂. We have a kitchen helper so she gets plonked in that and told to "help" with dinner or sort things into and out of bowls.
I just don't go in for that nonsense.
I'm happy to sit with her on my knee and read a book andhave a cuddle.we do a lot of rough housing and baby gymnastics but when mummy is busy she is busy... unless of course there is a boo boo and an emergency kiss and cuddle is needed...

Notimeforaname · 15/09/2023 21:11

She wont die from crying. She will learn to cope

Coffeaddict · 15/09/2023 21:11

Mirror other posters you need to do leave her. But it sounds like you have only don't it very periodically. Try every day, tell her you are going for a shower and nanny is playing cars with nanny.

She will get used to it.

SuperSleepyBaby · 15/09/2023 21:12

It sounds normal - bit if you need to go out you could leave her with someone you trust - many people have to leave children in childcare when they have to go to work.

Hercisback · 15/09/2023 21:14

You need to keep leaving her every day for short periods and then build it up.

It sounds like you've not really stuck to anything for very long.

ShineBright1209 · 15/09/2023 21:14

It sounds like separation anxiety, most little ones go through it. You need to start leaving her for a little bit at a time so she gets used to you leaving her but also knows that you will be coming back. I had safety gates up on most doorways and would leave them the other side and say pop into the kitchen while they were in the living room, yes they would cry but soon realised I was coming back.

SoSad44 · 15/09/2023 21:15

OP going out once or twice means you hardly even tried. Of course she cries because she knows you come running back after 10mins. All children cry at the beginning when they are new to childcare.
start leaving her EVERY day with the nanny for a short period of time (start with 1-2 hours) go somewhere where you can’t hear her and tell her you are going now and will come back to see her. She will stop crying after 3-5 days max.

NuffSaidSam · 15/09/2023 21:17

You can leave her.

You're choosing not to because her crying upsets you, which is understandable.

But you can start leaving her with other trusted adults whenever you like. She will adapt and the crying will stop.

OhcantthInkofaname · 15/09/2023 21:26

She is never going to learn to separate from you unless you learn to leave her. I know it's hard to hear but let her cry. We need to learn to let our children express and adapt their emotions. If you leave and she sees you come back she will understand it's not forever.
I imagine she's still sleeps with you.

Confrontayshunme · 15/09/2023 21:28

We had a child in our nursery who would scream pathetically for his mum until we called her to get him. Until weeks later we realised he could see mum waiting beyond the gates outside and knew she would cave. The day he couldn't see her and she had actually gone, he got down and played.

Also, peekaboo is recommended as a frequent game for little ones with separation anxiety. It helps develop object permanence (the ability to know something is still there even if you can't see it).

Goodornot · 15/09/2023 21:31

Maybe because she knows it works?

Zenwey · 15/09/2023 21:38

I was exactly the same as a baby/small child. My mum never left me (she retired on medical ground when I was born) so I didn’t have a babysitter, didn’t need leaving with anyone, didn’t have siblings etc. it was always just me and her. So once a year when she wanted to go out, I was hysterical. I wasn’t being naughty or awkward, it was genuinely so traumatising to me that I remember instances of it happening! I was just so anxious and worried in case something happened to her and she didn’t come back. I was so upset, inconsolable. I did calm down eventually but I never liked being left like that. I put it down to not being used to it, but also I am generally anxious as well so maybe just a bad combination? Lol

To be honest, I still don’t like when my parents go away, I don’t like waiting for everyone to be home safe, but obviously I’m much better now, and the advent of phones means I can check they’re ok!

Cloudburstings · 15/09/2023 21:38

@lillyj9267 what you’re actually asking is ‘why won’t she stay with anyone but me and not express her feelings about the change’?

you want her to not be upset. But that doesn’t seem available. So you rush back when she is upset, so it drives the cycle.

dont Start in a restaurant- other people’s judgement is the worst.

but yes, go out for a short period and then extend it.

done go to another room where you can hear it. Go for a walk around the block and come back. Then in the afternoon or tomorrow go around twice, etc.

also you need the care giver you leave her with to be calm and empathetic. To be willing to support her while she expresses her feelings, not shush or distract her.

Original poster

lillyj9267 · 16/09/2023 05:17

I've left her many many times but the issue is - she cries until I return (5, 10, 30, 40 minutes...)! So it isn't for lack of trying. Sometimes I'll be in the other room, sometimes I'll be popping to the shop or for a coffee

OP posts:

Hercisback · 16/09/2023 05:20

Leave the house every time. Daily, for 30 minutes. Make it part of a routine that you go and come back. Eventually she will get better and more used to it.

Newtothis2005 · 16/09/2023 05:32

It takes children time to settle especially if you’ve been inconsistent in the past. I would say you need to leave her longer periods of time
as the more time she spends with the nanny the quicker she will settle. It also allows her to have some fun experiences with the nanny once she has calmed down which builds bonds.

letmesailletmesail · 16/09/2023 06:01

This problem largely seems to have happened as you have been able to accommodate it. My DC didn't like me leaving them but as I had to go back to work when DC1 was 15mths and (later on) when DC2 was 9mths, I had to hope that they would get over the screaming. I knew that they were safe, warm, dry, well fed and being cared for by someone who was very experienced and lovely so just got on with it.

amylou8 · 16/09/2023 06:12

I think the majority of kids would be like this given half a chance. There's no way most parents would be able to or want to indulge it and be with their child 24/7. Time for some tough love, start leaving her with nanny or granny and let her cry.

VivaVivaa · 16/09/2023 06:14

This is normal. Most 17 month olds have a strong preference for their primary care givers. Most will protest separation.

Most mothers have to go to work though and the child eventually gets used to being left at nursery/with child minder/with nanny/with family. Some adapt quickly and some adapt slowly. Kindly, your DC isn’t any different. If she was regularly being left as part of a set routine she would eventually settle. Of course you popping out here and there unpredictably is going to unsettle her. I think it would most kids, even ones who are used to regular childcare.

BertieBotts · 16/09/2023 06:19

What you describe is quite normal, you have to just keep at it and it will get easier for her. Is your nanny not very experienced? Most childcare professionals will have techniques for soothing and distracting unsettled children. I've never heard of a nanny giving up after two attempts and becoming a housekeeper instead!

romdowa · 16/09/2023 06:23

My son is nearly 2 and cries when I leave but within 5/10 minutes he gets over it. I have things to do , hospital appointments and caring responsibilities and I can't bring him. I've been leaving him with his dad since he was a new born but it's normal that they cry for a bit but I know he's fine with his dad. It's better to break this habit now or it'll be worse when it comes time for her to go to preschool and school.

Jessbow · 16/09/2023 06:25

I'd do a two pronged attack.

Every morning this coming week, you go out for an hour in the morning.

every afternoon, You strap her in the push chair, and nanny takes her out for a walk for an hour.

She'll learn that you WILL com back and that you will still be there when SHE comes back

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