Am I doing something wrong, why can't DD stay with anyone except me

[lillyj9267]

I'm a SAHM. My DD is 17mo and I literally cannot leave with with anyone even for 5 minutes, except maybe with her dad. If I do, she will cry non stop.

We have a housekeeper in the U.K., who was originally hired as a nanny but due to the fact I can't leave my daughter she became a housekeeper. Still, my DD sees this lady every day, plays with her, will "help" her by putting the washing machine on as long as I'm nearby but the second I leave (even to the toilet) she will scream MAMMMMAAAAAAA MAMMMMMMAAAAAA and not play at all.

My own mum visits us quite often, stays for about 1 week out of every month. My daughter happily plays with her but the minute I decide to leave them in the same room whilst I go upstairs to put some shoes on it's MAMMMMMAAAAAA again.

Sometimes I'll go on holiday with my mum and DD, like now. We're unable to go to the restaurant even though we've taken the nanny / housekeeper with us. If, for example, she's going to look at some fish tanks in the restaurant I have to come with her. She will approach the table, grab my hand and drag me until I join. If I don't join she screams and falls to the floor. Queue disapproving looks from everyone in the restaurant and even my own mother.

I could leave her with my husband but that means no date nights for us and also he works so isn't always available if I have, for example, a doctors appointment during the week. On holiday often he can't come as he works but when he can we would just end up having dinner separately even if we take the nanny.

Is there any activity/food/place she enjoys. Would leaving her with the nanny at a playground help? The more distracted she has the better.

I think people are being hard on the OP, and some of the comments are ridiculous. She is not 'delaying her child's development'. Lots of people struggle do this if they don't have to. I know women who have not gone back to work because their baby cried when left. Obviously in that case they could choose not to. I have had to use childcare for mine from relatively young and those first few times leaving with them wailing were absolutely bloody awful. I can see why you would avoid it if you had that choice.

I do also think, though, that it doesn't necessarily get better by delaying it. There was one child in DS1's class who had had no childcare before school and that was quite hard to watch. Of all the first separations for me the worst one by far was DS1 going back to nursery after the covid lockdowns - we'd moved so it was a new nursery and he'd been constantly with both me and DH for six months. He was nearly 3 and it was much harder than when either of them started nursery as babies. But he did settle and within a few weeks ran in happily. I don't know if I could have stuck it if I didn't have to, though.

I also don't think it's helpful or even necessarily true to tell OP that she created this. Both mine went through a phase of crying whenever I left the room at around that age even though I went back to work at 6 and 10 months respectively and so they'd had plenty of time away from me. DS1's separation anxiety from me aged 1 was particularly puzzling because we'd done shared parental leave and so he'd had 6 months of DH, not me, as his primary parent - but the separation anxiety and clinginess was still all about me. You can't necessarily avoid it by getting them used to separation - maybe you could if you consciously chose to limit your own bond with them, but who would?

@Unexpectedlysinglemum tbh I've tried both!

I think it's about routine or the lack of it. Children that age often don't like being away from their primary caregiver but what they really really don't like is not knowing what happens next.

If you want to change it, I would suggest that your DH does bedtime one or two consistent days a week and you go out - find a class or hobby or something. Or find a toddler class (swimming? football?) at the weekend that becomes his thing to take her to every week. With the nanny, I would pick a time of day and leave her with the nanny at that time of day every day - around 1-2 hours. I would stick to these routines for at least 4 weeks. I wouldn't try and leave her with your mum because she isn't around consistently.

But it's also fine if you don't want to change it. If you do it, there will be tears and it's genuinely ok if you just don't want to for now. It's not forever, you can think again in a few months.

Yabu for thinking you're doing something wrong as it's so normal at that age, she's securely attracted and you're her secure safe bade.

Yanbu for finding it tough! Xx

With the nanny, I would pick a time of day and leave her with the nanny at that time of day every day - around 1-2 hours.

Totally agree with this! She needs to learn you will return. If its sporadic times all the time, she is just learning if I cry loud enough she'll return! If you disappear for 2 hours consistently she will eventually learn to accept that. Disappearing for 10 mins and coming back isn't even giving her a chance to try learn that skill.

Things that helped my child settle when I left included being distracted with animals, or been given half a biscuit! Whatever worked I was happy for the nanny to try! Does she have a favourite teddy or toy? Mine got very attached to hers when I returned to work, I think she associated it with a piece of home and needed it for comfort more than ever before.

are posters listening to the OP. Says she’s tried leaving her many times for different time lengths.

Not really - she mentions for 5 mins a few times (this isn't really long enough for her to calm down so not useful), 30 mins once and 2 hours twice.

It takes longer than that for toddlers to get used to settling with another caregiver, especially if this is not happening regularly.

Unlike some posters, I don't think that the toddler is crying "because she thinks it will achieve something" and that is what needs to be "broken" - I believe (as the OP does, I am sure) that it is a genuine expression of distress/confusion/upset. And this is hard to think of your LO crying and upset perhaps for up to 40 mins at a time on and off - it's not a nice thought.

But unfortunately, there is really no other way, no nice gentle way to do it. The experience of separation is hard for them, but with lots of reassurance and distracting fun activities and a dedicated, responsive caregiver they do get there. I promise. I have slow settling children and I have worried about it every time but it is SO worth it (for them and for you) and it is short lived.

My advice would be don't sneak off, keep the goodbye brief and matter of fact, no long drawn out rituals, just a quick hug/kiss (or even better a wave and blow kiss) and say bye bye. Start with short separations of maybe 30-60 mins at first up to about 2 hours - not TOO short because it's counterproductive as all they get to experience is them being upset until you come back and then it starts to build up in anxiety for them and it gets worse - this might be what has happened so far. And it needs to be regular. Not once a week but every weekday for example (or whenever nanny comes).

What you need is for the toddler to go through the experience of mum leaving and it being hard but then ALSO that she can play with nanny and have fun times without mum. She has to experience both of those things together many, many times to realise that she will be OK even if mum goes away and that mum always comes back.

What you generally find is that the prolonged crying doesn't last that long - crying at initial drop off probably will last a longer time, a few months. But within maybe 2-3 weeks, max, and sometimes as little as 3-5 days, you'll find that the on and off crying reduces down to just a momentary upset at the moment mum leaves with toddler being absolutely fine once she has actually left or maybe being upset for about 1-2 mins. With phones etc today this is even easier because you can get the nanny to text when she has settled, which will reassure you. (Just bear in mind that it IS normal and a necessary part of the process for LO to have a longer period of upset initially). If LO has an attachment to any comfort item too like a teddy, blanket etc this is useful to leave with them, if they have a dummy for sleep, this is useful to let them have (even if you don't normally want them having it in the day).

When you get back look at/admire all the fun things that toddler has done with nanny to establish that it's a positive, good thing and give toddler lots of praise.

All will be good :)

What does ‘ tried ‘ mean though?

many kids don’t transition easily to a new routine. Your logic seems to be ‘im around so much, she should be able to manage the few times in not’

but actually that’s the hardest way to do it. As each time you try to go it’s unexpected and unpredictable for her.

trying something a couple of times and giving up doesn’t mean it wouldn’t work.

it sounds like there’s no silver bullet where she won’t cry.

you need to consider what approach could work for her. You need to be ready to push through. Do you have the right nanny? It sounds like she needs someone very warm and giving and reassuring who is prepared to support her while she cries when you’re not there. And through that she’ll learn to trust them. Is that your nanny?

and don’t sneak away - it’ll make her anxious. Tell her firmly and clearly you’re going ans when you’ll be back and that she’ll be fine. She’ll get upset. You have to stay calm and reassure her, then go, not get upset in turn.

lastly it is true at this age it’s the hardest time. My kids were in an established childcare routine by 18 months but went through a phase of doing what you describe.

so you might want to wait until she’s through this phase before implementing a new routine.

you have to weigh y your need for a break with your need for her ‘not to be upset’ to decide.

I agree with the other posters. Time to just start leaving her. Get your coat on, give DD a kiss and cuddle and say "mummy is going to the shops! Have a lovely time with housekeeper! See you later darling! Bye!" in a cheery, up-beat voice, then GO.
She can't hang off you for the rest of your life. What will happen when she starts going to nursery, and then school?!

It's a case of being cruel to be kind. And she'll learn that you do always come back.

Sorry if this is too obvious, but do you actually tell her what is going on? For example "mummy is going to the loo, I'll be right back soon", or does she just think you've disappeared on her?

https://www.ahaparenting.com/read/helping-your-toddler-with-separation-anxiety

I babysit for people. I've found that some children get less distressed if they are taken out. I agree that a routine is needed and stick to it. They usually need around ten minutes to calm down. So twenty minutes at the minimum. Children go to Nursery at 2, it's a case of rising it out, if that's what you want. Some children just aren't happy to be away from Mum until around four, but it won't be forever.

Trying to picture myself as a little toddler and what she’s experiencing when she sees you’re leaving a room but… it’s so hard!

I feel for you, it sounds stressful.

What happens if you do peekaboo behind a towel or something bigger than just your hands?

She plays along!! And she initiates a game where I go behind a door, the she knocks and I open it or vice versa

My daughter always cried when I left her at nursery. But I needed to work, she soon stopped crying as she knew I was coming back in the evening and once distracted she was ok. Your daughter knows you come back when she cries, start leaving them for longer. Maybe start short as suggested but then go out for half a day

It's unlikely that a child of 16 months is struggling with object permanence, which is what you're teaching by playing peekaboo. Most babies grasp this by around 8/9 months, it's actually generally what kicks off separation anxiety. Before this age, they don't typically have separation anxiety and tend to be happy as long as someone is holding them and meeting their physical needs (hunger, comfort etc) - but will reach for/cry for mum if they can see her.

DS1 was very anxious about me leaving and would be upset even when I left the room, which led me to avoid it when possible, which I think made it worse. I had a very lovely and kind health visitor (a rarity!) and family support worker at our local children's centre who set up a situation where I could leave him in the playroom with the support worker, which would make him cry, then I'd walk around to the other side of the building, go to the loo (to fill up a couple of minutes) and come back to just outside the room, where he could no longer see me, but I could hear that he wasn't crying. It was so helpful, even though I resisted it initially and felt it was cruel, nearly being in tears in the loo myself. I think I had just as much anxiety about separating as he did! But anyway it honestly did not take very long, and it was not very helpful for me to be so focused on how upset and distressed he seemed at the moment that I left. An experienced childcare professional should be calm about this, and have some tools and techniques up their sleeve to help the separation process go smoothly. They did this so that I could access counselling sessions which were important for me at that time.

I would just leave.
if you were going to work she would just have to cope.
do it regularly and for set times and she will learn that you always come back.

My daughter is the same. I found it so tough as my son was the complete opposite. He would literally be ok with a stranger.

For those implying that the OP has 'enabled' this I disagree. My daughter is nearly 3 and I've done everything and she is still the same. I leave her (and always have done) to cry if I need to but it doesn't mean that she has improved. If I'm in the house she still cries if I go to the toilet! She sees my mum daily but if I was to leave them she would cry. It's exhausting!! Xx

@threefiftysix i think enabling is the wrong word. I just think the methods that OP has tried so far haven't worked. Kids thrive off routine! OP needs to set the same time each day that she is going to leave the child with the nanny and then build on that time gradually. 5 mins here and 10 mins there isn't going to allow the child to learn that mammy will come back and I'll be OK until she does!

Start leaving her daily for half an hour, consistently and build from there. Prove to her you always come back. She’ll get used to it.

You've got to teach her! And you can say no if you don't want to go with her to see the fish tank.

If you are not in the room, you can't hear her crying.

Thats someone else problem.

She will figure out when you come back, that you do come back.

You've never given her the opportunity to learn to be independent of you.

Everyone commenting that the child needs to learn and that if you're consistent that it will get better has absolutely zero evidence to base this on! Just because you think that's what worked for your kids doesn't mean it will work for the op. You can only parent the child you have. There are toddlers who can be given a consistent routine and they still cry every time their mum leaves.

We home educate and so many people seem to think this is some kind of selfish choice that parents make. I meet so many parents who home ed precisely because their child was so upset every time they were apart. And it didn't stop at school age either. So instead of leaving their child crying every day, they chose not to put them through that.
All children grow out of this eventually. It's just that some take years longer than most.

@madamepopov I don't think it will definitely work but I do think it's worth a try because it's something the OP hasn't tried and it does work for many children.