Am I doing something wrong, why can't DD stay with anyone except me

[lillyj9267]

I'm a SAHM. My DD is 17mo and I literally cannot leave with with anyone even for 5 minutes, except maybe with her dad. If I do, she will cry non stop.

We have a housekeeper in the U.K., who was originally hired as a nanny but due to the fact I can't leave my daughter she became a housekeeper. Still, my DD sees this lady every day, plays with her, will "help" her by putting the washing machine on as long as I'm nearby but the second I leave (even to the toilet) she will scream MAMMMMAAAAAAA MAMMMMMMAAAAAA and not play at all.

My own mum visits us quite often, stays for about 1 week out of every month. My daughter happily plays with her but the minute I decide to leave them in the same room whilst I go upstairs to put some shoes on it's MAMMMMMAAAAAA again.

Sometimes I'll go on holiday with my mum and DD, like now. We're unable to go to the restaurant even though we've taken the nanny / housekeeper with us. If, for example, she's going to look at some fish tanks in the restaurant I have to come with her. She will approach the table, grab my hand and drag me until I join. If I don't join she screams and falls to the floor. Queue disapproving looks from everyone in the restaurant and even my own mother.

I could leave her with my husband but that means no date nights for us and also he works so isn't always available if I have, for example, a doctors appointment during the week. On holiday often he can't come as he works but when he can we would just end up having dinner separately even if we take the nanny.

She has trained you well. It's time for you train her as others have suggested. It'll be painful at first but you need to do it.

It is difficult (for you) but you say yourself if you leave her for longer periods she does stop crying. Start leaving her regularly for an hour or two and she will learn that you will and do come back and there's nothing to be anxious about.

Lots of kids are like this, it's only got to this stage as you're able to let it while most aren't. My eldest two I had to go back to work when they were 12 and 18 months respectively. They cried, I cried, it was sad, we all got used to it. After my youngest I started working as a childminder and therefore never had to leave her. She never wants to be away from me and I've now started her two mornings a week in nursery despite that being massively inconvenient and costly because shes nearly 3 and still very very attached. It's normal, it's lovely but it's not good for her in the long run and she needs to be able to be away from me in case of an emergency etc so were persevering.

I do get it though, I can't stand the crying either. But at some point it has to be done and I don't recommend waiting until their speech is perfect and they can try to bargain with you and beg you not to leave because that really does break your heart.

As pp said, leave her consistently. In the early stages you could also stay nearby and when she settles and is playing happily with nanny, have nanny contact you to come back. That way you return when she has a positive association with the nanny and is happy rather than getting fractious, crying and then have you return for comfort rather than fun.

You need to train her. So leave her for an hour the first week and when you come back, she’ll know you will be back. Increase it to 2 hours the next week and so on with lots of activities for the nanny to engage her at home.
She’ll cry but will later realise that the crying won’t achieve anything and you’ll be back home.
DH’s nephew was like his, won’t stay with anybody except mum and dad and they were enabling it until mum had to go to the hospital to have the second baby, she had an induction and they were there for almost 2 days so they had no choice. He screamed all day and barely slept. After this they realised they are not doing him or themselves any favour and had to train him.

I would start her at nursery for a couple of mornings a week. I'm a SAHM but both of mine went to nursery for two mornings at around this age and then two full days until they started pre-school to get them used to not being with me all of the time.

It will be a huge change for you and her, so build up gradually but not too gradually. I often think they need to be there for a few hours fairly early on the get over the 'mummy has left, this is awful' stage and then have long enough to realise that they're ok and it's actually quite fun.

Good luck. You've done nothing wrong but it's probably time for a change.

I think this is a good plan
I'd do it Monday to Friday going forward.
Commit to it for a week and get the nanny to time the crying on Monday and friday. It will decrease

Children like consistency and routine.. well my DD does. Mon -friday she knows exactly how the day will look and seeks the routine. Eg. Will go and turn on the bath. Will go get her sleep suit and jammies

Owl Babies has a mother owl going out in it.
we used to read it a lot, adding an extra ‘Mothers always come back’ when she did

Also You need to stop fixating on the crying. Your last message reads as "you don't understand. It's all so impossible!"

If you left her for 4 hours she isn't going to cry for 4 hours. 30 mins maybe an hour on and off yes.

If my DD (who happily goes off to childcare and out with her dad) KNEW I was in the next room and wanted me she'd go beserk for up to an hour too. It's how they are programmed.

Are you actually planning on taking any of the advice of here?

You feel you are being a good mum by staying with her but in terms of her development it’s holding her back. If you think this way it will help you to get her used to being without you for periods of time.

She's learned that when she screams for you, you don't leave her/ you go with her. Its proved effective so why would she stop doing it?

As a result, you aren't ever leaving her and so she is never learning that she can trust other caregivers to meet her needs. Leave her with her grandmother etc. She will cry at first then will enjoy herself and trust that she's fine with others.

Also build in consistency and give her warnings that you are going to leave her but will be back. She should increasingly be understanding more of language.

Be prepared though, some children will always cry on separation from a parent, for years and years, especially if it gets a response, or draws out the process of the parent leaving.

You see at school gates. Dad doesn't fuss, so the kids walk straight in when he drops, mum displays a very emotional response, gives extra hugs/sympathy and has a child clinging to her legs refusing to go in.

You don't have to leave her crying if you don't want to and it certainly doesn't mean she'll never be able to separate from you. Separation anxiety is a normal phase and babies grow out of it. My 2nd child was similar and I only left her with my husband but by the time she was 2 she was really confident and we had no issues starting nursery at 2y2m or leaving her with my Mum.

Crying or not you can’t be with her all the time.

Jessbows plan is perfect.

I wouldn't jump straight to a nursery. Its too much of a reduction in adult attention for a child not even comfortable being left with a familiar grandma. She'll just hate it and be miserable and the only way you'd get past it would be to put her in for a lot of sessions every week - a couple of mornings won't cut it, she'll not build a bond with the staff.

Most toddlers go through that phase, for my son it's with his dad. We have a drama every time he leaves, and just reassure him that daddy will come back (after his shower/work/tonight....) and let him cry.

It's the same as with everything at that age, it's a mix of emotional reaction but also an attempt to control the situation. If you keep giving in, she has no reason to change her reaction.
My son is now 21 months now and he learned to understand "later" and "back", things are much better because he knows it's temporary when his dad leaves.

Just to add: a good nanny should be able to manage that situation.
And a good nanny is unlikely to accept to work as a housekeeper (if there are any nannies here, please correct me if I'm wrong!).

Any baby sitters we've had are experienced nursery workers and they can distract our son so he stops crying within 10 min after we've gone.

Change the nanny!

It's am entirely normal phase. Go to nursery at the start of the year and there's always a smattering of kids screaming their heads off. I think a lot of the attachment parenting stuff online has made us feel guilty if our kids cry at all but sometimes they will cry.

If she's comfortable with dad can he try taking her out to the park at the weekend for an hour or so to build up time away from you but not the feeling of being left? When I put my sons in to nursery I was advised to be confident (fake it until you make it) and never sneak out. Say mummy is heading to the shop and will be back in one hour and give a kiss and a cuddle and hand to her nanny. She absolutely will scream and have to be dragged off you...thats entirely developmentally appropriate. At this stage she thinks that if you leave you'll never come back. Then drive away and if you need to cry or look anxious do it in the car so she can't see. She will cry for a while but if her nanny can walk about with her and play some games or get a snack and make sure she has her comfort items you know she is safe and loved and has all the tools she needs to comfort her until you get home. This is NOT the same as leaving her to 'cry it out'. Then when you get home big cuddles and kisses and 'oh I missed you too'. Then do the same the next day.

It won't happen overnight, my first took months to settle without me and my second took a few weeks. Both are incredibly happy little boys who love to spend every second with me and be touching me at all times but also super happy to go to nursery at school now.

When you go out without her, do you offer lots of reassurance, hugs etc before you leave? If so, I'd suggest a more bright and breezy approach

"Don't worry, you'll be fine" implies there is reason to worry

"I'm going to buy milk and you will have lots of fun playing with Jenny until I get back" would be better

Oh, it's perfectly normal at that age.

She'll grow out of it. And the crying honestly won't hurt her. Just leave now and then and think no more of it.

Its a ripe age for separation anxiety.

It used to drive me crazy tho!

are posters listening to the OP. Says she’s tried leaving her many times for different time lengths. OP is worried. Something doesn’t feel right to her. Yes maybe she has money for nannies, multiple holidays but not the emotional intelligence to resolve this and it’s a matter of toughen, train the child by cry it out as so many people are saying. but maybe something isn’t right and her mum intuition is picking up on it. OP have you ruled out other stuff! Is she well and happy generally ? Could she still be missing your 1st nanny? If all well, because you obviously don’t want the crying approach as you would have done it already, I’d do shorter periods of time- in and out the room, the front door , garden door and coming back in really quickly before she gets upset even it’s a second and build it up from there. And loads of peek a boo

Do you say gooodbye or sneak off?

This sounds completely normal to me, one of mine didn’t give a shit who looked after him and the other screamed if he was with anyone but me. He had separation anxiety until he was 3 and then he was ready to be away from me for a few hours at a time.

It got better without me leaving him screaming or “training” him.

You have created this by always returning at the first sign of shouting and then never going anywhere. Just leave her for half hour - an hour and keep doing that. This is no way to live and not at all helpful to her development. She’ll soon get used to it and give up on the drama.

My son did this for a bit at the same age. He got through it, it was just separation anxiety. I didn’t do any training - personally I think it’s easier to negotiate the crying and leave them if you have to be somewhere, like work, and a lot harder if you’re “just” having a break or can be more flexible, but that’s my mentality.

it was really hard work for the while that he intently wanted me but now he happily runs off and doesn’t care where I am 99% or the time.