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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Trans husband

54 replies

Fedupwashedout · 15/09/2023 20:07

am I unreasonable? My husband of 20 years is a trans woman. He asked if the relationship was sustainable and I told him I didn’t find him as a woman attractive. He took offence and said he’d support me no matter what. I support him and love him I just don’t find him sexually attractive as a woman.

OP posts:
TowerRaven7 · 15/09/2023 20:09

No way in hell are you being unreasonable. If my husband told me this I’d tell him to sashay herself out the door.

Lingfield01 · 15/09/2023 20:11

YANBU, on so many levels

BeautifulGnome · 15/09/2023 20:12

That sounds like a lot to take in! Did this just come out of the blue for you? I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I'm trying to imagine how I'd feel and failing! But I know I couldn't imagine finding my DH attractive as a woman. Personally I would have no idea how the relationship could survive this

dementedpixie · 15/09/2023 20:12

Will you stay with him?

Name99 · 15/09/2023 20:12

Nah your not being unreasonable, he on the other hand...

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 15/09/2023 20:12

You married a man. Are you still actually married if they are no longer a man?

dementedpixie · 15/09/2023 20:13

Think you can get an annulment if he now says he's a woman. Are you a trans widow? Think there're support groups for that

Baldieheid · 15/09/2023 20:13

Take a look at the transwidows thread on the feminism board - the women writing on that have been in your position and may be best positioned to advise you.

BeautifulGnome · 15/09/2023 20:14

Talk about male privilege
"love, I'm a woman but I still want to have a full married life with you. You have a problem with that? How dare you?"

dementedpixie · 15/09/2023 20:14

Or is that just if they are trying to get a gender recognition certificate?

ConsuelaHammock · 15/09/2023 20:14

Is he autistic?

SalGoodwoman · 15/09/2023 20:17

You're entirely reasonable. You've had your life turned upside down. And now he expects you to to validate his sexual fantasy, find him attractive? It's all about him, isn't it?!? He is the unreasonable one.

Look up Trans Widows, you're not alone Flowers

VickyEadieofThigh · 15/09/2023 20:28

It's a massive turn-off for most women, I'd say.

YANBU.

Afterrain · 15/09/2023 20:30

Why would you think he is 'autistic'?

confusedmum2023 · 15/09/2023 20:46

ConsuelaHammock · 15/09/2023 20:14

Is he autistic?

Here we go typical MN everyone is autistic ffs

Againstmachine · 15/09/2023 20:49

ConsuelaHammock · 15/09/2023 20:14

Is he autistic?

Shove this is this excuse for everything autism.

No you can't longer be with him, is this a phase or permanent. Sorry for your loss of a husband.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 15/09/2023 20:50

Oh look another transphobic dog whistle, how novel.

Sweetlily99 · 15/09/2023 20:50

Yanbu

There is a trans woman at work who does loads of panel events, who has a wife. And they were married as husband and wife before he became a trans woman

I must admit that most of my.questions are for the wife and of course remain unanswered

V confusing for you. I'd be out the door.

Againstmachine · 15/09/2023 20:54

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 15/09/2023 20:50

Oh look another transphobic dog whistle, how novel.

Imagine people discussing things, I know the trans lobby don't like people talking, it's easier just to put kids on hormones.

ConsuelaHammock · 15/09/2023 23:25

confusedmum2023 · 15/09/2023 20:46

Here we go typical MN everyone is autistic ffs

Show quote history

The only trans teenagers I know are autistic!

ManyMaybes · 15/09/2023 23:39

SalGoodwoman · 15/09/2023 20:17

You're entirely reasonable. You've had your life turned upside down. And now he expects you to to validate his sexual fantasy, find him attractive? It's all about him, isn't it?!? He is the unreasonable one.

Look up Trans Widows, you're not alone Flowers

Ok so the OP’s husband is clearly in the wrong here but did you really need to use this thread as an opportunity to refer to trans women using ‘his’ in italics, and call being trans a sexual fantasy?

Such uncalled for aggression.

TrickorTreacle · 16/09/2023 02:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ToBrieOrNotToBrieThatIsTheQuestion · 16/09/2023 02:38

A few years ago the stat I heard for this scenario was that

A third split up very quickly.
A third split up some time later.
A third continue the marriage long term.

This is simply a case of the two of you wanting different things from life.

MN is the wrong place to post though, it contains a lot of people with strong anti trans views. You're not going to get much by way of nuance or balance around these parts.

GoldenSpangles · 16/09/2023 02:43

I absolutely support trans rights - sporting events excluded - but you are not being unreasonable. He can make his choices but you signed up to be married to a man.

Mamai90 · 16/09/2023 02:58

Againstmachine · 15/09/2023 20:54

Imagine people discussing things, I know the trans lobby don't like people talking, it's easier just to put kids on hormones.

Show quote history

I'm genuinely all for discussing things and I'm all for listening to everyone's point of view on this subject.

It's a difficult one for me because my cousin is a trans man and he was really unhappy and suicidal as a woman and now he's the happiest he's ever been. He is also of the agreement that there is some male entitlement coming from a small minority of 'trans women'. I kind of agree with this but to me those men aren't genuine trans, they are sick perverted individuals and I do think they give the whole trans community a bad name.

I also agree with the majority on here that children who are trans shouldn't be given any type of hormone treatment until they an adult.

OP, I couldn't stay with my husband on any level if he was trans. Our relationship would be over, friendship maybe, but I'm not even sure if I'd be able to offer that either.

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