Trans husband

[Fedupwashedout]

am I unreasonable? My husband of 20 years is a trans woman. He asked if the relationship was sustainable and I told him I didn’t find him as a woman attractive. He took offence and said he’d support me no matter what. I support him and love him I just don’t find him sexually attractive as a woman.

I only know one trans teen and they are autistic.

No, you are not unreasonable. What we are sexually attracted to isn't something we consciously decide, it just is what it is. If you are only sexually attracted to male physical traits, then your partner changing their physical traits from male to female looking, will alter your sexual attraction to them negatively. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, if you're not sexually attracted to them now, thats on them not you.

It’s a sexual fetish you don’t share. That’s fine. YANBU - forcing you is akin to assault.

https://www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/transgender-and-gender-diverse-individuals-are-more-likely-to-be-autistic-and-report-higher-autistic

Why did he ask if he didn't want to hear the answer

Divorce him.

If he would support you no matter what, then he'll support you in a problem free divorce.

@ManyMaybes Autogynephilia??

I think there's lots of feelings and emotions bundled up in your partner changing gender. For some people it's fine and they can work through it for others it's a no. Only you can decide if you still feel the same way about your marriage.

Your husband knows that you are heterosexual. It is unfair to demand that you change your sexuality. That is just not how it works.

Well, quite @TrishTrix

This!

OP you are being lovely about it. You must have been devastated to lose your sexual partner even though you have gained a close female friend.

I hope your ExH, dear friend, comes round to understanding this.

My long term bf became trans. She completely understood that I was attracted to men so I was ok on that. I married a man and she married a woman. We remain great friends/family and I hope it works this way for you.

I'm not being aggressive, there is no agression on my part.

I'm using "he/his" because that's how the OP is referring to her husband. It's not for me to dictate how the OP should refer to her partner of 20 years.

At no point did I "call being trans a sexual fantasy" - again my language is only referring to the OP's post about not finding her newly transitioned partner sexually attractive.

If only people read more carefully, sigh.

It is not a binary choice between driving the transgender individual to suicide and forcing a woman to continue in a marriage that is nothing like the one she entered into. Framing it as if it was is not honest or helpful.

YANBU at all of course. You can't change your sexuality

I see the OP hasn't been back. No surprise there, then.

You have stated that you love your partner and have no desire to end the marriage, you just do not find them sexually attractive as a woman. I would say that the marriage can survive and the relationship can be positive, as long as your partner respects your preferences too.

Obviously intimacy is very important in a marriage, but there are plenty of marriages where sexual intimacy is not possible for one reason or another. If you are happy to continue the marriage, you love your partner, but you do not want sex with them, then it really is up to your partner to consider whether they can continue with the marriage on these terms.

You are supporting your partner (you have not rejected them as a person; you just do not feel sexually attracted to them). Your partner now needs to consider how they can support you.

May be sh3 has found the support she needed in the transwidow support thread . I hope so .

Not unreasonable. If you are not sexually attracted to her now you are not sexually attracted to her. It is completely ok to end the relationship

Given the gaslighting on this thread (referring to @Fedupwashedout 's husband as "she") I'm not surprised.

Going through exactly the same here.

You might find this site useful for support and information. There is also a long running thread on the feminist (sex and gender) board.

www.transwidowsvoices.org/

So what? Autistic people have as much a right to self determination as anyone else. Comments like this reek of ableism.

No, YANBU. Sexual attraction isn't a tap that we can turn on and off.

Presumably, you married your partner because you liked his personality and found him physically attractive - and presumably again, the latter attraction rested somewhat to wholly because of maleness and masculinity.

The situation has now changed - after 20 years of marriage - and you are well within your rights not to find a middle aged man, wearing Anne Summers underwear, high heels and lipstick, attractive.

(May I interject here: I had a lover for several years who occasionally wore women's underwear in a kind of amusing way and he and I found it super hot - particularly because he was a from a hypermasculine cultural background, so I guess there was a taboo element. HOWEVER, had he turned around and told me he wanted to wear women's clothes and make up all the time, etc, etc, this would be a totally different thing)

You are not being unreasonable. You are being gaslighted and emotionally manipulated and this man desperately wants your validation. This isn't a private kink, or an health issue, or a time-limited ask for support. He is asking you to redefine your relationship, put your feelings to the back, hold his hand and brave the storm by being public, and maybe later down the line spend your joint finances on surgery and hormones.

And then guilting you for not being supportive enough.

Check out the transwidow thread on this site, fix your finances, get a divorce. And do not feel shamed into having sex with him.

I am so sorry for you.
You have been lied to, that is how I see this.