I’m a long-time poster on MN but have never posted in this category. I partake and post about my GC quite a lot (I care for them often), so I’ve NC’d for this post. And I’m sorry, now I’ve finished bashing the keyboard, I’m aware this is tediously long....
I’m in my early 60’s and recently, although physically I still feel much younger, mentally is a whole different matter. Reading a lot of posts in AIBU is making me realise that I’m turning into an old-fashioned, intolerant hag who is stuck a few decades behind.
I read posts where, to me, someone has been unreasonable and/or just a spoiled brat or downright rude. Yet (and here is my problem), so many responses are defending the ‘unreasonable’ behaviour, by pointing out that the offender may have a ND disorder, suffer from insecurity or may have had a difficult upbringing, other hidden issues etc. In some cases yes, but for the vast majority of content, I find myself reading it and thinking “FFS, accept you were just plain wrong and get on with it”.
And I’m having a battle with myself over my perspective of this. I’m ashamed that I’m turning into the type of person who I have always been so derisive of – and afraid that I’m becoming ‘that’ person who is stuck in a generation time warp of “It wasn’t like this in my day” and “It’s nothing that a bit of discipline won’t sort out”. My 6-year-old GS said to me the other day (after he refused to get out of the bath when I said it was time to get dry and into PJs for bed) “Nanny, you do know I have choices, don’t you?”. I swallowed a smile and agreed that yes he does have choices in many things, but explained that sometimes we all need help to make the correct choice. He said “Getting out of the bath is not the right choice for me right now, Miss XYZ at school said we must always remember that we can challenge a choice if it’s not right”. He’s 6 years old ffs! Worth mentioning that he’s usually a jolly, well-grounded little chap and doesn’t give anyone too much trouble and hearing him speak like this is so out of character. Of course now I think he’s going to end up on AIBU at some point for being “entitled” (which seems to be a contender for word of the year at the moment….see, dinosaur mode has kicked in again!)
I mentioned this to his Mum (my DD) and she rolled her eyes and said that I have to get with the times and things are very different for children than they were ‘back in my day’. She said that no child should ever be told what to do without a full explanation of why they are being asked to do it. I told her that I HAD explained to the GS why he needed to get out of the bath (that it’s bedtime, school the next day and how hard it is at school if you’re already tired when you get there etc.), but GS response to this was that I was not being kind, and it’s very important to be kind. I was very kind about it!
This morning I read a post about someone having problems with a new employee (young graduate) who had got something a little wrong at work. When picked up on it, the employee obviously felt she was being victimised and wanted an apology from the manager who had raised the issue. Whilst the majority of replies were along the lines of “she’s trouble/get rid”, many more answers suggested that fresh eyes in the workplace might not be a bad thing and that the new employee shouldn’t just accept the way things work there currently, just because it’s always been done a certain way. I genuinely felt a flash of anger at these responses. In this case, the OP said the workplace is a good place to be, the existing team is a happy one, there’s a good working vibe etc. and productivity is good. Why the heck would anyone believe that the work culture there needs changing just because someone didn’t like being told they had messed up?
There are many more examples I could list where I’ve found myself in the minority camp of ‘just suck it up’ and I’m starting to at best doubt myself and at worst, not liking the narrow-minded person that I’m worried I’m becoming. This is manifesting in RL too – struggling to think of an actual scenario now, but let’s use driving as one. I have driven almost daily for well over 40 years (and proud to say I’ve never had so much as a bump in all that time, likely an element of luck here, but still proud of it all the same). Lately, I’m finding the intolerance of other road users is at a whole new level. The slightest ‘wrong’ move (for eg. not driving fast enough for the driver of a car behind me, or auto headlights on occasion having not dipped soon enough for an oncoming vehicle at night), results in a barrage of horn-blowing, fist-waving and other gesticulations. I’m pretty sure that this aggression was much less prolific years ago, when an apologetic hand raised was acknowledged with a nod. So, is this another example of times changing and me not keeping up? It seems a constant struggle between ‘we must be kind’ and ‘we must also not be afraid to scream and shout if we feel we are being wronged’!
I am deeply ashamed that I am going to be ‘that’ 80-year-old who sits in a wing-backed chair bemoaning ‘the youth of today’ and ‘what has the world come to’. I don’t want to be, but equally, I honestly don’t know how to go about being more tolerant of changing times and accepting that things can’t stay the same. I know I need to understand that just because something was considered ‘right’ years ago, may not necessarily be appropriate or relevant now. I struggle with this more than I care to admit.
How do I drag myself into the 2000s and stop myself from ending up a miserable, wizened old bat? I should mention that when reading AIBU threads, I do sometimes realise I’ve read some opposing opinions to mine that I’d not thought of before, and when that happens I’m pleased that I’ve been able to recognise differing viewpoints, but it doesn’t happen as often as I’d like.
Please be kind – I don’t want to get bashed for being like this (I can do that just fine on my own!), but I'd really welcome any advice on how to be a bit more open-minded, and yes, tolerant of other peoples’ opinions. It’s likely irrelevant, but I’d also like to mention that this became more noticeable during/after a very late menopause. I’ve also struggled with ongoing anxiousness, memory problems and horrible brain fog since this time, which HRT hasn’t really improved (that said, I’m more convinced these problems are more attributable to having had a difficult few years with the loss of loved ones from Covid at the beginning, business struggles at the same time and having sole care of elderly and ailing parents), so I’m still hoping these issues are transient and will resolve when my situation changes). But can the menopause change your personality or am I just looking for excuses?
Thank you if you made it to the end and haven't nodded off by now!