To scale back care to elderly mum as I can’t keep travelling 300 miles

[AutumnSalad]

I love my mum and she is a fantastic Granny to my 3 daughters. She’s 78 but because of a lung disease she is very frail and is finding a lot of things really difficult, she can’t walk to the shops, she just about manages in the house but gets very tired. She lives on her own.

My problem is that she lives in the same town as my brother, and they both expect me to do the majority of the care. I can do loads remotely, I do all her appointments, medications, online shopping. I’ve battled her pride to get her a cleaner, gardener and Attendance Allowance. I’ve set up power of attorney. I speak to her for an hour every single day. And I’ve visited every 3 weeks or so, sometimes just to interview the cleaner with her, or go to the Doctors with her.

I don’t mind doing stuff for her but it’s unsustainable, I am a lone parent and one of my children is disabled. I just can’t simply keep coming down every 3 weeks. But my brother seems to expect that I take care of all her medical/care stuff. He doesn’t visit her, he sometimes brings her to his house. To be fair to him he’s really busy. I think he likes that she lives near him, and his wife berates me for not visiting enough! I find my brothers family increasingly demanding on me also. They also don’t really understand how ill our mum is now, she puts on a good front for them.

I had a really honest chat with my mum last year and said that I’d be really happy for her to come and live with me, I have the room and she could be surrounded by kids all day which she would love. She won’t move, which is fair enough her decision. But I did say that if she continued to need people to go to appointments with her etc I can’t keep coming down.

But in practice I’ve found this really hard. She ends up in situations where if she goes to the doctors alone she forgets what they’ve said, or says she’s fine etc and then talks to me later in a real state - so I end up rebooking and going with her myself. In reality there is no one to take care of my mums needs, but I cant’ do this from 300 miles away! What on earth do I do.

My brother is impossible to talk to, he just makes me feel even more guilty, he even got mad with me about doing the power of attorney as it ‘wasn’t done in the right way’ and doesn’t think she needs a cleaner. He would take it very personally that I even asked my mum to live with me, as if I was taking her away from where she loves.

Gosh you poor thing.

Your brother ought to step up, but there's no way of making him if he'd just let your mum struggle in your absence. It sounds like he manipulates/bullies you to make you take the caring role and everyone assumes it falls to you because vagina.

I'd try the conversation with your mum again about moving. It must be costing you a bomb as well as the physical/emotional demands.

Can you suggest that your mum comes and stays with you for a little while - that you need her - maybe after a few weeks she will rethink.

Sadly it is most likely that her care needs will increase and become more encompassing which will require either full time live in care with family, or a residential home.
Does she have any friends in care near her that she could perhaps visit and explore that option.

As for your brother and his family I would just put them in their place bluntly. I suspect as you 'moved away' you will always be in the wrong in their eyes.

Assume you won't get anywhere with your brother, if he doesn't do it willingly now you'll just get yourself in a state trying. Get your mum to give your GP permission to talk to you so you can cover any confusion with phone calls and emails rather than travelling. Then tell everyone that any extra care will need to be bought in if brother doesn't step up. And stick to it despite any whinges and moans. Learn to use the phrase "so what are you going to do about that" whenever possible.
Get a social services assessment done of her care needs even if she is self funding. They may be able to provide equipment or point you to services you don't know about. Ours pointed mum to a church run lunch club where she has made friends and they pick her up and take her home as well.

Why doesn't your brother think she should have a cleaner? Is it about the money? Explain to him than unless he steps up she'll soon be spending much more on care.

Thanks all, I did suggest to my mum that she come and stay with me, even for 2 weeks, 2 months or whatever, open ended! She says No adamantly.

Can you speak to age UK in her area. We found a great person through them and she's helped mum go to things when I haven't been able to attend, she also visits twice a week and would help with shopping or would take mum out when she was more mobile.

Your brother should step up but speaking from personal experience you can't make someone do it and I've made the decision it's not worth falling out over. His position may also change in time but don't hold your breath.

Yes there is a lot of shaming me for moving away, which is sad as even if I could talk to my brother in an open way about how our mum is from time to time, it would really relieve the emotional load on me.

That’s a good idea about Doctor appointments, I’ll ask if they can phone me. One of the battles I have is that my brother has put himself as the one contact for everything, and as her main next of kin, I had to insist I was also the contact.

I wonder if it’s time for you to have a crisis of your own?

I second this

Can you point out to your brother that you do all these things and then ask him what he does for her?
In fact it might be even better writing it does so he can see it in a list form everything you do and may put it in perspective how little he does.

Your life is 300 miles away, he is busy but so are you!
Does he have kids too?

My heart goes out to you. My mum is nearly 100 but does really well alone, cooks, cleans, goes to the shop most days and can articulate her medical concerns and better still have total recall what medics say. Thankfully she lives 15 minutes away if she needs me.
I just don’t know wherein the answer lies for you without you withdrawing slightly. As far as medical appts go could you have an arrangement with her GP to discuss her visits on the phone when you are unable to physically attend? I’ve known this to happen for other families. I guess that might not work for hospital visits? Are the latter visits less frequent?

I suspect guilt is the overriding emotion here? You are doing everything you can and don’t underestimate the challenges of her living with you either. That's a huge step to take esp as you’ve got children who still need you.

In time a crises might happen which will bring matters to a head. A fall or something which might mean discharge to a retirement home. The only thing I can suggest is be a bit backward with stepping forward at that time because the authorities will let you take on the responsibility if they can. Be warned! Play a waiting game to see what solutions your brother comes up with.

Im so sorry you are in this position but maybe it’s time to really harden your heart and have strong words with your brother and family. I hope you can carve out come respite from the tremendous strain it puts on you. 💐

Your brothers are putting the mental load on you because you're a woman. It's pure entitled misogyny. Put your foot down and draw boundaries for your sake and the sake of your child. I saw this happen from my uncles towards my mum when my nan got older. My mum, the least favoured child (tho I'm not suggesting that's your case too), ended up being the one arranging all my nans care and the only one who financially contributed to her care. My uncles did fuck all.

I'd suggest saying you can visit once every two months (or whatever you prefer) and you expect them to step up and help with your mum's care needs. If they become nasty, go low contact. Keep a record of everything you do for your mum.

For appointments, can your mum call you from her mobile and put you on speaker so you can hear and speak to the GP?

You sound like a wonderful woman but this situation is unsustainable. Do not feel guilty. You've already done so much and you clearly love your mum. But you sound very close to burn out 💐

I am in a similar position (older parent)
Parent refused to move
No sibling
I am moving much closer
The distance became unsustainable. Too much time, money ,& effort frequently up & down the country

Have you thought about moving back ?

I do feel quite close to burn out. I think it’s a lot of the reactive stuff, mum denying she needs help then crisis. I honestly thought me and brother got on well but he seems to manage me rather than just accept what we both can or can’t do without judgement.

I have thought about moving back/closer, but then I thought really my kids needs come first, and particularly care and schooling for my disabled child.

But I honestly would care for my mother in my own home, I know what it entails and I think she deserves that option. I just can’t square moving to her, just because she won’t move in with me, and compromise my kids needs in the process.

I think you need to be going on a little holiday OP and before you do, your brother needs to be reminded about your mothers medication, appointments and shopping that needs to be done while your gone.

If you keep backing down to your brother it’s never going to get any better. So what if he’s really busy? So are you! We find the time to make these phone calls and these visits happen and if his wife doesn’t like it she can piss off! It’s his parent too and he should be doing 50% of the care and work.

I am in a similar position.

My mum is 200 miles away. She's 78 and getting frail.

I'm disabled myself and use a wheelchair.
I've offered for her to live with me, but she doesn't want to. (To be fair we'd probably argue a lot).

We've had a conversation about how I can't provide care and can't drive up frequently.

She wants to manage on her own for as long as she can, but if she does need a home she wants to go in one near me.

I don't particularly like seeing her struggle with stuff but I also struggle with daily life sometimes and it is her decision,

You've offered your mum the option of living with you so you can provide care. She doesn't want it. So the consequences of that will be that she struggles a bit more - but she can make that choice.

Ignore your brother he's just being sexist.

I'd try one last attempt at talking to your brother. Tell him it's just not possible for you to keep up the physical visits so often but u can manage all the appointments and online shopping etc.

All ur asking him to do is visit her and help out more. U have already asked ur mum to move in with you and she refuses. Don't let him make u feel guilty as sounds like u do way more than him anyway!

If it all ends up on further arguments and makes no difference then again try spking to ur mum. Maybe even get social work or occupational therapist out to see and spk with ur mum. If they were to hear ur offer to live with u maybe ur mum wld listen to them.

It's tough. I live in Ireland.

My mum is 75, and frail for her age. I'm 39 . I got offered a summer contract job in the UK. I went to work there. I instantly got a Facebook message from my aunty saying "I should be ashamed of myself for leaving my mother when she needed me". It made me cry.

People will always shame you and say youre not doing enough.

I'm of the opinion now that I don't care what they say. Hard as it is i'm going to put myself first. I'm not going to sacrifice my own life for my mother. No matter what I do I'll be told by someone that I'm not doing enough. I have to work. You have to have your own life.

I really feel for you all in a similar position, it’s really hard. If I was older though I’d love someone to offer for me to live with them! But I’m not really the favoured child, my brother is the golden boy which is kind of fine, my mum has earnt her right as she’s been lovely to me also. But I think that’s why she won’t move, she’d never displease her son.

@AutumnSalad you have to put yourself first.

We don't exist to be servants for our parents.

I’ve been there with elderly relations. If you do stuff the rest of the family will take it for granted that you enjoy it and expect it of you.

You need to set some firm boundaries with brother and mother. The current status quo is unsustainable due to the care needs at home. Your mother is at the point where she needs to have a care plan in place with a local care agency or move into a care home. It’s up to her which she prefers.

You do have to be firm with both of them.

With a parent who refuses to move the answer is not to upend your life. Old people are often rigid and intransigent it’s simply a case of keeping firm with your own boundaries too.

you would not be unreasonable to prioritise what your children need.

You are going above and beyond from my perspective and you have made a very generous offer to your mum. If she can’t / won’t accept it then that is her decision. I don’t think you should burn yourself out because she’s not prepared to even try something new.

I strongly believe family should take care of each other, especially through old age, but your mum has refused your support. You can’t keep travelling so far so frequently, it’s not fair on you and your mum has refused to move in with you. There is not much you can do if she won’t, I get that it’s incredibly hard to take a step back but your own health and well-being is important too