To scale back care to elderly mum as I can’t keep travelling 300 miles

[AutumnSalad]

I love my mum and she is a fantastic Granny to my 3 daughters. She’s 78 but because of a lung disease she is very frail and is finding a lot of things really difficult, she can’t walk to the shops, she just about manages in the house but gets very tired. She lives on her own.

My problem is that she lives in the same town as my brother, and they both expect me to do the majority of the care. I can do loads remotely, I do all her appointments, medications, online shopping. I’ve battled her pride to get her a cleaner, gardener and Attendance Allowance. I’ve set up power of attorney. I speak to her for an hour every single day. And I’ve visited every 3 weeks or so, sometimes just to interview the cleaner with her, or go to the Doctors with her.

I don’t mind doing stuff for her but it’s unsustainable, I am a lone parent and one of my children is disabled. I just can’t simply keep coming down every 3 weeks. But my brother seems to expect that I take care of all her medical/care stuff. He doesn’t visit her, he sometimes brings her to his house. To be fair to him he’s really busy. I think he likes that she lives near him, and his wife berates me for not visiting enough! I find my brothers family increasingly demanding on me also. They also don’t really understand how ill our mum is now, she puts on a good front for them.

I had a really honest chat with my mum last year and said that I’d be really happy for her to come and live with me, I have the room and she could be surrounded by kids all day which she would love. She won’t move, which is fair enough her decision. But I did say that if she continued to need people to go to appointments with her etc I can’t keep coming down.

But in practice I’ve found this really hard. She ends up in situations where if she goes to the doctors alone she forgets what they’ve said, or says she’s fine etc and then talks to me later in a real state - so I end up rebooking and going with her myself. In reality there is no one to take care of my mums needs, but I cant’ do this from 300 miles away! What on earth do I do.

My brother is impossible to talk to, he just makes me feel even more guilty, he even got mad with me about doing the power of attorney as it ‘wasn’t done in the right way’ and doesn’t think she needs a cleaner. He would take it very personally that I even asked my mum to live with me, as if I was taking her away from where she loves.

Second the PP who said that Age UK are extremely helpful - they came in 2-3 times a week in the interim between my Dad needing proper assistance and going into a home, and when Mum was terminally ill they came in four times a day to help. They are great.

I agree with having your own mini crisis that prevents you from helping for a little while. Your DB will either step up, or a change will be forced. Things have to be allowed to fail (in a controlled way) before you reach breaking point and/or a really major crisis happens.

If your mother won't move and you can't move, then, as I see it, there are three options: 1 - your brother looks after day to day care; 2 - paid for care at home; or 3 - some form of assisted living accommodation is found for her.

Has she had a needs assessment by Adult Social Services? If not, this should be put in place ASAP. Does she receive all the benefits she is entitled to? Can I suggest you join the Mobilise FB group, you will receive help and support on there for the best way to proceed.

Contact the local social services department appropriate to where your Mum lives and explain the situation; tell them that you're your Mum's sole carer with power of attorney but live hundreds of miles away so can no longer take responsibility for her care. Ask for an urgent Needs Assessment for your Mum and leave the ball in their court.

It's about time your brother took over some of the more routine parts of caring for your Mum (taking her to appointments, etc) but maybe he's the old-fashioned type who believes that caring for parents is a woman's job?

She is adamant that she doesn’t need daily care, and with cleaners paid for with Attendance Allowance she just about manages - just. I think she’d tell social work she’s managing, but maybe I can phone someone and just talk it through, as in winter she will get worse and one day she will wake up and not be able to get downstairs or make food if she gets an infection. Need to think ahead.

One thing you can do to cover your own back is insist your brother keep in contact with you by email, so you have everything he demands in writing. If he refuses then give him a number connected to an answerphone and record him.

Why do the brothers/sons seem to always get away with this? My MIL has this with her mum and her two brothers do barely anything, even though one of them lives 10 minutes away. If her brothers do even the tiniest little thing it’s praised to high heaven but MIL never gets any praise and it’s just expected. I get cross seeing it.

You need to stop being a doormat. Since your mother refuses to move, she is making the decision that her daughter, who is 300 miles away, will not be able to help much and that she will need to get cleaners, home health aides, etc. SHE is the one making that decision by refusing to move. You need to make that very clear.

They are using your mother's health to try to manipulate you into moving back. Don't fall for it.

I agree with @unsync - try to get your mum to agree to a social care assessment as that will be really helpful. It means she would be on the radar of social services. The GP can refer people for an assessment but your mum would need to agree to being assessed but if you put it to her that it is to see what help she might need/be entitled to in the future she might agree.

I would also suggest going on to the Elderly Parents thread on this site - it was a life saver to me as there are lots of people in the same situation and its a good source of support.
Also recommend Age UK and finding your mum some support networks locally.

You should not feel guilty - you are doing all you can and have responsibilities to your own children/family. To care for anyone else you need to care for yourself -its a bit like in an airplane when they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first before you try to help anyone else.

You do need to be firm with your brother and set out clearly what the situation is. Sometimes people who are close by don't see the gradual deterioration. Sometimes they don't want to see it or accept it.

I would suggest writing or emailing to your brother and laying out what you do, what needs to be done and the limits to what you are able to do. Think of a couple of emergency scenarios and ask him to detail exactly how these will be dealt with especially if you are unable to drop everything and come. This might concentrate his mind. It might also help you if you have a plan in your own head for certain scenarios.

I found this worked very well with my dsis who was all "oh I'll come whenever I'm needed - i'll drop everything and jump on a plane". I pointed out that she herself might be unwell, unable to travel or be needed by her own children. (This was pre pandemic which would have added a whole other level of complication).

Definitely get permission for the GP to talk directly to you also.

Good luck

She will have to have little to no assets to qualify for social care - they will simply refer her to private care agencies.

I have found that a referral for an assessment opens up contact to Occupational Health and Physio and they can suggest adaptations to make life easier - even things like grab rails. In many respects it encourages the elderly person to think of what is becoming difficult and how they can retain their independence.

My thoughts exactly

I've lost both my parents and we are currently now having to start much more support for my husband's.....you have had lots of advice here but I would add please try and buy the time to spend time with your Mum. I know you do but it is - when you live away - so easy for all the time to be transactional. Try and only take on half the load. Your Mum has made your brother next of kin at the GP so let him do that bit. You deserve to enjoy some time with your Mum. You have offered to look after her more and she has capacity and doesn't want that so don't do more that suits. Stay strong and take care of you too.

Your brother is a useless twat. I sympathise, as dh's brother was just the same. He lived with dh's mum yet did fuck all to help her, not even shopping or cleaning the house. Useless bastard.

Anyway, will read the thread and try to post something helpful.

I don’t suppose your mum would move to a smaller place close to you? Honestly I’d hate to live in a house with kids and if my daughter offered me that, I’d decline, but I’d move close by if I had my own living space.

Your brother doesn’t have a clue so it might be time he got one! However, I don’t honestly believe someone like him is going to change. I’ve seen and heard this story a million times.

Easier said than done, but don’t feel guilty. You’ve done well until now, but if your mum won’t budge and your brother refuses to help more, then you’re going to have to let them both feel the consequences.

To be fair to him he’s really busy.

This stood out to me. Remember, you're really busy too, plus you're a lone parent.

Your brother's "busyness" does not trump yours and you should not feel guilty for asking for more help from him.

I too am concerned that he might be critical of your mum's spending. Has he questioned anything else related to financial decisions you or your mum have made?

You really need to have an honest talk with your brother to come to with an equal way of doing things. Maybe his wife could nudge him??

It's not fair that you're doing everything. Why should you?

Make your brother discuss things like an adult and stop being a dick.

I would be tempted to tell your brother, you've been thinking about it and yes your mum does need more help.

Then ask him for money.

Unfortunately you can't afford to be there more with work and all. And the travelling is getting expensive.

So can he cover your wages so you can take an unpaid leave of absence from work?

Oh and you and your child will be staying with him and his wife for the meantime so you can be close at hand if your mother needs you. That will be more convenient than staying with your mother since they will both be on hand to babysit your child while you take her to appointments.

Hopefully if you suggest this, he'll start being more reasonable in thinking about actual solutions.

Either she moves, or you move, or her care can't be down to you- it just can't. This means that your mum's life may be shorter or less pleasant than it otherwise might be, and you'll have to accept that was her choice.

I would strongly advise you to think very carefully before you consider moving closer to her.

It is perhaps time that you stand up to your brother. It seems like he gets to say who should do what. Why should you be doing everything? You need to stop so he can step up.

I’d be ‘breaking my ankle’ and unable to drive or take public transport for 6 weeks. Might focus everyone’s minds.

Surely the conversation goes ‘I’d love to do x for you, but I’m too far away to come up this week, could db do x?’
And you feel zero guilt because you simply have to look after yourself so you can continue to be there for your kids who really don’t have an alternative carer, unlike your mum who has your brother and the option of moving in with you.

Can you have a family meeting? You, brother and mum.
This is just not sustainable over a longer period of time or when she starts to need even more care.
There needs to be sensible discussions about options for the future.
Your brother needs to be doing more - irrespective of how "busy" he is. He should be going to the medical appointments with her. I don't see why you should have to drive 300 miles so she can go to the GP.
If he does not want to do more or is not able to, then she'll need carers coming in at some point.
Or she needs to move to be nearer to you.

There are several possibilities but the only thing that is not possible is you continuing to travel 300 miles to deal with all kinds of small issues.
She doesn't even sound that bad at the moment. It's minor things basically. What happens when she gradually needs more help or if she tripped next week and broke her leg? What would be in place then?
You can't be called on to deal with every single thing that happens.

Well yes, interesting that.
I have recently had a minor operation but it has meant that I will be out of action for a couple of weeks yet.
Can't believe how some people have gone on at me because for the first time in my life I've had to have medical treatment (I'm very robust actually and haven't had a day off sick in 20 years).
But yeah, as the weeks have passed people have started to magically find some solutions rather than "Get Gjendefloooo to do it"

Clearly she has some cognitive issues, going by your comments regarding seeing the GP.
Moving house when you have cognitive issues can be terribly distressing, and I imagine OP would have to do everything to facilitate any move if DBro is not fully on board. That ship may have sailed, unless it's a final move to 24h care or a move to sheltered accommodation locally.
Does she have a falls alarm? Alternatively there are simple mobile phones with a big panic button on the back, which may work out cheaper, if she'd be able to cope with the technology.
Is there a key safe outside?
Are there 2 rails on the stairs?
Is it worth asking the GP for a referral to community occupational therapist to see if any independence-boosting aids would help at home?
Care package would be good, even if only once per day, to make sure she's up and about and has taken any meds.

OP, you need to step back, for your own sanity.
DBro needs to step up.