To scale back care to elderly mum as I can’t keep travelling 300 miles

[AutumnSalad]

I love my mum and she is a fantastic Granny to my 3 daughters. She’s 78 but because of a lung disease she is very frail and is finding a lot of things really difficult, she can’t walk to the shops, she just about manages in the house but gets very tired. She lives on her own.

My problem is that she lives in the same town as my brother, and they both expect me to do the majority of the care. I can do loads remotely, I do all her appointments, medications, online shopping. I’ve battled her pride to get her a cleaner, gardener and Attendance Allowance. I’ve set up power of attorney. I speak to her for an hour every single day. And I’ve visited every 3 weeks or so, sometimes just to interview the cleaner with her, or go to the Doctors with her.

I don’t mind doing stuff for her but it’s unsustainable, I am a lone parent and one of my children is disabled. I just can’t simply keep coming down every 3 weeks. But my brother seems to expect that I take care of all her medical/care stuff. He doesn’t visit her, he sometimes brings her to his house. To be fair to him he’s really busy. I think he likes that she lives near him, and his wife berates me for not visiting enough! I find my brothers family increasingly demanding on me also. They also don’t really understand how ill our mum is now, she puts on a good front for them.

I had a really honest chat with my mum last year and said that I’d be really happy for her to come and live with me, I have the room and she could be surrounded by kids all day which she would love. She won’t move, which is fair enough her decision. But I did say that if she continued to need people to go to appointments with her etc I can’t keep coming down.

But in practice I’ve found this really hard. She ends up in situations where if she goes to the doctors alone she forgets what they’ve said, or says she’s fine etc and then talks to me later in a real state - so I end up rebooking and going with her myself. In reality there is no one to take care of my mums needs, but I cant’ do this from 300 miles away! What on earth do I do.

My brother is impossible to talk to, he just makes me feel even more guilty, he even got mad with me about doing the power of attorney as it ‘wasn’t done in the right way’ and doesn’t think she needs a cleaner. He would take it very personally that I even asked my mum to live with me, as if I was taking her away from where she loves.

You also have a disabled child who needs you & this is what you should remind your selfish dB & sil the next time they have a go.

Posted too early. The next time they have a go at you, ask them what exactly is it they do. You are caring for 2 people with additional social care needs & travelling 300 miles to do so.

Why would she love to move in with him

But not with you ?

Your brother and wife need to do more as they are local

Yes you can be a contact at the gp. Just needs a form filling in saying that you have her permission for doctor to speak to you /know her personal details /records

Agree with others that you might have to be out of action for a few weeks and see if browner steps up /releises what you do

Your DM may have reservations about moving in with you and losing all her independence with no way back, and she’d be right. Also bear in mind you would have to be dealing with your DB and SIL’s judgement and interference in your own home. Believe me, it will not make things better for you and it’s a very difficult decision to reverse.

Moving her in with you is not the answer, but she needs to move nearer to you. I would be looking into sheltered housing options in your area, and maybe researching social activities for older people similar to what she would be doing where she is now.

Age UK are very helpful and I would be looking at what they can offer, whether she moves or stays put.

As to your DM being adamant she won’t move, I can tell you with the benefit of some experience in this area that it is extremely common for older people to move away from the place they have lived all their lives to be near family. Once people realise they are becoming vulnerable, the sensible ones recognise it’s a sacrifice they have to make.

Omg this makes me so angry.
You are bloody busy too. On your own.
Your brother is lazy. But as the golden child he sees that as the way it should be, and seemingly your mother agrees.

Switch comms to email with your brother.
Make a list of all the things that needs doing.

Then go sick for a week. Not possible to drive. Your mum will manage 1 week and your brother needs a kick up the arse.

What is his end point? You just keep going and going until you break?
No. You have to make things change. And now.

Make sure your mum has power of attorney sorted out financial and medical ASAP. Then jointly tell gp surgery this is the case and can they keep you in the loop as she forgets sometimes .You can also be a signiguary at their bank again with her permission. Helped with my fil hugely.
Then I'm afraid you need to go on holiday be unavailable for a fortnight. And your brother is in charge
Obviously make sure shopping etc is in.place as usual .
Then you have to take a deep breath and relax.
Then speak to your brother and mother about what you can do remotely and how often you can visit due to your families needs .
Please look after yourself as long term this is in your mum's interests.
Don't take on the load cos your the woman . My husband did everything your doing for his dad as he worked in the same town .

This was my granny who wouldn't move then in her 80s had a fall and went to hospital and they would only discharge her into full time care she ended up in a home as she wouldn't move in with her kids and was really unhappy there

You need to talk with your brother about stepping up more AND more practically does your mum have a phone - can she call you during doc apts to help her remember? Is there a local help the aged that might have volunteers to help her? Any social groups for old people?

Thanks so much for all the advice again.

I had thought that I perhaps just should get on with it, I did choose to move for various reasons and that’s not my mums or brothers faults. But I really didn’t think that it would be this hard, I thought that at least my brother might recognise my Mums needs and we could work together. I also honestly expected SIL to be more supportive, my mum did absolutely loads of childcare for their kids. And in response to a poster, yes I do think my brother visits my mum sometimes, but it’s mainly that they take her to their house. Just to illustrate my Mum had a broken panel in a door for 3 months and DB didn’t notice it because he doesn’t go in and sit down, it’s more like quick in and out.

I don’t know why my Mum would love to move in with her son but not me! I have the better house set up, she could live all on the ground floor, and she loves my kids. We get on really well also. She always has been someone who follows a man though, her husband was the clear leader. Perhaps that is it.

Your brother sounds like a real piece of work and I'm sorry to say that your mum is being really selfish. You've offered a good solution but she is insisting on staying put which is making your life so much harder. I'd tell her this in no uncertain terms.

@Mirabai they might try to fob you off like that, but the LA has a legal duty to arrange care if you meet the eligible needs criteria. In our LA there's a £400 admin fee for arranging care if you've got savings over threshold. The care assessment itself is free as it's illegal to charge for that.

The reality is councils don’t have the inclination or the resources to arrange private care. It’s not hard to ring up private care agencies.

They arranged mum's and we pay a lower rate with a lower minimum visit time. Mum only needs someone to pop in briefly each day to check she is OK and check there is no rancid food in the fridge as none of us live locally. If we arranged it privately the minimum daily would be 45 minutes and we'd pay a higher rate per hour. We pay £10 a month admin fee. In reality we deal directly with the agency but billing is via the council. It saves mum a lot of money.

It's doubtful she'd meet criteria for needing totally free care if she's over the savings threshold. (Don't ask me what the criteria are, I'm not too sure, but it's MORE than needing help with washing, dressing, housework, and meds. It's about needing 24h NURSING care)
She can still get care sourced by local authority, but will need to partially or totally fund it herself.
If she has capacity, then now is time to set up a POA.
If she has capacity no-one can force her to do anything.

But you can encourage, by stepping back and letting her fail to manage at home, hard as it is.

Your mother doesn’t want to move in with you because she will never see your brother again if she does.

He won’t bother his hole doing that journey to your house, he doesn’t even bother and she is down the road now.

Have you an Employee Assistance Programme or access to counselling through work? If so, have a few sessions with them, even over the phone and get your head straight about the plan.
You are not your mothers spouse, or her carer, you are her child.
You moved away, that’s not a sin, stop feeling guilty and stop running around for everyone by way of apology, who will look after your child if you collapse?

Im telling you, I have loads of experience with old and difficult relatives, they will use you and refuse help until you fall down with exhaustion and stress, and then will move in to the next person.

They just want what they want, like toddlers and you will have to force yourself to pull back or you will be trampled all over.

Stay at home, and let what has been hidden, become visible.

It’s the only way, good luck x

I never thought of that, she won't see her son if she moves in with me, well he would probably make the effort but once a year. With me I chat to her every day wherever she is, so you know in a way it makes sense. What is a bit of a shame is that my brother does quite a lot for his wife's family. My mum asks for nothing, ever. This whole situation makes me quite sad really.

OP your mum thinks that caring for a parent is a daughter's work. She has raised you and your brother to think the same.
That's why she ecowas you to help her.
That's why you do.
That's why your brother doesn't but does help out with his wife's family.

You are all just acting out the roles you've been given.

It's also because I talk with her, go into her home and she's more open with me, my brother never chats with her. I want to enjoy being with her more.

I've just got my brother to take her to her Flu jab, so that's a start. It was a pain though, I told my mum I couldn't come down to take her. She then asked my brother, who said No. I asked my mum if it was sorted, she was sheepish and just said she'd have to try and change the date, as I checked and even the voluntary charity drivers couldn't do it (she can't get a taxi as she needs a wheelchair).

So I phoned back the surgery, and they said it would be 6 weeks before a new date, and with my mums vulnerabilities she really should come in on the date. So I just told my brother and my mum what they said, and that it was very important. Suddenly my brother can make it...

Makes me angry though, when my brother said No - how did he think Mum was going to get her flu jab? Did he not at least try and sort out an alternative? No, I had to do that. And then being able to do it, he can't have had anything that important on. His own mother, for the first time in a while I'm quite cross, she's so frail and just needs a bit of support, not even a lot really.

Hi Op I think maybe your mum might think she wants to move in with your brother rather than you simply because he lives in her local area. Some old people feel very tied to the location they know and are afraid to move to another part of the country because they worry they won’t get to know it and might not feel comfortable there. So I don’t think she’s preferring your brother to you, it’s more she wants to stay in her home area.
I understand you are concerned about how your mum is going to manage and you feel responsible for helping her. But you absolutely must prioritise your children’s well-being and your own life. Your mother has had a long life and is still making her own choices, whether they be right or wrong. Do not uproot your own family in order to help her.

Yes I've really got to prioritise my own family, thanks everyone for making me see this a bit clearer. My daughters have a lot of needs between them, and I'm their main parent. It's a lot to juggle and I don't have a husband who can take up the slack.

Yes there may be many reasons that my Mum doesn't want to move, although it's not her home town and she doesn't have many ties anymore apart from my brother.

I KNEW before I opened this there’d be a useless local brother. I’m so utterly sick of seeing women being expected to carry the fucking care burden

I agree with @3luckystars - sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I suspect your mum is living in hope that your brother will step up but he won't. You need to prioritise yourself and your children.

I would keep suggesting to your mum that she come live with you if this is what you genuinely want. I did move my mum closer to me and it made life much easier as I could pop in for half an hour more frequently which made it all much less intense. She had resisted moving as she knew it would upset dsis ( who lives abroad) but it did get to a crisis point and she herself realised things couldn't continue as they were.

Good luck