My mum still talks to my abuser

[cantstopeating1]

Just that really. I’ve always known but yesterday killed me when I called my home and dad picked up to tell me where she is. I called her on mobile but she didn’t tell me she was there, I didn’t let her know.

AIBU? Its a cousin (her sisters son). I was between ages of 8-10 when it happened. He admitted it years ago. I don’t want to binge today but this is making me upset.

m just for context he was 20 when it started and 22 when it finished.

Fucking hell if someone did that to my child I would only be meeting them to put them in the ground

That is really hard and I’m guessing you’re feeling betrayed/unsupported/disrespected and more which is not ok. Your feelings are valid and you should be really proud of yourself for realising what those feelings might lead to and how that will make you feel extra worse after. You also know you need help to navigate these feelings - all that is amazing progress and you should feel so proud of yourself.

Do you have a counsellor you could call or text? Would an online metal health chat service or calling the Samaritans be an option? Are there friends locally you could be with or at least be in contact with during the “dangerous” period while you regulate your emotions? Can you do a nice thing for yourself today to help refocus or go somewhere it would be difficult to eat loads (library/museum etc.)

You may not feel like it but you are doing awesome and you’re taking care of yourself! Be proud!

Firstly HUGS!

What an absolutely horrific experience you've had. Was this reported to the police? You have said he admitted a while back? If not, I think this is perhaps a step to consider.

As for your mother, I would absolutely be arranging a conversation with her. She needs to understand how this understandably affects and upsets you. What is the reason for her having such close (or any contact) with a man (family or not) who has admitted the appalling abuse of her child.

Personally, if she cannot see the reason this is highly damaging and inappropriate, I'd be severing my ties.

You do not need a constant reminder of this. That those responsible for loving and protecting you above all are still in contact with such an indecent, unworthy human.

Sending you love and strength OP 💖 xx

Yep, I’d be going NC if she chooses to see him.

I’m so sorry he did that to you. Have you considered reporting to the police, if you haven’t already?

I'm sorry for this most awful betrayal you've had, in top of having suffered abuse. I can't imagine how your mother thinks she's being reasonable.

I doubt I'd be able to continue a relationship if I were in your position.

I hope you have people to talk to IRL who can help you and/or help her see sense. 💐

Bloody hell OP that’s awful! Did your parents believe you?

I'm so sorry. I could have written this myself.

I deffo had to distance myself from my mother (she ignored alot of abuse, not just from my dad but my cousin also). I call her every now and then for a catch-up and go 'home' for a day once every few months.

What you need to do is protect YOU. Do not worry about her feelings; she isn't considering yours.

Huge sympathies, OP. My mother did similar — she sees me as an aspect of herself, therefore thinks I’m not important, and should ‘forgive and forget.’ I was nine, and the abuser, an adult, is long dead.

I dealt with it in therapy.

Ignore the posters telling you that you must report him - thats completely your decision and his behaviour is not your responsibility.

I'm in a similar situation, OP. My abuser was given £50k by my mother. And she sees him every month. She knows about the abuse and believes me, but she decided to block it out regarding her relationship with him.

It's very hurtful but over the years it does get better.

I'm so sorry Op. Would you speak to her about it when you're feeling a bit calmer? The fact that she's hiding it from you suggests she feels guilty about it. Whatever her rationale, I'd let her hear how you feel about it (whatever you decide to do after that).

Have you got any coping strategies for binging? Anyone who can help support you while it all feels so raw?
Sending you hugs

My abuser visited my father not long after he got out of prison. My father welcomed him in & had a 'nice chat' & cup of tea with him. His defence was that my abuser hadn't done anything to him so he had no argument with him. Immediate NC & he's dead now, good riddance.

Sometimes sides need to be chosen, sitting on the fence & trying to remain neutral helps the abuser. I'd give her 1 chance to explain herself & change her behaviour then take decisive action if she refuses to stop invalidating your horrific experience.

It is very wrong.

What if OP feels (understandably) unable to report it? Then those posters will no doubt be causing further shame and guilt onto what's an already traumatic situation.

If the abuser offends again, that's not the OP's fault and it's implying that it is.

cantstopeating1
I'm guessing you want to binge to numb the pain and/or punish yourself. I think that's a normal reaction - we have multiple ways of doing it, yours is eating.

I'm not going to tell you not to. You do what you want, because it's your body and you are in charge of what you do with it - I don't mean that manipulatively. I ate 8000 calories a couple of days ago, then I carried on. I'm not judging.

The thing is the one person in this scenario who doesn't deserve to be punished is you. The one person who doesn't deserve to be hurt is you too.

You can't change your mother's behaviour. You can't change what happened to you. You can change some things though. You don't need to be in contact with anybody who spends time with your abuser. You have that choice. You have that right. You may think "But she's my mother". You're half-right: she birthed you and she raised you. Yes. But mothers are supposed to protect their children. Fiercely. Mothers are also not supposed to harm their children (like staying in contact with their DD's abuser). It goes against every fibre of actually being a mother.

What many people who have mothers who do despicable things (what she's done is despicable, in case you think that's OTT) to them crave is a combination of their "mother's" acceptance, their "mother's" admittance of guilt, feeling wanted by them, a heartfelt apology and/or for their "mother" to be the person they wish she was. I don't know if any fits you, but if so, welcome to this part of Normal!

Binge or don't, but look at it longer term. It's ok to not have a "mother" who has carried out one of the deepest betrayals imaginable to their daughter in your life at all. It's ok to reduce interactions with her to the minimum. Sometimes our mothers genuinely don't know when bad things happen to us, but when they find out they leap into action, they apologise to their daughters for not knowing and not protecting them; they don't spend time with the abuser.

Take care of yourself. You don't have a mother who takes care of you, so you need to step in to that empty place. Protect yourself from people who harm you. It's not mean, it's not rude, it's not ungrateful, it's lifesaving. You're allowed not to have people who repeatedly hurt you in your life. More than that, you deserve it.

I'm sending you a massive, massive hug. And a hand hold for the rest of the day.

In an ideal world, every victim would be able to speak out...

Only, it's kinder to understand that each situation can be complicated and can re-traumatise an individual, some have no support system, or are met with negativity, or fear the real life consequences/repercussions.

Should every abuser be held accountable and face justice? God yes. I really wish it was that simple.

My heart goes out to anyone who has suffered abuse and there's no judgement from me regards the victim deciding to report or not, that's all.

I would need to speak to her, tell her exactly how it makes you feel and them make your decision on how she responds. I would feel as if she didn't believe me.

Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with people who love and care for you.

Thank you everyone. It’s so lovely you have taken time out of your day to reply to me. I feel a little better reading the comments. I tried to talk to my sister today and she said not to judge my mother and try to understand her pint of view. That makes me feel really crap. This is the sane sister who was annoyed she can no longer spend Christmas in that aunties home!

@cantstopeating1
Well done for posting here and asking for support. That's an incredible step.

I know how hard it is to cope with binging, and all I can say is that you must be an incredibly strong person to survive what you have.

Remember that! Love and good wishes xx

Does you mum know exactly what went on?
Your sister is wrong and you don't have to think of anyone's point of view.

I'm so sorry it feels like no one is angry on your behalf.

Have you anyone outside your family you can speak to? Your sister is so wrong. Of course you can and should judge your mother and now sadly also your sister. As a previous poster said your mother is supposed to protect you and not punish you further. Your sister also follows the same line. Please take some time to process their actions and reactions. Certainly not the behaviour of people who care about your well being.

Put yourself first in this, detach from those who are enabling an abuser. Their behaviour and attitudes are wrong and don't let them browbeat you into thinking otherwise. They are continuing the cycle by their actions and words.