My mum still talks to my abuser

[cantstopeating1]

Just that really. I’ve always known but yesterday killed me when I called my home and dad picked up to tell me where she is. I called her on mobile but she didn’t tell me she was there, I didn’t let her know.

AIBU? Its a cousin (her sisters son). I was between ages of 8-10 when it happened. He admitted it years ago. I don’t want to binge today but this is making me upset.

m just for context he was 20 when it started and 22 when it finished.

That's not OK OP. She's not normal.

@Merandder My abuser was given £50k by my mother. And she sees him every month.

She f*ing what? 😱How can she live with herself having done that? Are you NC with her!

The only place he deserves to be is 6ft under. I'm so sorry OP. Personally, I couldn't go back to a relationship with her after this. I would consider going low or no contact with her..

When I did tell them and he admitted it also, my mum was more concerned he would kill himself. I was 20 when I told her. There was no talk of how I’m doing. She told me that Aunty had to keep checking on him incase he killed himself.

my sister also said “silence is the best answer to make people keep wondering what we’re thinking” in other words my mum and sister said nothing to them when they found out. There was no anger, no upset. Life seemed to just go on for everyone.

My dad did get angry and called him up at the time I told them.

What is wrong with her? If that was my child's abuser I'd be ending him not going round for a nice chat!!!

Me again.

Once again, I could have been writing all of your updates.

It sounds to me like your Mum may have known it was happening.

My Mum defended my cousin with ounce of everything she had - even after he admitted what he did. That was until he turned on her.

You poor woman.

What an utter waste of space your mother is.

Bloody hell.

OP, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. All I can say is that you deserve far, far better than this from your family, particularly your mother, who is behaving appallingly.

It's astonishing that people can maintain family ties with someone who has admitted to abusing ANY child, let alone their own daughter. You were eight years old, FFS. I'm so, so sorry and at the very least, I hope you can get some help in the form of appropriate therapy or counselling. Lots of love to you.

I think that if I were in your situation, I would be considering stopping all contact with my mother and sister, permanently. It just sounds as if being around your immediate family is doing you more harm than good.

I do completely understand that it's probably a lot more complicated than that, though.

@Dinojump im so sorry this happened to you too x

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s a huge betrayal from the person who is supposed to keep you safe and a betrayal from your sister. You would be well within your rights to cut contact. That said I wonder if there is anything in your mum’s background that would limit her ability to see how serious this abuse was and the impact it’s had on you. I don’t say that to make excuses for her, only because it might bring you comfort if it helps to better understand how she responded. I also wonder if you’ve worked with any kind of specialist charity to get support?

I have been in a similar issue (binge eating included) except the abuser was my father and my mother stayed married to him. I can now see that she is a victim also (he was abusive to her too, physically, sexually, emotionally) but that hasn't made it hurt any less. She often invalidated what happened and minimised it .

I haven't RTFT, so apologies, but I'm wondering if you have someone you can talk to about this ? I'm having trauma based therapy at the moment and it's great to have someone to validate the feelings and also techniques to help distract myself from bingeing. I have diagnose s linked to my bingeing, not only BED, but BPD and CPTSD, and I have found Dialectical Behaviour Therapy very helpful I was able to access this on the NHS due to BP D diagnosis, but there are internet sites that can help you with some of the technique to help with self destructive behaviours including binge eating (which is a form of both self comfort and self harm essentially). At the same time though you need someone to talk to about this and to help guide you through healing.

Sending kind thoughts to you.

OP, these people aren't your family. I'd go NC with all them. I find it extremely disgusting.

What point of view?

It's a nephew

Why the hell can't she cut him out?

But clearly she's not the only one who doesn't see how it's unacceptable to have anything to do with him

Have you/are you seeing a counsellor to help you?

Is she meeting her sister or her nephew specifically? If she was visiting her sister and her nephew happened to be there it's different to directly visiting her nephew. I'd not speak to her again. I hope the police were called and it wasn't just brushed under the carpet. If they weren't called at the time you could still report it now, especially if he has confessed.

OP I am so sorry (been there, got the Tshirt, as they say)
IMO many many people put themselves first & do whatever is easier for them.
In this case (as is often the case) your Mother & sister are doing what 'rocks the boat' least. Just as my Mother (& therefore the rest of my family) did.

I think there are 2 things to seek support for: 1 is the actual abuse. 2 is the highly traumatising reaction by the person who gave you life & is supposed to care.

I too have had problems with my weight due to 'eating' my anger / depression.
(I went to the Police, they were awful & it made things infinately worse for me)

I hope you can access some RL support whilst you work out if what you get from continuing this 'relationship' is worth the distress caused by such awful behaviour. Sending solidarity to you xxx

Honestly I'd expect OP's mum to cut ties with her sister too.

This happened to me from 13- 15 by an older male cousin. I eventually got the courage to tell my parents and they believed me. We went to the police and after a while it came out he was also abusing one of his sister's. Everyone stuck together and he ended up doing a prison sentence. But I'm lucky our family and extended all support each other well. He's now out of prison and nobody knows where he went and if we did we wouldn't want anything to do with him anyhow

My uncle (Mother’s brother) abused me between the ages of 6-16. I told her when I was 19. I remember her reaction vividly. She left for work and eventually arranged counselling for herself.

She and the rest of my family maintained contact. I had to request his photo’s be removed from the house. I was made to invite him to my wedding as my grandparents would question his absence. He’s in my wedding photos. He was invited to all other family celebrations until I had my first child and found the strength to say enough.

Dealing with the abuse is hard but dealing with the insane reaction from family is the thing I struggle most with. It impacts more the older I get.

I do suspect my Mum was abused in her childhood but it doesn’t make her lack of reaction any easier. I would move mountains to protect my daughter so i default to the thought that I just wasn’t worth it.

Please realise that your Mum’s reaction is not normal OP. You’ve been let down by those who are meant to protect you. You are worth rocking the boat for and so much more.

Jesus, there is something fundamentally wrong with your mother.
I absolutely would cut her out of my life, she is almost as bad as him just for going along with the silly charade that everything is 'normal'.