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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why does this lovely mom want to be MY friend?

61 replies

Millenialmom · 15/09/2023 00:05

No drip feed, I have general and social anxiety, recovering from an ED and body dysmorphia, am just not very good making friends.

my DD went to a nice primary and is now y8 secondary. Got on okay with moms to talk to at gates etc but never socialised outside of school run/play dates/parties.

fast forward DS is now starting at the same primary and DD is y8 at new secondary with most of her primary friends.

One of the moms I’ve know since DDs reception (so 8 years) never socialised with is now suggesting coffee meets, popping into hers after school run, texting me asking how DS’s first day went and chit chat. Generally being interested and lovely.

i just can’t fathom why she wants to be my friend. She is gorgeous, kind, confident, friendly, down to earth, a wonderful mom of 3. But not the over the top PTA mom either. The mom I’ve always envied actually and even mentioned her in my therapy.

AIBU to put off a coffee meet and wonder why she would want that? She must have so many mom friends and her own friendship circle.

Side note I’ve helped out with picking her DD up from secondary but usually spur of the moment not pre planned. The girls meet for swimming and socialising etc. Have shared lifts for trips etc so one picks up one drops off and she was super helpful in that sense when DS was Born poorly With taking my DD to parties and helping out etc.

I just can’t wrap my head around someone so above me wanting to be my friend basically. Yes. I know I’m over thinking but can someone make it make sense for me?!

OP posts:

Flipbopboop · 15/09/2023 00:08

Maybe you don't see your worth but she does. She's reaching out, she wants to know you better.

Original poster

Millenialmom · 15/09/2023 00:09

Whist thought it’s relevant she has a son in the same primary my DS just started but hers is y3. They’re a lovely family.

OP posts:

BonjourCrisette · 15/09/2023 00:11

Um, maybe she likes you?

Original poster

Millenialmom · 15/09/2023 00:17

This is what I have trouble with. I know it sounds very silly but she is a wonderful ‘popular’ person so why would she bother with me? Why seek me out when I know she has a great circle of friends and mom friends already

OP posts:

IneedcoffeeinanIV22 · 15/09/2023 00:30

She must see in you more than you can. I have a friend that sounds very similar to you. Always puts herself down, uses humour as a defence mechanism and just all round thinks she's a piece of crap. I however think she's one of the best people I've ever met. This lady obviously thinks highly of you, and even though it'll be hard to stop thinking negatively. You should go for the coffee, if you don't enjoy yourself then don't go again, but at least you've tried and won't best yourself up about it 🩷

HerAvatar · 15/09/2023 00:32

She isn't 'above' you OP, I bet she doesn't see it like that. This actually happened to me as a teenager though, a girl I vaguely knew who was part of the 'popular group' at school (which I very definitely wasn't!) just randomly knocked on my door one day after school and asked if I fancied a walk. We were best friends from that day on and she never could properly explain why she knocked my door that day, just that she knew we were meant to be friends, which we still are at nearly 50 I hate to think how much I would have missed if I'd said no that day, my life was (and is) infinitely better with her in it so obviously I think you should take this mum up on her offers, what have you got to lose really?

Original poster

Millenialmom · 15/09/2023 00:37

Thank you ladies. It’s just a new occurrence for me. I know I’m not a horrible person and I’m a decent mom I am just a bit shocked after I put her off the first time she called and messaged to find a time that suited me so I knew she meant it. I’ll try to overcome my anxiety on the day and just go for a cuppa. Thank you again x

OP posts:

lauraisa · 15/09/2023 00:37

It sounds like you guys actually have a lot in common and she may very well be lonely and seeking new friends! Give it a shot :)

Superhanz · 15/09/2023 00:41

Rabbie Burns -

'O wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us'

And there OP, is your answer.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 15/09/2023 00:42

She wants to be your friend because she likes you. She probably thinks you’re a really great person and would really like to get to know you better. Go for coffee, have a chat, make a friend. Life is always better for it and you’re more than your mental health or eating disorder

Screamingabdabz · 15/09/2023 00:45

Genuinely nice (not fake nice) people seek out other low key nice people because the fakers are exhausting. You are clearly as much a consistent and lovely person op.

Chickenkeev · 15/09/2023 00:46

She 'sees' you. Enjoy the company. Be glad of it.

OnToTheNextOneOntoTheNextOne · 15/09/2023 00:47

Maybe she likes you. Maybe she likes to get to know the parents of her daughter's friends to suss them out.

You'll never know until you go for coffee with her.

ImustLearn2Cook · 15/09/2023 00:47

‘I just can’t wrap my head around someone so above me wanting to be my friend basically.’

She probably doesn’t view herself as above you. Some people don’t view people as being superior or inferior, they just view people as people.

And some people don’t compare themselves to others.

It probably hasn’t even occurred to her that you view her as being above you.

Enjoy going out and having a coffee and getting to know her for who she actually is and not necessarily who you think she is.

HeatherMoores · 15/09/2023 00:54

why would she bother with me?

Maybe you’re a better quality person than you thought?

Pregnantandsweaty · 15/09/2023 00:57

If I were you I’d be honest, I feel the same as you but over the years I’ve realised being truthful helps me be more confident.

‘thank you so much for inviting me, I’d love to meet. Just to be honest sometimes my anxiety gets the better of me and I worry about meeting up. I wanted to tell you now incase I don’t feel great on the day and you’ll know why I might be a bit quiet!’

TheMountainsCall · 15/09/2023 01:30

Maybe you're actually a person worth having as a friend, interesting and she'd like to get to know you better? :-)

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 15/09/2023 01:40

Well I doubt that there are any bad ulterior motives. She has seen you around for a while and is being friendly. Nobody knows if a person is a good coffee friend match until they have a coffee date.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 15/09/2023 01:40

If she is genuinely lovely it is likely she has "known" you over a number of years, seen your value and wants to get to know you better.

Generally speaking there is a lot less socialising between parents of secondary school students and she's making sure you are one of the parents she stays in contact with because you're a good and kind person.

TaaLaa · 15/09/2023 07:59

Be kind to yourself op.
Xxx

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2023 08:06

Millenialmom · 15/09/2023 00:37

OP you really need to do some work on your self esteem.

You also need to understand that this isn’t how friendships work. People don’t only choose friends from their own “level” in the popularity rankings. They choose them for a huge range of psychological reasons. She may have ulterior motives, she may just like you. If it’s the former you will figure this out pretty quickly.

If you constantly approach friendships from the perspective of “is she in the same ‘class’ as me?” you are wilfully handicapping yourself by putting arbitrary boundaries in place.

Positive41 · 15/09/2023 08:30

Superhanz · 15/09/2023 00:41

Rabbie Burns -

'O wad some power the giftie gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us'

And there OP, is your answer.

Huh?!

HelpIsOnTheWay · 15/09/2023 08:33

I think it's because her kids like our kids.

HelpIsOnTheWay · 15/09/2023 08:35

your kids!

Gurthnamuckla · 15/09/2023 08:41

Positive41 · 15/09/2023 08:30

Huh?!

Show quote history

To have the magical power ‘to see ourselves as others see us’ — so the OP needs to recognise that in this case, the other woman has a higher opinion of her than she does of herself.

(Though it could be deeply wounding in other scenarios, obviously…)

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