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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does this lovely mom want to be MY friend?

61 replies

Millenialmom · 15/09/2023 00:05

No drip feed, I have general and social anxiety, recovering from an ED and body dysmorphia, am just not very good making friends.

my DD went to a nice primary and is now y8 secondary. Got on okay with moms to talk to at gates etc but never socialised outside of school run/play dates/parties.

fast forward DS is now starting at the same primary and DD is y8 at new secondary with most of her primary friends.

One of the moms I’ve know since DDs reception (so 8 years) never socialised with is now suggesting coffee meets, popping into hers after school run, texting me asking how DS’s first day went and chit chat. Generally being interested and lovely.

i just can’t fathom why she wants to be my friend. She is gorgeous, kind, confident, friendly, down to earth, a wonderful mom of 3. But not the over the top PTA mom either. The mom I’ve always envied actually and even mentioned her in my therapy.

AIBU to put off a coffee meet and wonder why she would want that? She must have so many mom friends and her own friendship circle.

Side note I’ve helped out with picking her DD up from secondary but usually spur of the moment not pre planned. The girls meet for swimming and socialising etc. Have shared lifts for trips etc so one picks up one drops off and she was super helpful in that sense when DS was Born poorly With taking my DD to parties and helping out etc.

I just can’t wrap my head around someone so above me wanting to be my friend basically. Yes. I know I’m over thinking but can someone make it make sense for me?!

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/09/2023 08:47

You deserve a nice friend! Don’t push her away. Don’t overthink it.

AlrightThen · 15/09/2023 09:23

If she wants to be your friend, that's great. I can't see anything wrong with it.

Your life sounds like you're managing really well with two children and the body perception thing. I'm quite a loser and I wouldn't be thinking why someone who may be more successful than I wants to talk to me occasionally. That's from a funny person though.

Sdpbody · 15/09/2023 10:12

Of topic, but please dont slag of "over the top PTA mums" . The OTT PTA mums are normally the ones working their arses off to host events, raise funds, welcome people etc, all whilst working and looking after their own kids. Just rude.

MotherofGorgons · 15/09/2023 10:14

Eh? It's because your DC get on.
You are probably interesting. Maybe you have common interests?

sockarefootwear · 15/09/2023 10:33

She probably sees the situation very differently- not as her being popular/socially 'above' you/'better' but as you being someone she likes and would like to spend time with.

When I was at University I was a rather awkward, insecure person and found myself sharing first year accommodation with 5 other people of which 2 were effortlessly cool, interesting, funny, popular etc (the opposite of how I saw myself). They seemed to want to spend time with me socially. I could never really work out why- even when we agreed to share a house together for the next 2 years I was baffled. Part of me thought that I would find out they were actually horrible people (the classic mean popular girls thing), or they'd make fun of me etc. I learned over time that they had their own worries and insecurities, and didn't see themselves as any different from me. They were just lovely people and we are still friends 30 years later.

Go for the coffee OP!

Nevermind202020 · 15/09/2023 10:38

Two thoughts come to mind:

  1. She thinks you could be friends because she likes the interactions you've had so far.
  2. She wants to get to know the parent(s) of her child(rens) friend(s) better, because they might be spending time with your child, or even come to your house/your children go to hers.
If you want to meet up with her do it, but don't assume you are in any way inferior to her, because you are not.
MotherofGorgons · 15/09/2023 10:41

I am an extrovert and don't have social anxiety. I wouldn't say I am popular or cool, but I have no trouble making friends. You are overthinking her thought process.

Extroverts like myself do not have a limit on friends, or pick them for their popularity. We just say hello to everyone and we like to meet up for coffee with everyone in an effort to know them better, or to get our DC together

We are not ranking you. Our heads are full of our own worries; CoL, stressful jobs, DC being rude or eating too much junk, climate change etc etc. Not to be mean, but we are not thinking about you that much!

Eyesofdisarray · 15/09/2023 10:41

Go for it OP
You must be nice too!

Dutch1e · 15/09/2023 10:56

You may just be likeable!

And it's possible she feels a kinship with you... perhaps she has also experienced difficulties with her self-esteem and knows how much a good friendship can make life a bit lighter.

Possimpible · 15/09/2023 10:59

Nevermind202020 · 15/09/2023 10:38

Two thoughts come to mind:

  1. She thinks you could be friends because she likes the interactions you've had so far.
  2. She wants to get to know the parent(s) of her child(rens) friend(s) better, because they might be spending time with your child, or even come to your house/your children go to hers.
If you want to meet up with her do it, but don't assume you are in any way inferior to her, because you are not.

This, but also option 3 - could her DD be having friendship problems and she's trying to build the friendship between her DD and yours? I don't say this to knock your confidence OP, chances are she is happy to have a chat with you, but it might be a (not unpleasant) ulterior motive

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 15/09/2023 11:00

I am sure going off your posts you reminded lovely op. But I was similarly singled out. Even accosted in Asda by a school dm determined to be my friend.. Sadly it wasn't me she wanted but my 2 dd's to play with her only dc... Oh and also lifts as she was disabled and her dh used her mobility car for college.... I don't do more than a quick chat at the gates these days.. Never again.

GingerIsBest · 15/09/2023 11:18

Lovely popular people are often lovely popular people because they are nice people who are genuinely interested in other people etc.

My sister has always been popular. The secret to her "success" is that she is a genuine extrovert - happiest when she's out and about with other people - and she also is genuinely interested in being friends with people with whom she has things in common without any concerns about where they come from/background/wealth etc.

One of her oldest friends grew up in a part of town that people could be snobby about where we come from but my sister met her at university and they were int he same sports club (so had that in common from day 1). This friend told me once that my sister was the ONLY person who made an effort with her and it was only because of my sister that she was "accepted" into the club's social stuff.

Go for coffee! Enjoy it and get to know her better.

1983Louise · 15/09/2023 11:37

I think you give off a good vibe 😊take a step back and ask yourself "would I like myself as a friend" if the answer yes, you know your self worth 😊

Nevermind202020 · 15/09/2023 11:53

Possimpible · 15/09/2023 10:59

This, but also option 3 - could her DD be having friendship problems and she's trying to build the friendship between her DD and yours? I don't say this to knock your confidence OP, chances are she is happy to have a chat with you, but it might be a (not unpleasant) ulterior motive

Show quote history

Yes, option 3 is definitely possible too.

semideponent · 15/09/2023 12:16

Maybe she's lonely within a crowd and finds it easier to be herself in your company?

Original poster
Millenialmom · 03/10/2023 14:07

For anyone interested, I met up with this mom who I’ve always admired (envied). I can confirm she is in fact only human and has the same mom problems I do and that she had no ulterior motives in meeting up. Cuppa and a natter about school/kids/life etc in a local coffee shop and I feel slightly more human for putting myself out there.

note to self: stop putting normal, nice people on a pedestal and questioning every little thing.

OP posts:
MotherofGorgons · 03/10/2023 14:09

Good update! Well done. Everybody has problems. Even popular, confident people
She probably just likes you.

hydriotaphia · 03/10/2023 14:51

Sociable people have lots of friends because they enjoy interacting with others. She won't have any master plan or think you're going to be besties - she just thinks she would enjoy coffee with you - don't overthink it. If it is going to torture you then I'm sure you can find a way of declining politely, but you might enjoy it.

Turfwars · 03/10/2023 14:56

Glad the meet up went well OP.

plumtreebroke · 03/10/2023 15:04

It's a big thing for you, but it's a very normal thing for her to just go for a coffee with another mum. I found it very surprising when other mums suggested meeting up with me, but it was really nice and helpful to share worries and experiences and just chat.

BonjourCrisette · 03/10/2023 15:06

Millenialmom · 03/10/2023 14:07

For anyone interested, I met up with this mom who I’ve always admired (envied). I can confirm she is in fact only human and has the same mom problems I do and that she had no ulterior motives in meeting up. Cuppa and a natter about school/kids/life etc in a local coffee shop and I feel slightly more human for putting myself out there.

note to self: stop putting normal, nice people on a pedestal and questioning every little thing.

That sounds really nice. I'm very happy you had a nice time!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/10/2023 15:09

I would guess either her daughter wants to be friends with your daughter OR she (the mum) sees your daughter as a suitable friend for her daughter, and wishes to further that friendship rather than others.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 03/10/2023 15:39

Just meet her at a coffee shop and be careful what you tell her until you feel more comfortable,

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/10/2023 15:47

Oh that's fabulous @Millenialmom!! Thank you for coming back to update.

And here's hoping that new posters learn to bloody well read ALL of the OP's posts before they reply.....

ImustLearn2Cook · 04/10/2023 03:45

@Millenialmom Thanks for coming back and updating us. I’m really glad that you had a nice time meeting up for coffee. 😊