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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is there is no way for him to turn his life around?

63 replies

GamerProblem · 14/09/2023 23:02

Watching this situation with absolute despair and no idea what can be done.

He is 30 years old.

No job, no income, no real friends, virtually no qualifications, no motivation to do anything.

He plays video games every single day without a break until the early hours of the morning. It has been 3.5 years.

Says he’s too depressed to do anything, despite therapy and medication. Gets upset and aggressive when his family ask how they can help get him out of this rut.

How on earth can this situation be turned around??

OP posts:
Knewt · 14/09/2023 23:06

What happened 3.5 years ago to trigger this? Who is supporting him financially if he has no income?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 14/09/2023 23:07

I don't think there's anything you can do until he wants to change - I know it's a cliche but its true.

Chip in with practical help if you're asked, don't enable him by lending money, doing housework, etc, stay cheerful but firm about any consequences that arise for him, and model living a fun and full life.

I'm not sure what else you can do?

Leeds2 · 14/09/2023 23:08

Who is funding this sort of lifestyle?

TheMountainsCall · 14/09/2023 23:14

If he's been offered all the help, in the end it's up to him to be brave and take the first step. Keep letting him know you're there for him and support and encourage.

Greensleeves · 14/09/2023 23:15

Therapy and medication are broad categories - maybe he's not getting the right ones?

drspouse · 14/09/2023 23:31

Is this your DS?

Original poster
GamerProblem · 15/09/2023 00:19

Thank you for your replies.

He lives at home with his parents and pays no rent. Little to no help with household chores. His parents cannot afford to keep him - his gaming computer literally doubles their daily electricity bill and they have a low income these days but the house is expensive to maintain. At the same time they don’t want to kick out their depressed son but how much longer can this go on? His situation is also making his parents very upset and distressed, which I doubt is good for their health.

He’s been getting support from his GP for about 18 months but won’t talk about it to his family (as is his right). He gets angry and shuts down when anyone asks him about his future.

What would you do if this was your son?

OP posts:
dancingdaisies · 15/09/2023 00:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

goody2shooz · 15/09/2023 00:31

Cancel the broadband.

TheMountainsCall · 15/09/2023 00:31

I agree with baby steps. If the parents can't afford the electricity, then they can set limits around that and work with the son to find other outlets for him. Can he go for walks? To the gym? Join any social groups or support groups? If he's been working with the GP for 18 months he has taken those first steps. There are usually no fast fixes for mental health. I know I wouldn't turn him out though.

Lavender14 · 15/09/2023 00:35

It's really difficult to know what to do for the best in a situation like this. I'd be gently trying to explore what happened 3.5 years ago and if something triggered this depression etc. Although at 26 I'm assuming he still had no job or qualification so this is going on for longer than 3.5 years really? I'd try to enlist the help of a tenancy management charity to see if he could get a support worker who would help him build up to living independently. Is he in receipt of PIP? If so he'd maybe be able to get a flat close to his parents and they could visit him for practical support. It sounds like his confidence is very low and needs building and it would be worth exploring again with the gp if he needs further assessment for asd for example if you think that might fit. Therapy as others have said it's very broad and there's lots of different types. I'd also try to link in with a mental health charity, there's the likes of AMH who do lots of positive hobbies along side qualifications and help people into employment and support them to maintain it. I think his parents need to be honest with him that they are worried about him and want to see him take some steps to try and create a new routine and build it up from one morning a week to a day a week or two mornings etc. His room and his gaming have been his safe place/source of socialising/ escape from his brain for the last lot of years. Any change will need to start as small steps but ultimately he needs to want things to be different and be prepared to make those changes. If he's getting pip could he give his parents some towards keep?

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2023 00:36

His parents have got to draw a very, very hard line. At this point, that's all that's left to do.

They shut off the WiFi/Internet and get rid of his computer. They then give him the choice to either get a job and contribute to the upkeep and bills, or if he won't, he by default has chosen to leave their home.

What is going on now simply can't continue.

Original poster
GamerProblem · 15/09/2023 00:52

Broadband was cancelled but he took out his own broadband instead.

Parents have tried baby steps eg setting deadlines to apply for a job (even just a few hours a week) or an educational course but he never ends up doing anything. He will occasionally leave the house for a dog walk with his parents, maybe twice a week at maximum. He seems happy and sociable when gaming - lots of laughter and joking - but when he’s with his family in the real world he tends to be quite blunt and antisocial.

On the one hand, he clearly needs emotional support. On the other, they are enabling his behaviour which could be causing the situation to spiral.

I mean, how difficult is it going to be to find a job with a 3.5 year gap on your CV? What if it continues for another 3.5 years and it ends up being 7 years? I’m aware he’s probably thinking the same thing but cannot/doesn’t want to find a way out.

OP posts:
SOS2023 · 15/09/2023 00:55

"Broadband was cancelled but he took out his own broadband instead"

so how did he fund it?

I'm really worried about DS turning out like this, I hear so many stories like it.

Original poster
GamerProblem · 15/09/2023 00:58

@Lavender14 Thank you for such a detailed reply. I will take all your advice into consideration. He did have a job before this as a gym instructor which he seemed to enjoy, Covid hit and the gyms closed. No entitlement to furlough. He moved back with his parents and started gaming and became severely addicted. I suspect he is not entitled to PIP as he did inherit some money in 2020 (most of which is in a long term savings account he cannot access without penalty). Thanks again.

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 15/09/2023 00:59

A good kick in the seat of his pants and out the door. He'll miraculously get his shit together and find a solution.

Original poster
GamerProblem · 15/09/2023 00:59

@SOS2023 Through a combination of savings and an inheritance. I’ve no idea what his finances look like now tbh. I’m surprised he has anything left.

OP posts:
Original poster
GamerProblem · 15/09/2023 01:01

@Whataretalkingabout One parent supports this kind of action, the other is very much baby steps. Doesn’t help having parents not on the same page. Nothing gets done.

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 15/09/2023 01:02

And the longer they put of doing something the harder it will be.
Poor kid. Poor parents.

Whataretalkingabout · 15/09/2023 01:04

*off

Original poster
GamerProblem · 15/09/2023 01:08

Whataretalkingabout · 15/09/2023 01:02

And the longer they put of doing something the harder it will be.
Poor kid. Poor parents.

Quite. Watching the whole thing it makes me so sad. Parents are missing out on a happy retirement and their son’s life and opportunities are slipping away. I just cannot see a way out.

OP posts:
Whataretalkingabout · 15/09/2023 01:22

Maybe encourage them to attend some kind of 12 step program for addictions? As in Alcoholics Anonymous and the sister program for parents of the 'addict'.

SpringViolet · 15/09/2023 01:25

Assuming he’s got no diagnosed or suspected disabilities like ASD, ADHD, learning difficulties? What was he like at school, was the no qualifications through low ability or non engagement?

PIP is not means tested so he’s still get it no matter how much savings he had if he was eligible.

Did he try to go back to work after the gym reopened? If he’s got a work history and experience, he could stiil get back into it even after a break. Does he go to a gym to use it himself?

Have his parents tried giving a timescale to move out with extended family backing them up. He’ll need to go into a house share probably as rents are so high but should be doable on a full time wage unless you’re in London or a big city?

Alternative is the parents move, especially if the house is expensive (downsize) and don’t tell him where they’re going if he doesn’t adhere to a time limit of getting himself set up on his own. Sometimes tough action is needed. He’s wasting his life as well as making their lives miserable.

AlrightThen · 15/09/2023 10:01

He could smoke weed as well.

Gall10 · 15/09/2023 10:03

GamerProblem · 14/09/2023 23:02

Watching this situation with absolute despair and no idea what can be done.

He is 30 years old.

No job, no income, no real friends, virtually no qualifications, no motivation to do anything.

He plays video games every single day without a break until the early hours of the morning. It has been 3.5 years.

Says he’s too depressed to do anything, despite therapy and medication. Gets upset and aggressive when his family ask how they can help get him out of this rut.

How on earth can this situation be turned around??

Turn off the Wi-Fi

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