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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be told when I'm on a group call?

64 replies

HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 20:23

My brother has a GF I've never really taken to because she seems controlling. Loads of things have happened, and we've had a few rows. However, he's happy, so that's great.

Except whenever I phone him, she is ALWAYS THERE, listening in to the calls. He seems to answer everything on speaker, and then occasionally she will just start chiming into the conversation. Without saying hello or anything, she'll just join in.

If I ever FaceTime him, she'll often be lurking just out of shot. He never says, "Hi, I'm just here with GF," but he just seems to accept that I'm always happy to have a group chat.

We're trying to sort out a family issue at the moment and I've had to call him about some stuff. A few weeks ago, I was talking to (I presumed) just him about things, when he started talking in a robotic voice and then he said, "Just say it." His GF started talking, and I realised his robotic voice was him reading out from a note she'd passed him about what to say.

Today I called him to discuss something about the issue, and his GF just started talking, giving her opinion. About something that's happening in OUR (his and my) family.

AIBU to think it's just weird to join into someone else's conversations?

OP posts:
Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 20:28

The family issues isn't a problem or anything, just something about our parents that we have to deal with.

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Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 20:32

It's not just me, is it? If someone phones you at a time when you're with other people, you say that, right? You say, "Hi, I'm just here with [other person]." You don't just put the call on speaker and let your partner silently listen in, or just start talking?

I find it weird, and creepy. I don't know if my brother is weird for putting all his calls on speaker and not saying when she's there, or if she's weird for being so nosy.

OP posts:
WeeOrcadian · 14/09/2023 20:34

I'd be more concerned that she's being controlling - imagine this if your brother was your sister

Can you speak to him alone, in person?

gawditswindy · 14/09/2023 20:34

Nope - it's definitely etiquette to tell someone when they're on a group call or on speaker. And why is he reading notes from her? That's just weird.

tescocreditcard · 14/09/2023 20:35

I can see it's annoying but it's kind of up to him whether he lets her join in the conversation, not you, if that makes sense.

Can't you just ring him when you know he's not going to be with her?

StorminanDcup · 14/09/2023 20:36

Yeah it is weird that she feels the need to be involved in every thing.

Next time just say “can you take me off of speakerphone please”.

or try and call him when he’s most likely to be alone? On his commute / lunchtime etc?

she does sound incredibly nosy and controlling

Alibaba87 · 14/09/2023 20:37

Mmm I guess it just depends on your relationship with him and her. My husband will phone his sister/bro/mum etc and will just talk to them like I’m part of the conversation, and I’ll pitch in if I hear things too. If he gets up and leaves the room I assume it’s a private convo. Maybe we’re weird!

AlisonDonut · 14/09/2023 20:37

I'd either assume that she is always there or tell him to call you when he is on his own as he doesn't seem to be concentrating on the conversation when she is there.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 14/09/2023 20:44

It seems like you know she is there every call and will be listening so would make sure you let him know to call when he's on his own.

Would also ask if everything was okay. Seems a bit weird.

Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 20:45

THANK YOU. I feel better. She's the type of person that makes you feel like you're going mad. I've had numerous fallings out with my brother about her because she's bordering on nuts. But he won't see it.

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Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 20:46

@Alibaba87 Do the other people know you're in the room/able to hear the conversations?

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Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 20:49

I could try to call him when he's alone but they do everything together. And I mean everything. If one of them needs to run an errand, they'll both go.

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Alibaba87 · 14/09/2023 21:06

I think so as they kind of talk to me through him (he’s never on speaker but has his phone up very loud). TBH I can’t remember when this first started though, so not sure if there was a time when my husband kind of declared it to the other person on the line, if that makes sense. I would say it’s off having it on speaker without being told. And like I say he will often start speaking to family member then get up and leave, then I assume it’s a closed convo - so he knows when it’s not appropriate to share!

Poppinjay · 14/09/2023 21:10

If she's that controlling, she will be looking for ways to cause conflict between your brother and any family or friends who he could turn to for support. Don't allow her to drive a wedge between you.

Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 21:13

I just get a bad feeling about it. The family thing we're talking about involves money, family money, and I don't think she should be taking an active part in those conversations. It's none of her business.

She's VERY fond of money. She charged us £60 per person for Christmas lunch! (My brother was too ashamed to tell us so he just paid for us, and we found out later.) So I'm very wary of her. None of my brother's friends like her. You can't put your finger on it, but she's just not right

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Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 21:17

@Poppinjay That's already happened.

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user76541055773 · 14/09/2023 21:17

Doesn’t everyone answer their phone on speaker? I have mine on speaker if in the house, or in the car, or on headphones otherwise. I just assume other people do the same, and if I want to speak to someone privately then I will say so.

dinoice · 14/09/2023 21:18

My elderly in-laws have taken to doing this. I've now started every call with am I on loud speaker I need to talk to you about a sensitive matter.

So you are not being unreasonable and yes I want to know who I am talking to.

I would also be worried about brother. Can you try a bit of both, I need to talk to SIL then also talk to him alone?

Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 21:19

@user76541055773 Doesn’t everyone answer their phone on speaker? No...

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Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 21:21

@dinoice My Dad used to put me on speaker when I phoned home, so he and Mum could both talk. But it was always obvious, because there'd be loads of BEEP BEEP as he pushed the wrong buttons, and then it'd sound all echoey. On mobiles, you really can't tell.

I dunno. I guess I'll just text him.

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Mortimermay · 14/09/2023 21:27

Couldn't your brother just go to another room? I see where you're coming from but if they live together wouldn't you expect her to be there? I say this because the same could be said of me. My dh will answer calls to his family when I'm in the room. I carry on doing whatever I'm doing and if he chooses not to leave the room then yes I hear most of his calls. I'm not stopping him from leaving the room and as we've been together for so long and I know his family then sometimes I will chip in with something if its relevant to the conversation. I understand it if there are other things that have given you red flags but I don't think this on its own is entirely her fault or a sign that she's controlling.

Original poster
HenryCavillsWife · 14/09/2023 21:32

@Mortimermay Yes, I get what you're saying. I think the note-passing is what's really got my hackles up because that (to me) suggests she knows she's butting into a private chat and is trying to hide it.

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Mortimermay · 14/09/2023 21:34

Yeah the note passing is really strange!

EmpressaurusOfCats · 14/09/2023 21:47

user76541055773 · 14/09/2023 21:17

Doesn’t everyone answer their phone on speaker? I have mine on speaker if in the house, or in the car, or on headphones otherwise. I just assume other people do the same, and if I want to speak to someone privately then I will say so.

But apart from the privacy question, isn’t that quite annoying for anyone else in the room if they don’t want to hear your call?

Uterusbegone · 14/09/2023 21:51

Doesn’t everyone answer their phone on speaker?

God no! It's massively inconsiderate to the person you are speaking to (who don't necessarily know other people can hear them) AND to everyone around you who is being made to listen to someone elses conversation