To want to be told when I'm on a group call?

[HenryCavillsWife]

My brother has a GF I've never really taken to because she seems controlling. Loads of things have happened, and we've had a few rows. However, he's happy, so that's great.

Except whenever I phone him, she is ALWAYS THERE, listening in to the calls. He seems to answer everything on speaker, and then occasionally she will just start chiming into the conversation. Without saying hello or anything, she'll just join in.

If I ever FaceTime him, she'll often be lurking just out of shot. He never says, "Hi, I'm just here with GF," but he just seems to accept that I'm always happy to have a group chat.

We're trying to sort out a family issue at the moment and I've had to call him about some stuff. A few weeks ago, I was talking to (I presumed) just him about things, when he started talking in a robotic voice and then he said, "Just say it." His GF started talking, and I realised his robotic voice was him reading out from a note she'd passed him about what to say.

Today I called him to discuss something about the issue, and his GF just started talking, giving her opinion. About something that's happening in OUR (his and my) family.

AIBU to think it's just weird to join into someone else's conversations?

@EmpressaurusOfCats @Uterusbegone what do you do when you need to answer the phone in the car?

Some people take and make speaker calls on the train. That strikes me as incredibly rude. You’re not on reality TV. Calm down.

But with the car phone, wouldn’t you answer it by saying something like, “Hello, we’re just in the car going up to wherever. Say hi to GF.”? Or would you pretend it’s just you?

I wouldn’t “pretend” it was just me no. But it wouldn’t occur to me to clarify that DH and the kids were with me. If for example my mum phoned to discus DS’s birthday then she would ask “are you on your own”.

How long have they been together - is it that he sees her as life partner, although not married, but you consider just as GF? Whilst not necessarily having him in on the conversation, would you discuss with DH? (assuming you have a DH).

Next time she buts in, just say you'd prefer to discuss it with him alone - when would that be convenient?

I have a family member with a wife that does this every time any of us call him. We have all got sick of it and only call when he's at work so she's not around.

What car?

I definitely think it's rude to answer the phone on speaker with someone else there without saying "Hi, you're on speaker phone and I've got X with me". My Mum used to FT me and DSis with her new BF next to her, and it wouldn't be until we started talking about something personal when she'd go "Oh, hang on - Bob's here, I'll just pop into the other room". It used to wind us up no end, she doesn't do it any more!

No, of course not.
That's really odd.

If I do take a call - say in the car, and put it on speaker, then I would say "I'm just putting this on speaker, X, Y, and Z are here with me". But I'd only put it on speaker if the other person was calling about something that was to do with the other people.
Occasionally I get a call from my dsis and her dh (to wish e happy birthday say) and right at the start, they both sing happy birthday say hello so I know they are both there.

If your parents are needing care or are vulnerable and she's pushing herself in (especially if money's concerned), this will be getting into safeguarding territory so stay very aware of what's going on.

On reality TV programmes they do this BECAUSE IT IS TV. Otherwise the viewers and producers wouldn't be part of the call.

Naturally, some people copy this.

Maybe if you live alone and have no guests it is acceptable to answer on speakerphone. Otherwise, it is weird and rude.

I don't have an option to put the phone NOT on speaker in the car but I'd say "call me back later Mum as I can't discuss DD birthday presents when she's here!". Otherwise yes it has to be mentioned.

If DH was on the phone and I knew who to and needed to get a message across but he or they were rabbiting on - yes I'd pass a note to him - but as a way not to interrupt, and I'd probably pop out of the room and let him actually ask the question.

Not really sure WHY YOU ARE SHOUTING?

(I don’t watch TV)

I did however message a large proportion of the people I know, and they also all normally have their phone on speaker if they are in their own house. So I reckon this is a MN thing.

No, they don't. It's rude.

Why does a grown adult do this? My neice does it but she's a teenager. I often see young people teens/early twenties doing the same thing. It's irritating.

Of course it isn't 🙄.

What sort of weirdo messages a large proportion of their contact group to ask them do they answer their phones on speaker phone because people on MN don't? 😂

I agree this trend probably started with reality TV which is probably why teens have followed the trend, but I don't know any actual adults who do this.

The sort of weirdo who is bored on a very delayed train, and also asked people yesterday how often they think of the Roman Empire.

it’s nice having friends. You should try it.

The speaker aspect is secondary to the fact that she’s butting into family business which is not her place. I’d say “with respect Lauren, I didn’t know you were on the call and actually this has nothing to do with you, I’m speaking to my brother about our parents - do you mind?”

I think this is really odd. It would actually put me off calling them. When I'm in the car (the only time I use speaker) I let people know they're on speaker and others can hear. I think this is the norm based on what I'v seen.

Also when DH speaks to his family (and me mine) we'll go to a different room and give each other privacy. She's being very rude.

Op, If I were you I would as much as possible try to ignore any wedge thats been appearing and try as much as possible to be there for your brother - so that in the event he finally realises that this person is controlling him he will know that hes able to turn to you for support. Has he been spending less time with his friends since he met her?

The only time I answer my phone on speaker is when I'm driving. I never, ever answer on speakerphone anywhere else. That is not normal.

I hd this issue when I used to call my (now NC) sister. Her twat of a partner would always be listening in. She never told people this and he never said a word. I only found out when we were at my now-deceased mum's flat and her phone rang. She straightaway answered on speaker. I said why did you do that and she admitted she had to.

He was/is a controlling tosser. He would even take her phone with him when he went to the loo or had a shower so she couldn't answer it without him being there. I did try helping her but she's of the mentality that he was better than nothing!

I generally say hello and tell people that I am in the car with x so will call them back later. Obviously if I'm in the car on my own I'll talk to them

This is a good shout

Thanks everyone!

yeah I’m not a fan of unwanted conference calls. Just say to your bro your not comfortable & want to speak to him privately. If not then I’d start trying to make the GF feel uncomfortable or make a joke out of it. Next time she chimes in on a private conversation I’d be like “oh there you are insert GF name I knew you’d be lurking & earwigging private conversations ” or “brothers name cough if you are in danger” in a jokey tone.

First thing I would say once he answers is 'am I on speakerphone?' If he says yes then say 'OK, call me back when you have a free minute on your own' then hang up. Keep doing this each and every time.