To want to be told when I'm on a group call?

[HenryCavillsWife]

My brother has a GF I've never really taken to because she seems controlling. Loads of things have happened, and we've had a few rows. However, he's happy, so that's great.

Except whenever I phone him, she is ALWAYS THERE, listening in to the calls. He seems to answer everything on speaker, and then occasionally she will just start chiming into the conversation. Without saying hello or anything, she'll just join in.

If I ever FaceTime him, she'll often be lurking just out of shot. He never says, "Hi, I'm just here with GF," but he just seems to accept that I'm always happy to have a group chat.

We're trying to sort out a family issue at the moment and I've had to call him about some stuff. A few weeks ago, I was talking to (I presumed) just him about things, when he started talking in a robotic voice and then he said, "Just say it." His GF started talking, and I realised his robotic voice was him reading out from a note she'd passed him about what to say.

Today I called him to discuss something about the issue, and his GF just started talking, giving her opinion. About something that's happening in OUR (his and my) family.

AIBU to think it's just weird to join into someone else's conversations?

Hes in an abusive relationship

This is a great idea.

@Redlarge

Hes in an abusive relationship

Why do you say that?

How long have they been together - is it that he sees her as life partner, although not married, but you consider just as GF?

They've been together several years, and live together. They're technically engaged but there's no sign of a wedding. I don't know what the delay is.

My brother is a softie and we're both quite straightforward and naive, with absolute ZERO cunning, so I can see how he ended up in this relationship. We used to be super close but have had several callings out, including one total rift, since they met. He gets really stressed if you talk about it, which makes me think he knows something's not right but would rather settle for a quiet life than go through all the stress of splitting up and starting over.

100% agree YANBU. My good friend (who I also work with) did this one too many times. I suddenly found myself having to explain work issues and pay to the pair of them. We’re not as close any more. Not telling someone they’re on speaker phone is a betrayal of trust.

If I were you I’d start saying things like;
“that problem you’re having not being able to tell GF how badly her butt stinks…”
and see how quickly the behaviour changes

I don't think it's her you should be annoyed with. He is choosing to take your calls on speaker phone when she is around. She's not butting in or being inconsiderate in this situation, he is making her a part of it. Talk to him about it.

I think it’s odd and I would definitely feel uncomfortable if I wasn’t made aware I was on speaker.

My mum did it to me once, she was with my dad so no big deal but it changed the dynamic of the conversation when I realised. It’s just polite to make people aware.

I never answer my phone on speaker and I don’t use FaceTime so that’s not an issue.

Can you ask to speak with your db privately?

Can you not see that the level of control she has over his conversations, to the extent of literally writing down things for him to read out word for word, is abusive? You say yourself that you think she’s controlling, she seems ‘not quite right’ and her behaviour has caused many arguments. This definitely sounds like an abusive relationship to me. Particularly now you’ve added that he gets stressed when you try to address her behaviour with him and that you used to be close to him but since her met her, that’s declined.

The issue isn't that you're on a group call. The issue is that your brother isn't allowed to have a call with you on his own and she is in control of everything he can say to you.

This woman is going to isolate your brother from all his sources of support and destroy him. She's already created distance between you. Her goal will be that you lose contact altogether.

You may be able to help him by asking questions about why she's on the call, etc but don't criticise her to him. Anything negative you say about her will just make him feel obliged to defend her. That will just help her achieve her goal.

I guarantee that, if you try to see your brother on his own, she will find an elaborate way to prevent it every time.

@Poppinjay

This woman is going to isolate your brother from all his sources of support and destroy him.

Destroy him how?

@HenryCavillsWife

Now would be a very good time for you to educate yourself about domestic abuse and coercive control.

You've asked about this situation because it feels wrong and you don't understand what's going on. There's a reason why the situation feels wrong.

You now have a choice. You can recognise that there's a good chance your brother is in an abusive relationship and set about learning how to help him or you can minimise and dismiss the messages about coercive control and risk things deteriorating between you and your brother.

It's up to you

I'm not trying to dismiss it, really. I'm wondering how she'd destroy him?

You mean she'd fleece him for money? Or ruin his confidence? Hurt him physically?

No, it's a grown up thing. You should try it.

Er, no, unless I am driving, then I will be on Bluetooth. Otherwise I pick my phone up and put it to my ear like most people I know do.