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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel stuck between dd12 and her dad

73 replies

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 19:13

She doesn’t want to see him
he wants to see her

she’s never wanted to go i used to pushed apart from when she’s got really upset one day she got so panicky she was shaking and begging I didn’t send her he was really nasty

he feels she’s manipulating me to get her own way
she’s in bits in tears and in tears the last week started to threaten harming herself
she’s not seen him last few weeks
he wants us to meet him tomorrow

there is a back story it might be outing but to give an overview iv had to tell him she hates his drinking, there was 8 weeks he left her in the care of his wife with the kids last year while he went out,
o do feel like o dread seeing and talking to him he’s quite bullish so if I feel like that how does she feel

he does love her but she struggles with him

amyone had this? And what did you do

OP posts:

OhmygodDont · 14/09/2023 19:15

She’s 12 I’d say she’s old enough to decide if she wants to see him or not.

Maybe try to encourage just day visits instead if she’s open to it.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 19:17

He’s not open to that he’s constantly pushing her and he is saying I spoil her and that’s why she won’t come. He wants me to not allow her sleepovers and seeing her friends until she goes to his house. He will not accept her feelings of feeling home sick and not at home when she is at his house

OP posts:

CousinGoldfinch · 14/09/2023 19:18

Don't send her.
You can't send her to spend time with someone she is so scared of that she is threatening to self harm. You just can't.
And Don't take her with you if you go to meet him tomorrow. She needs your protection.

Stompythedinosaur · 14/09/2023 19:18

Is there a compromise? Unless her df's abusive, I'd say it was in her best interest to support her to maintain a relationship. Could he take her for shorter visits, or take her out somewhere instead of to the house? Could you and her dad agree a plan for the visits so she knows what will happen to reduce her anxiety?

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 19:21

He won’t do any of those things he thinks she needs to fall in with his family arrangements and plans

OP posts:

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 19:21

Oh and he doesn’t believe in anxiety

OP posts:

ClusterFukt · 14/09/2023 19:21

Protect her. If he wants to see her let him go to court. In her own way she is telling you she doesn’t feel safe with him. Don’t engage with any bullshit from him just ignore of his bullying he’s a shit dad.

Catza · 14/09/2023 19:22

My parents separated when I was 11. My father was an alcoholic and I never wanted to see him or even speak to him on the phone. My mum was absolutely fine with that and protected me from any bullshit. Until he passed away when I was 25, I had no relationship with him and feel better for it.
If he is saying she won't come because you spoilt her, tell him she won't come because he is being a neglectful parent. Protect your daughter at all costs, please. You are the only constant in her life. Maintaining relationships with him is absolutely NOT in her best interests unless this is something she actively wants to pursue.

ThinWomansBrain · 14/09/2023 19:23

there was 8 weeks he left her in the care of his wife with the kids last year

Day visits or overnight stays rather than a block of 8 weeks might work better?

Blueeyedmale · 14/09/2023 19:27

She's old enough to decide and if she's getting into that state and saying she's going to self harm I would not put her mental health further at risk by sending her,there is a reason she is getting this upset,as much as I love my son and look forward to having him every weekend no way would I want him coming to me if made his mental health worse or any duress,your dd mental health is the priority not him

Crunchingleaf · 14/09/2023 19:27

Is there a compromise? Unless her df's abusive, I'd say it was in her best interest to support her to maintain a relationship.

Child is threatening to self harm here so it’s not appropriate for OP to try support the relationship until he learns to change tact and listen to child.
My child struggles with the relationship with his father. Long story but it’s in court and I got DC counselling which has become family therapy. I don’t think DC father is capable of change however, the message I was giving to ex is now being given by a third party and he might listen to them.
I suggest counselling for your DD. Threatening self harm is worrying and a neutral voice might help the situation as well as help your DD navigate her own feelings.

stealthninjamum · 14/09/2023 19:32

I would be gathering evidence in case he takes you to court. I would be emailing or texting requests that he sees your daughter during the day / evenings and then I would stop him seeing her. If he takes you to court and you can prove that you’ve offered compromises and he’s rejected them all then he doesn’t really have a leg to stand on.

Scienceadvisory · 14/09/2023 19:32

He clearly can't love her that much if he has chosen alcohol over her and is trying to isolate her from her friends so I don't know why you are pushing the idea he loves her.

Lovemusic82 · 14/09/2023 19:32

From the age of 12 a court would listen to a child’s view on wether they want to see a parent or not. I would not be making her go, tell him if he had a issue then take it to court, your DD’s views would be listened too.

I would just encourage that you all meet up for coffee/lunch occasionally to keep contact, maybe if you are there your dd will feel more comfortable?

I have never made my dc see their dad, sometimes they go and see him, other times they decide not too. They still have a relationship with him but they get to decide how close that relationship is.

Bonbon21 · 14/09/2023 19:36

Stand up for her!
She is making it very clear that she does not want to be with this man... it is only biology that makes him her father...
Listen to her.
She needs you to believe her and protect her so be the mother she is asking you to be.

Rumplestrumpet · 14/09/2023 19:45

That's a pretty extreme reaction from your daughter. You can't ignore it . Is there more that you don't know? Has he ever been physically violent or threatening to her?

I voted you're being unreasonable because until now you HAVE been forcing her to see him. If there's no court order then stop that. It doesn't have to all be on his terms

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 20:09

Thank you
can I ask what is dc?

OP posts:

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 20:10

I have done all this in attempts to try and make it better for example he will
not see her in the week saying he is working but he goes to football 2 nights a week

OP posts:

Goldbar · 14/09/2023 20:10

I would tell him that she doesn't want to be around a drunk father so tough cheese, you're not going to force her to see him. There is no value in forcing her to visit in this case and contact is for her benefit not his.

Children thrive on warmth, security and predictability. Alcoholics are incapable of providing this. While neither of my parents drank to excess, we had a few relatives who did and I found being around them incredibly awkward.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 20:10

Not to her but to her siblings

OP posts:

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 20:11

I don’t think he’s an alcoholic but he def drinks there’s so much she’s said iv not told him about high I’m thinking about doing
she doesn’t want me to and I do feel it’s her decision

OP posts:

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 20:12

I don’t want to let it get so bad there’s no chance of a relationship as iv said he does love her a lot in his way. He just thinks differently and is stricter whereas i follow attachment type arentong he is the complete opposite

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/09/2023 20:19

She has probably picked up on its being his way or the high way and is resting him.

You could try agreeing with dd some some things that she might be ok with, eg inviting him over for dinner (if you're happy with that) or going out to lunch the two of them on these dates, and offer him a lot.

If he says no it's on him and you'll look good in court for offering if it comes to it.

I do feel for you that you don't get a night off though I'm sure you'd love an evening out yourself!

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 20:23

I would but I can’t have her like this

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 14/09/2023 20:24

You have to stand up for her on this one.

Agree with her what she will be happy with - a day visit from X-Y o’clock - and then tell him this is the deal, this is what DD is happy with at the moment. Send it by email, and warn him that if he pressurises her for more than this, then she’s likely to not see him at all.

You have to advocate for her.

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