Page 3 | To feel stuck between dd12 and her dad

Mandymoonboob · 2023-09-14T18:13:58+00:00

She doesn’t want to see him he wants to see her she’s never wanted to go i used to pushed apart from when she’s got really upset one day she got so panicky she was shaking and begging I didn’t send her he was really nasty he feels she’s manipulating me to get her own way she’s in bits in tears and in tears the last week started to threaten harming herself she’s not seen him last few weeks he wants us to meet him tomorrow there is a back story it might be outing but to give an overview iv had to tell him she hates his drinking, there was 8 weeks he left her in the care of his wife with the kids last year while he went out, o do feel like o dread seeing and talking to him he’s quite bullish so if I feel like that how does she feel he does love her but she struggles with him amyone had this? And what did you do

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 16/09/2023 11:00

I do actually think it needs to be in court or at least with mediation. I cannot force her to go when she is in this state about it and the fact he expects me to enforce it in that manner on his terms is really worrying to me
iv had a think about it and it is completely on his terms he keeps going about how he feels hard done by and the victim on all this, even saying to me that out of the 2 of us he has suffered the most. I mean wtaf???
we got her signed up to counselling. As it’s the weekend I won’t hear from him as he’ll be on the piss so at least I can relax.
thank you all I really needed the advice to see the woods from the trees as I started to feel maybe it is me or something iv done

OP posts:

EvelynBeatrice · 16/09/2023 11:17

Can you speak to her school and persuade her to speak to someone there perhaps? Will be helpful to have evidence of her feelings/distress in case of any court etc action? It sounds so extreme that I wonder if something has happened to frighten her.

Lovemusic82 · 16/09/2023 11:18

He sounds like an abusive prick. You need to do what’s best for you dd and if that means her not seeing him he will just have to except it, she comes first. If he’s not happy about it then he can take it to court but I doubt he will get very far with it tbh. She’s old enough to have a say in it and I’m sure she has reason to not want to see him.

GabriellaMontez · 16/09/2023 11:39

Does he really love her?

Everything you've said about him makes him sound bullying, abusive, uncompromising, controlling and self centred.

Why would you send your daughter to this man? Being a Dad doesn't make him a good person or a loving parent.

Why are you considering sending her? Is he kind and supportive when she settles down? Helps with homework? Takes her out for a walk?

Could it be because you're a bit frightened of him?

I'd tell him no. I'd involve her school. Form teacher, head of year, or someone you already have contact with. Someone who can give you both support.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 16/09/2023 11:42

she does and has spoken to someone now. Which is really positive. Actually feel like a weight has been lifted a little it’s been so hard all these years but iv been terrified he would take her away from me. The family courts can make some funny decisions and I know it would have broken her heart and her as a person to have spent more time there.

his wife has for a long time put me down and some of the things in our life, one of the things dd has said is that she will say to her daughter things like ‘oh don’t think your gonna do THAT’ in reference to something dd has done. Makes her feel like shit.
there’s some more stuff that I won’t post here but she does have reason and every time I discuss it he says she is not telling the truth or it’s not happening. I know my dd very well and she is far from perfect but she is not capable of just making all of this up

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Thelnebriati · 16/09/2023 11:43

Try to get an outside agency involved, to support you and your DD, and to suggest mediation plus parenting lessons for him.
He sounds like an authoritarian. Its not a suitable parenting style and he needs to work on his attitude and behaviour. He would do it if he really loves his daughter.
But the suggestion might be best coming from an outside agency that he perceives as an authority, rather than you or your DD.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 16/09/2023 12:46

That’s exactly how he is.

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Duckingella · 16/09/2023 13:02

What im about to say is from the extreme end of the spectrum but you never know.

My friends daughter stopped going to her DF's at age 10;point blank refused.

At the age of 16 she disclosed to her mum that a family member was using her visits to her DF's house to sexually abuse her.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 16/09/2023 13:10

This is so so scary.

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billy1966 · 16/09/2023 13:18

She needs to go to her teacher first thing monday and tell them she is terrified of her father and ask the teacher for help.

SS will be notified and get involved.

She needs to do this.

She needs to say clearly why she doesn't want to go and that she has told you she will self harm if you continue to push her.

It will be scary but she needs to do this, to get others involved that can help.

Do not force her to go.

Text your ex that she has threatened ho self harm if you push it, so you will not do this.

Spell it out to him in a text so he knows and you have proof.

Wanderinghome · 16/09/2023 14:13

If there's been abuse in your relationship then you don't have to do the mediation. But if you choose to i saw a really good but of advice on another group. The woman requested to be in a seperate room from her ex, with the mediator going between. This way he couldn't manipulate the situation as he could have done if she was in the room.

XelaM · 16/09/2023 14:57

HowIsItSeptemberAlready · 14/09/2023 21:25

OP I think you need to explore in more detail with her what is happening on these visits. He will only have her overnight and she is threatening suicide if she has to go? What is happening while she is there??

Definitely don't make her go and get some advice from Women's Aid. He is a bully.

THIS!!!!!

OP - this is not a normal reaction. He or someone in his house is doing something bad to her whilst she's there.

I have a 13-year-old with a total deadbeat ex-husband and she also doesn't want to see him because he's an idiot, but your daughter's reaction is extreme. Threatening self-harm and suicide is totally off the scales. There must be a reason for this.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 16/09/2023 15:03

If course she is manipulating you to get her own way. She doesn't want to go and you have said he gets nasty about it.

Tell him tough.

Put her first. Neither of you have to acquiesce to his preferences any more.

Let him take you/her to family court etc. The little you have posted here would give any judge pause.

MariaVT65 · 16/09/2023 15:28

12 year olds aren’t stupid. Her decision needs to be respected. If she feels like that about seeing her own dad then something is wrong. I was a similar age when my mum got a new partner who drank and I was also uncomfortable with it.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 16/09/2023 20:14

Thank you all I still feel terrified he could have her taken away. I feel sad it’s ended up like this too, but s my friend keeps reminding me he is responsible for what happens on his time. Dd happily goes to mother family members there is a reason why

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Itslookinggood · 17/09/2023 07:05

You only feel that way because he has got into your head. He could not really have taken her away.

google ‘covert narcissist - does it ring any bells?

he will always be the victim, and you will always be the aggressor. According to him.

but that’s not real. It’s just him twisting reality to suit him.

your dd loves you and looks to you for protection. You Are doing the right thing by supporting her in her wishes. You are on the right side legally. It’s just his narrative that’s got into your head.

Perfect28 · 17/09/2023 07:21

I was your daughter. My mum forced me to visit my violent father. Please stop making her go.

AuntieEsther · 17/09/2023 07:25

She needs to go to her teacher first thing monday and tell them she is terrified of her father and ask the teacher for help.

SS will be notified and get involved

no, they will not get involved. this is a straightforward contact dispute with a child who is old enough to express her views. Social services would simply advise the OP to make the decision she feels is best, and would remind her that as resident parent she is able to stop contact if she chooses.

OP you don't have to keep communicating with your ex. You can just tell him that she's not coming and you will only discuss it further in mediation with a trained 3rd party present. Then it's up to him to set up the mediation appointment. Don't worry about court - it's almost certainly not going to get to court at her age and even if it did they would listen to her.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 17/09/2023 11:28

I feel worried as iv read that sometimes the judge will say contact has to happen anyway and if they do that and she has to go when he knows what she has said it will be awful. That’s kind of why somethings have slid in the past. Because the thought of that is almost worse.
he’s from a very nice family, nice houses, money friends
i on the other hand am a single mother, less social support, not that well off.

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Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 17/09/2023 11:32

I have been up all night has he has made some counter allegations mainly about her use of the phone which I do monitor closely. However she has put a few pics up im not happy about and removed, nothing too awful or damaging and nothing her peers haven’t.

he has also now suddenly taken offence at her going to the park with her friend. - I never allow more than a few hours and only in certain circumstances the way he said it made it seem worse and he says it’s that that will be affecting her mental health. Even using a story she told
him about another child as something she was involved in (which she was not) if she were to be taken away from me or even forced to go I’m just so worried about the effect it would have as he and his wife won’t change, this has been going on for years and years and he doesn’t take any accountability for it he places it all on me and dd

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billy1966 · 17/09/2023 11:49

AuntieEsther · 17/09/2023 07:25

She needs to go to her teacher first thing monday and tell them she is terrified of her father and ask the teacher for help.

SS will be notified and get involved

no, they will not get involved. this is a straightforward contact dispute with a child who is old enough to express her views. Social services would simply advise the OP to make the decision she feels is best, and would remind her that as resident parent she is able to stop contact if she chooses.

OP you don't have to keep communicating with your ex. You can just tell him that she's not coming and you will only discuss it further in mediation with a trained 3rd party present. Then it's up to him to set up the mediation appointment. Don't worry about court - it's almost certainly not going to get to court at her age and even if it did they would listen to her.

I do not agree.

If a child goes to a teacher and tells the teacher they are terrified of their father, and will self harm if forced to see him the teacher will take action and report it.

Teachers take their duty of care tona child looking for support very seriously, particularly if MH issues are involved.

At the very least this will be noted.

The OP should also be informing her GP.

I agree she needs to stop engaging with him.

Tell him to contact mediation services as you will no longer be responding.

Put the pressure on him to sort this and then ignore.

You are giving him far too much power.

She is 12, she can spell out how she feels and be heard.

Tell her to speak to her teachers and ask for help.

Morewineplease10 · 17/09/2023 11:57

So he wants it all on his terms?

Listen to your daughter. She doesn't want to go.

If he can't compromise to doing something she's comfortable with then bollocks to him!

Why should she have to not see her friends?!

AuntieEsther · 17/09/2023 11:59

If a child goes to a teacher and tells the teacher they are terrified of their father, and will self harm if forced to see him the teacher will take action and report it.

^Teachers take their duty of care tona child looking for support very seriously, particularly if MH issues are involved.*

yes, I didn't dispute that. They are very much advised to report it. Where you are incorrect is where you said that social services will get involved. They won't.