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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel stuck between dd12 and her dad

73 replies

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 19:13

She doesn’t want to see him
he wants to see her

she’s never wanted to go i used to pushed apart from when she’s got really upset one day she got so panicky she was shaking and begging I didn’t send her he was really nasty

he feels she’s manipulating me to get her own way
she’s in bits in tears and in tears the last week started to threaten harming herself
she’s not seen him last few weeks
he wants us to meet him tomorrow

there is a back story it might be outing but to give an overview iv had to tell him she hates his drinking, there was 8 weeks he left her in the care of his wife with the kids last year while he went out,
o do feel like o dread seeing and talking to him he’s quite bullish so if I feel like that how does she feel

he does love her but she struggles with him

amyone had this? And what did you do

OP posts:

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 14/09/2023 20:25

Let her stay home. She needs you in her corner.. After all he is an ex for a reason. He isn't that great right?

MintJulia · 14/09/2023 20:28

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 19:17

He’s not open to that he’s constantly pushing her and he is saying I spoil her and that’s why she won’t come. He wants me to not allow her sleepovers and seeing her friends until she goes to his house. He will not accept her feelings of feeling home sick and not at home when she is at his house

This is abuse. He's blackmailing you and her, when she is old enough to decide not to see him again if that is what she chooses.

I'd find someone independent, who she trusts (favourite teacher?) to talk to her. If she is still adamant that she doesn't want to see him, that has to be her choice.

Don't push her into taking desperate action. He needs to back off and stop bullying her.

NewName122 · 14/09/2023 20:30

It is her choice.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 20:33

I feel like I need outside help as he has made me feel like km
nkt doing enough of a good job or I’m being to lax. I’m just so not myself right now to other reasons
she goes to her grandparents no problems and to bother people so it’s not ringing right

I wish we could go to court as I would feel better having someone’s advice on this

OP posts:

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 14/09/2023 20:36

At 12 my ds stopped going to his df's. And we had a court order.. At 12 I doubt a court would insist your dd went anyway. She is entitled to feel safe in her surroundings isn't she? Please listen to her.. Maybe block him for now. He isn't entitled to blackmail or abuse you now op. He is an ex. Remember that.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/09/2023 20:37

It's not your parenting that has caused this It's all on him, he is a bully and fortunately your DD doesn't live in his house so she is safe with you, he doesn't get the luxury of having her trapped in his house so he is lashing out and blaming you for the consequences of his abuse.

Protect your daughter and stop trying to appease him because no compromise is good enough for him so there is not point.
No court would order her to visit him, he has brought this upon himself.

Mistressanne · 14/09/2023 20:39

@Mandymoonboob you keep saying he loves her.
If he loves her he’ll try to understand her feelings. He sees her as his possession to do his bidding.
Shes 12 and she doesn’t have to see him.
Support your dd.

Goldbar · 14/09/2023 20:40

It's quite frankly disturbing that your ex wants you to essentially coerce your child into spending time in a situation she doesn't feel comfortable with, rather than taking the time to build a relationship with her and meet her needs. You need to push back firmly, otherwise your DD may end up with a distorted idea about what is acceptable in relationships.

Wanderinghome · 14/09/2023 20:56

This must be so hard.

I'd agree with not sending her and collecting evidence where you can.

I'm going through similar with my ex and just in case my ex talks about alienation I've suggested he send videos or voice notes etc for my children.

Mine are younger, so it's great that you're daughter is older and can voice her opinion now if it goes to court.

Is she in therapy at the moment?

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 21:03

No I’m going to get some

she is saying she would commit suicide if she went
she’s seriously never ever talked like this before
I def need some support for her

OP posts:

Beezknees · 14/09/2023 21:06

Stompythedinosaur · 14/09/2023 19:18

Is there a compromise? Unless her df's abusive, I'd say it was in her best interest to support her to maintain a relationship. Could he take her for shorter visits, or take her out somewhere instead of to the house? Could you and her dad agree a plan for the visits so she knows what will happen to reduce her anxiety?

Disagree completely, I was OP's dd and stopped seeing my dad when I was 12 through my own choice, I do not regret it at all and haven't seen him since, he added nothing to my life.

OP she is old enough to decide herself. Don't force her.

justthecat · 14/09/2023 21:10

She's doesn't want to go don't make her. He can say what he wants. Protect her

BoohooWoohoo · 14/09/2023 21:11

He's your ex and you don't have to do what he says.

I'm going to assume he sees her every other weekend so the 8 week comment means that on 8/26 visits, he wasn't there the whole weekend rather than an hour or two.

If this went to court then a judge would allow your dd to choose. It doesn't matter what your ex thinks about you. You split for probably a very good reason

I think that you should stick up for your dad because she has verbalised why and he has refused to listen and change his behaviour even for that day. It's understandable why she doesn't like the drinking. (I assume drinking means he's loud and silly rather than abusive btw) She visits his home to see her dad. Unless he had to go to something urgent like a funeral on those occasions I can see why she'd rather stay at home. Does she have her own space at dad's house? Can she see her friends easily at his house if she doesn't want to be at home with his partner and any other kids?

Would your dd be happier to compromise with a few hours during the day? Are there concrete reasons why she doesn't want to stay there overnight like missing out on social stuff near your house?

Did you split because he was controlling and forced you to do things ? Don't allow your ex to abuse your dd- she's told him what she doesn't like and if he won't listen then it's inevitable that their relationship will break down.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/09/2023 21:14

I've read your updates on self harm threats. Don't engage with your ex over this. Support her to stop contact and get her some therapy so that she can discuss her feelings with someone neutral.

Court won't make her go and nor should you. If he can't listen and change his behaviour for the days that he has her then he doesn't really love her and want a respectful relationship with her. You can't parent teens in a "I'm an adult so you need to do as I say" way. Listen to her and protect her. Her dad has hurt her deeply and she needs your help to heal.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 14/09/2023 21:19

He says she has too much choice and they I should just bring her when she is crying and he can take care of the rest she will soon stop. The thing is she wouldn’t ever cry in front of him she never has

OP posts:

Wanderinghome · 14/09/2023 21:21

Hopefully the space and therapy helps as it sounds like she is really struggling.

I'm hoping the therapy will also serve as evidence if we go to court, maybe it could be evidence for you too. But rubbish that you need to do that.

Don't forget yourself in all this, hope you've got support whilst supporting your daughter.

HowIsItSeptemberAlready · 14/09/2023 21:25

OP I think you need to explore in more detail with her what is happening on these visits. He will only have her overnight and she is threatening suicide if she has to go? What is happening while she is there??

Definitely don't make her go and get some advice from Women's Aid. He is a bully.

justthecat · 14/09/2023 21:25

Stop listening to him and listen to her. She needs protecting

BoohooWoohoo · 15/09/2023 00:14

OP - it doesn't matter what he says but I'm guessing this is how he behaved with you and his behaviour is a reason for divorce.
Definitely don't meet with him. If you can't say no then meet in public so he can't fully lose his shit with you and take someone for moral support. Your updates make me worry for your dd that you will try and talk her into going so that your life is easier. It is easier to say no by text than to his face.

If he takes you to court then let him spend his money and hear "no" from a judge instead of his dd.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 15/09/2023 06:31

thanks all I have been up all night can’t get what she has said out of my head. I’m going to call 111 for support

OP posts:

SpringleDingle · 15/09/2023 06:36

Protect your kid. If she is this upset and anxious over going then the atmosphere when she is there must be dreadful. I would tell him she doesn’t want to come and I wouldn’t force her. I am divorced and my DD is 12.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 15/09/2023 07:16

I think you’re all right iv been pressured by him all these years and he kicked off so much the times she didn’t go. It’s been a constant Battle. I was so scared he would take me to court and it would be named parental alienation and I’d lose her that I pushed it too much and now she’s saying she wants to end her life as she wasn’t listened to. I feel like such a failure and iv let her down.
they have made a red to mh crisis team I won’t be forcing her
I have really tried

OP posts:

BuffaloCauliflower · 15/09/2023 07:22

No one can knock you for trying, but your child needs you in her corner fighting on her side now. This is not a normal reaction for a child going to see a parent, she is clearly very distressed and you do not have to send her there. If she doesn’t want to see him that’s his own fault, and he’ll have to live with that, but she’s old enough to choose for herself now. Don’t send her and let him take you to court if he wants to. I’d also be trying to understand from your daughter what happening when she’s there, as this is such an extreme reaction.

Original poster

Mandymoonboob · 15/09/2023 19:10

Thanks
it’s sad it’s come to this but I have tried and I can’t force it anymore

OP posts:

Itslookinggood · 15/09/2023 19:29

Been there, op.

legally, the position is that at 12, your dad’s views will be taken into account, and court is unlikely to force her to go somewhere that is causing her emotional harm.

at 14, the choice is hers.

legal advice to me was that I would face some difficult questions from social services if I forced to to go somewhere that makes her threaten self-harm.

it is hard to stand up to an abusive ex - which is what yours is - but you must protect her. Tell ex that at the moment, she doesn’t feel up to coming, and you’ll let her know when she does. Meanwhile, get an hour’s advice from a solicitor to make yourself feel better, and some support for your Dd.

he can take you to court if he wants. By the time you have a hearing, she’ll be even nearer 13, and even less likely to be sent for contact by a court.

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