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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Raising two families? Two at school then a baby?

56 replies

CPHB2021 · 14/09/2023 11:02

I'm back on the 'should we have a third' fence. I have 2DC now. 'One of each' and we thought we were done, two years ago we fell pregnant and decided to terminate. It was right at the time and I don't regret it because at the time we couldn't support a third, since then our jobs and future financial situation are much more positive. Our youngest starts school in 2024 and if I fell pregnant now I'd have a few months of them all being home before the older two were at school all day. I worry hugely we've missed the boat of having them as a little pack and if we had a third it'll forever be 'the older two and the baby' it's now or never and even still I worry the age gap will be too much. DS is almost 7 now and DD almost 4 🤔 any advice or experiences would be wonderful!

OP posts:
Catza · 14/09/2023 11:06

I don't think there is wright or wrong answer. The age gap is not an indication of how well your kids will get along.

billy1966 · 14/09/2023 11:10

It will be starting again I'm afraid and you need to decide if that will suit you.

Two at school and juggling a baby and then toddler is a lot.

It very quickly can become one person doing stuff with the 5--8 year old while the other minds the baby.
Same with holidays.

The next few years could fly with you very focused on a toddler while your eldest gets bigger.

Think long and hard about the dynamic and how it would work for you.

Three is a big step up IMO especially as your two are now able to do stuff for themselves.
We forgdt how labour intensive the newborn stage is and beyond.

Good luck with the decision.

JonjoMonjo21 · 14/09/2023 11:13

Stay as u are. I have one at grammar school one at primary and a toddler. It is hard graft. Speaking from experience

Tohaveandtohold · 14/09/2023 11:16

There’s no right or wrong answer. I personally don’t think the age gap is a lot because in my circle, there’s a minimum of 3 year age gap between our kids because everyone works and they try to have only one in childcare at a time (no twins luckily).
However I think this is something you need to decide if it’s what you want to do and if it’s worth it. The baby will not be close to the older ones, when they grow, it’ll almost be like splitting yourself into 3 because their needs (clubs, etc) will vary. You may also have to do 3 school run at some point as you’ll have one in secondary school, pry and nursery. There’s also a chance of having multiples so you need to consider all these and see if it works for your family situation.

Original poster
CPHB2021 · 14/09/2023 11:17

JonjoMonjo21 · 14/09/2023 11:13

Stay as u are. I have one at grammar school one at primary and a toddler. It is hard graft. Speaking from experience

This is the advice the very few of my friends that had a third with similar age gaps have given and whilst they don't regret their child, they recognise how much easier it was with two. That saying, I am SO maternal and adore having children with me and I feel as though I'm not ready to close that chapter with DD starting school....

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JonjoMonjo21 · 14/09/2023 11:19

@CPHB2021 they aren’t babies for long… they soon turn in to toddlers. My last was walking at 8 months. And juggling everything is so freaking hard. I love him to pieces but I don’t get a moment. My life was easier with just the 2. Everyone is different though. You might have a better support network than me. You might find it easier. Some people have 6 kids and love every moment. It’s how you feel.

TheBarbieEffect · 14/09/2023 11:22

The age gap is too big and would make organising family activities difficult trying to find something a 10 year old and a 3 year old would be interested in.

budgiegirl · 14/09/2023 11:22

Only you can decide if you want three children or not. Plenty of people have three or more, so it's certainly doable, but it is much harder work, and very expensive.

I had my third child when my sons were 4 and 3. Yes, your time is split, and it can be extremely hard work at times. I found the jump from 2 to 3 to be the hardest of all. BUT I don't regret it at all. The kids bickered at lot when they were primary age (3 children can argue WAY more than 2!) but we had a lot of fun too, and having 3 now-adult children who are all close is wonderful. I am aware though that we were very lucky, we both had jobs that allowed us to be around a lot, and could share the running about, and that my kids when they were teens were very easy going.

Original poster
CPHB2021 · 14/09/2023 11:23

JonjoMonjo21 · 14/09/2023 11:19

@CPHB2021 they aren’t babies for long… they soon turn in to toddlers. My last was walking at 8 months. And juggling everything is so freaking hard. I love him to pieces but I don’t get a moment. My life was easier with just the 2. Everyone is different though. You might have a better support network than me. You might find it easier. Some people have 6 kids and love every moment. It’s how you feel.

Yes I agree and the more you have, the quicker it goes! I just long for a baby again and to have another one at home with me and not to close the chapter of having children at home BUT, things are easier now, much, in every respect; time, money, help, ease going out etc. We have just been away and they played together, no one in nappies, one can swim, other one on the cusp of being able to. I am still quite young ( esp on Mumsnet! ) 26 so I know I have years to be 'child free' etc!

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jadey1991 · 14/09/2023 11:24

Age gap isnt a problem I think it's down to you and ur partner.
Dd 15
Dd 9
Ds 21 months
Currently pregnant with my 4th

Although there is a big age gap between my kids I wouldn't change it for the world... my and my husband have dealt with it.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 14/09/2023 11:25

Your kids are just on the cusp of being more independent - do you really want to go back to being tied down to a baby again?

Original poster
CPHB2021 · 14/09/2023 11:25

TheBarbieEffect · 14/09/2023 11:22

The age gap is too big and would make organising family activities difficult trying to find something a 10 year old and a 3 year old would be interested in.

Yes this is a big worry for me! I think ultimately we've left it too late to have them as a pack and I wonder if I should wait and see how we feel once DD is at school and then if in a few years we feel un finished have another 2 so that they can be a little pack! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
CPHB2021 · 14/09/2023 11:26

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 14/09/2023 11:25

Your kids are just on the cusp of being more independent - do you really want to go back to being tied down to a baby again?

I don't view it as being tied down as I LOVE the 0-4 age. I don't mind sleepless nights or nappies or weaning etc. I love playgroups and park trips and having someone come to all my appointments and tag along to coffee dates and school runs. But I know that has to end somewhere and maybe I am just super daunted at the prospect of both my children being at school x

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 14/09/2023 11:29

This is such an individual personality thing that I don't think anyone else can advise, just give you things to think about. I know people who absolutely love having big age gaps. A friend of mine has 3 children with a five year gap between them and thinks it is perfect - she is so pleased that for each of them she had that time with them where they were the only one not at school. I think that having 15 constant years of having an under-5 seems pretty hellish! And hers certainly don't interact in the same way that my two, who are much closer in age, do, though that doesn't mean they don't have close and loving relationships.

lostinwales · 14/09/2023 11:30

I am out the other end of that exact age gap scenario, got one all grown up and out in the world working, one coming to the end of uni and my 'baby' is just starting sixth form. It's worked wonderfully. DS1 was a wonderful big brother and adored DS3, well it was mutual and now DS2 and DS3 share a hobby and it's so lovely to see. DS3 has always been ahead of his peers physically as he didn't see why he shouldn't do all the things his big brothers did (challenging at times) but it's been wonderful and I'd do it all again exactly the same.

Although I had one full term of both older boys in school before I had my baby which did make me realise what I was going to be missing! I'd be lost now without my youngest still in school as well, trying to persuade him he never needs to leave home <joke>. <mostly>.

Ladyoftheknight · 14/09/2023 11:34

Honestly if you can financially handle it, and you want a baby- you will make it work. You know why you couldn't before and you did what was best for you, but your circumstances have changed.

FWIW, my sister is 10 years older than me, and we get along really well, and did as kids too. The age gap isn't a big deal. My eldest is nearly 7 and youngest is almost 1, there's no issues with them!

Original poster
CPHB2021 · 14/09/2023 11:34

lostinwales · 14/09/2023 11:30

I am out the other end of that exact age gap scenario, got one all grown up and out in the world working, one coming to the end of uni and my 'baby' is just starting sixth form. It's worked wonderfully. DS1 was a wonderful big brother and adored DS3, well it was mutual and now DS2 and DS3 share a hobby and it's so lovely to see. DS3 has always been ahead of his peers physically as he didn't see why he shouldn't do all the things his big brothers did (challenging at times) but it's been wonderful and I'd do it all again exactly the same.

Although I had one full term of both older boys in school before I had my baby which did make me realise what I was going to be missing! I'd be lost now without my youngest still in school as well, trying to persuade him he never needs to leave home <joke>. <mostly>.

Ah this sort of story does give me joy! It's just such a hard decision. 1-2 was no decision at all, we knew we'd have two and it didn't really matter if we couldn't afford it etc, we just knew we were having two!! But the decision to have a third has been looming for so long. I can imagine three older DC coming over for Christmas etc! But I'm not sure our finances are up to giving three the life we've mapped out for two.... though does life ever go to plan?! 😂

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lostinwales · 14/09/2023 11:37

Trust me on this one, 17 years further down the line than you, life NEVER goes to plan. You just have to surf the wave you are given! Good luck.

Redmat · 14/09/2023 11:37

You will have to devide yourselves up as a family. You couldn't all go to the theatre or cinema as a family for example. School runs, clubs get difficult . Lugging the baby out to pick ups. It really isn't fair to say to older children they can't do activities because of the baby, unless you limit the activities of your youngest in the same way when they get to the same age. Leads to jealousy later.
Lots of people make it work though.

lostinwales · 14/09/2023 11:43

Oh and third babies (and this is something I've talked about with other mums of more than two) just have to get on with being a baby on their older siblings time. I have no idea how I found babies so hard first time round. Be organised with your bag packing and then they just have to come along to whatever their older siblings are doing, mine and his car seat have been to so many clubs and activities it's not surprising all he does is sport now, it was all he saw as a tiny one! Also I think babies are a little like horses, they recognise a confident pair of hands which you develop by number three.

I am obviously changing my posting name and hiding now in case you come after me with a colicky 6 month old in the future.

Ps thanks for taking me down a lovely (totally rose tinted) trip down memory lane. I almost managed to skip the bit where DS1 bounced on the bed not realising it was his baby brother not a duvet his foot was on. He was fiiiiine.

Wineandrun · 14/09/2023 11:45

Mine are 10,8 and 2 and I love it. It definitely is the big two and the baby but the older ones love her and include her, she is besotted with them. I’ll have one in the final year of primary when she starts school. The only thing which is a bit tricky are clubs for the eldest as they finish a bit late, but I have lots of wonderful friends who help out (her friends mums who generally have kids doing the same club). The little one gets so much more of my attention than the middle one did at this age and gets to do loads of stuff the others didn’t because she gets brought along! Plus I never have to go to soft play….. then when she naps/ is in bed I still get quality time with the others.

Sceptre86 · 14/09/2023 11:45

Ours were 5 and 4 when our youngest was born. My eldest was at primary school and my son was at preschool 5 days a week for the morning session. Dd2 slipped into our routine. It helped that dh was wfh so did all the pick ups and drop offs. When she turned 1 my son was in primary school too and honestly it's been easy enough even though I've had to do more of the school runs. I was able to go to groups with dd2 (much more difficult with ds as dd1 was still little too) and at one point we did 3 a week whilst I was on maternity. I've had more time to savour the experience this time, I don't sweat the small stuff because I know from experience it's usually a phase.

I haven't found this hard so far but we are used to doing things on our own with the kids, we have no childcare or family help so its always just been down to us. I would say it can work as long as you are realistic about how to manage stuff. For instance one of us has to have the toddler whilst the other does the homework, getting bags packed, bedtime routine etc. It is more work though but as it's a team effort between dh and I, I don't feel like it's too much. We change it up so they all get one on one time.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 11:46

I don't think the age gap will be the think to worry about. Kids tend to find their own way, and someone 8 years younger is probably less annoying than someone 3 years younger. Imagine being 16 with an annoying 13 yo, the fun 6 yo is likely to get more love!!

The issue is do you want a third, to start again, to delay the empty nest date? Will it bring up anything about the abortion or is this some type of penance for the abortion?

That's what you need to decide on

VioletPickles · 14/09/2023 11:52

If you can afford it without it making a difference I would. I did it without being able to and everything is a struggle. Im torn in several different ways trying to meet the needs of all my family (18,16,10,6). It’s hard hard work. Obviously don’t regret any of them, but the 4th one certainly changes things.

Original poster
CPHB2021 · 14/09/2023 11:55

SleepingStandingUp · 14/09/2023 11:46

I don't think the age gap will be the think to worry about. Kids tend to find their own way, and someone 8 years younger is probably less annoying than someone 3 years younger. Imagine being 16 with an annoying 13 yo, the fun 6 yo is likely to get more love!!

The issue is do you want a third, to start again, to delay the empty nest date? Will it bring up anything about the abortion or is this some type of penance for the abortion?

That's what you need to decide on

I think delaying the 'empty nest' in nail on the head. Though i absolutely love the idea of three adult children, the driving force for this is so that I am not 'alone' in September next year. It's silly to say but I feel I have found myself in being a Mum and I'm not going to be 'me' without a child on my hip! The idea of not having a buggy or a proper car seat in the car makes me feel sad 😂

OP posts: