Raising two families? Two at school then a baby?

[CPHB2021]

I'm back on the 'should we have a third' fence. I have 2DC now. 'One of each' and we thought we were done, two years ago we fell pregnant and decided to terminate. It was right at the time and I don't regret it because at the time we couldn't support a third, since then our jobs and future financial situation are much more positive. Our youngest starts school in 2024 and if I fell pregnant now I'd have a few months of them all being home before the older two were at school all day. I worry hugely we've missed the boat of having them as a little pack and if we had a third it'll forever be 'the older two and the baby' it's now or never and even still I worry the age gap will be too much. DS is almost 7 now and DD almost 4 🤔 any advice or experiences would be wonderful!

OP I'm in a similar boat to you. Had 2 children very close together and thought I was done, but now mine are both at school and a bit more independent I'm really sad that I'm not having anymore, so it's made me think do I want to put my body through it again?

We're not financially well off either, just run of the mill min pay jobs which does make me think no we shouldn't. But also I feel like I'll get to the age where I'm too old to have them and have regrets.

I look back on videos and pictures of the kids when they were tiny and think my god how lovely was it, but actually it is rose tinted glasses because I remember being incredibly stressed a lot of the time! Much to think about.

I have 2 but with a 5 year age gap. They are and have always been extremely close.

No one can you tell you what is right for you & your family. But my experience has been very similar to yours - I always wanted 3 children, but my DH was on the fence, I fell pregnant when my older two were 1&3yrs & at the time the circumstances weren’t right to support another child, so, I had a termination but still very, very much wanted a 3rd child & hoped there’d be a time when it was right one day…

My kids got older, I worried I had missed the boat… My DH however, surprised me & himself I think by realising he v much wanted a 3rd too… When my kids were 6 & 4 we decided to go for it.

So, when the littlest was born my oldest was 7yrs & my middle was 5yrs & genuinely it has been so wonderful. Obviously, who knows what the future holds but for now I cannot imagine any age gap working better for our family. My littlest is 5 now & he is the light of everyone’s lives - the big ones love him, always have, they were old enough to enjoy him rather than see him as a rival when he was born, they love doing littler kids things with him & he loves copying them & their big mates, watching his big brother play footie etc.

Now that my eldest is in High School, the dynamics have shifted a bit - the older two used to be thick as thieves but now my eldest has more of her own stuff going on & the younger two are closer, it works out really well - everyone gets their own space but no one is left out.

Yes, it’s busy getting to everyone’s clubs etc but I love having a rowdy, chaotic little gang & although they squabble, they’re really fiercely loyal to each other.

There are sacrifices - mainly financial, for example we can’t really afford holidays abroad anymore - but for me, it’s massively, massively out weighed by the positives. Wouldn’t change it for the world!

The loss of your ‘mum of a smallie’ identity is probably looming large because you must have been very young starting your family. You might like to start to think about other paths that will open to you (study, career, etc) if you don’t go for a third child.

Go for it, you’re young, I think 26 is actually too young to decide your childbearing days are done with.

I have three kids and whilst they’re all close in age they don’t always want to , or get invited to do the same stuff at the same time anyway. The idea that them being close in age means they’ll just do everything together just isn’t true anyway. Having three is definitely harder than having two but if you love it then it won’t be too much of a hardship for you. (If I was you I’d wait a couple of years and have two more 😉).

I don't view it as being tied down as I LOVE the 0-4 age.

Yes, but this time round you'll have older children to manage as well. You'll have to do the nappies and the weaning while also sorting out homework and uniforms and dropping your older kids at their activities or going to their assemblies.

You sound a lovely mum OP!

I’m pregnant with my second and I’m already like ‘omg this is the last time I’ll ever have a newborn!’ And baby isn’t even here yet! So I get it.

One thing I will say is that have you thought about the fact you presumably must have had your first as a teen? You’ve never been an adult without dependants and options. This can be daunting and I think you can have ‘tunnel vision’ that having kids and being a mum is ‘what you do’. If that makes sense?

My lovely mum had her first dc at 19 and then had a baby every 5-7 years, so whenever the youngest started school basically. She’s now 56 and only just stopped doing the school run as my youngest brother goes to college!

She did work alongside raising us and had her own house and everything. But she never had a ‘career’ to climb as needed flexibility for childcare and never had many friends outside of kids as limited childcare.

The past few years she’s gone through a serious depression. Her ‘identity’ has gone and she has nothing to focus on so is finding herself in her fifties. She isn’t ‘picking back up’ where she left off with anything as she’s never been a childfree adult. She doesn’t really know herself outside of being a mother and says everything seems ‘pointless’ as raising her kids was her life motivator.

I think if she’d started her family older, even by a few years it would be different. Or if she’d even stopped at 2 kids. I think it’s easier to ‘find yourself’ go to university, start a hobby, forge friendships in your mid-twenties with your whole life ahead of you outside being a mum, than it is in your fifties when your nearing retirement.

I actually think her having kids was a subconscious avoidance tactic to not have to face life in a way. By staying in the great but albeit restrictive ‘mum of small kids’ world. The perfect excuse/reason to not go for promotion, or have time to make new friends outside of kids, or find a path.

I think it is worth considering this OP because the ‘mum of smalls’ will have to stop somewhere and you’ll have to go through it. It may be easier to do in your twenties than later on.

best of luck whichever you decide!

It sounds a bit like you identify only with being a mom (of small children). As you have had them so young, have you worked? Studied? Travelled? Theres so much to do besides sitting home with a baby!
Off course, if this is truly what you want and you can afford it, go for it, but if you want it because you’re scared of a new future, do think a bit longer about it. As even if you have two more children, there will be a time they grow up as well and you’ll find yourself in this moment again.

Go for it! Age gaps don’t really tell you anything and you’ve hardly got huge age gaps (even if you go for a third now) anyway!

12, 5 and 2 here. Works brilliantly, the three a great little gang. Then each set of two gets on great.

DD (12) and DS (5) were a very close twosome so I did worry if a third would get in the way of that but they both adore DD (2).

My siblings and I were all born within 5/6 years, didn’t get on tbh.

So many lovely replies!

I was 20 when I had my first child; I do think that there is a big part of me that has only known being a mummy and that's been my whole adult life so far!

I do work, always have worked full time and it's a bit outing as my job is niche but I am able to still be very present with children.

We do travel fairly regularly, with DC and recently a few city breaks just DH and I. I am lucky to have had a wonderful childhood and supporting family, I am one of four children and I think that contributes to my desire for more children however, my parents had no money concerns so it was very different.

I’ve just got myself into this situation…..

I have 2 ds 7 and 3. And just found out I’m expecting number 3. To be honest it was a complete shock and we had given up trying a long time ago and were content with our lot. However I do believe in fate and although I’m still slightly freaking out I’m starting to accept it’s happening. So mine will be 8 and 4 when baby comes. I’m not too worried about the age gap to be honest, I had the same gap between those two and it’s been fine. Obviously there will be a much bigger gap between eldest and youngest but it’s all dependent on the kids. You could have a tiny age gap and they fight because they are all too similar 🤷🏼‍♀️
At the end of the day if you really want to do it then go for it, but if there is a seed of doubt then really think about what you are doing. Do you actually want a third child? Not just a baby, but a child. If the answer is yes then you will make it work.

You say you’re very maternal, I am as well and would have loved more than the 2 I have but I’ve put all my maternal feelings into my 2, making their life as lovely as I can. Making sure I’ve got time for them despite working. I used to long for a 3rd but they’re 9 and 7 and I’m glad we kept to 2 for their sake as well as mine.

I wouldn’t personally. My nephews are the age yours would be if you had a baby and I just can’t imagine throwing that into their lifestyle as they’re becoming more independent and can do more adventurous things as a family (hiking, cycling, kayaking, they can both swim so holidays by the pool are easier etc). I think it would easily become split parenting of one doing things with the older two and one left holding the baby.

Age gap doesn't really mean closeness my 10 and 3 year old are the closest relationship wise and they are my youngest and oldest but they are both closer in age to the other siblings than each other it's personalitity etc as the 6 and 10 year old fight and argue non stop 🤣

Well my DS is now 3 weeks old, and I have a 7yo (8 in November) and 12yo (13 in January) DDs so I've had a huge gap and a pretty sizable gap between 1 and 2. I was also young when I had my first - 23. So I've been able to spread them out.

I love the fact the older two are at school and are more independent. It's early days but they are still doing their clubs (the eldest in particular is on a vocational dance programme and I'm forever taking her to the studio and back) I've been taking the baby to pick ups and drop offs. He's had to slot in.

I worked out I'll do almost 18 years of primary school runs!! Which is a bit mad but I do love starting all over again.

I’m the youngest of the three with a big age gap between me and my siblings and I also have three children.

go for it! If you enjoyed having children enough so far to be sad they are onto the school phase then you’ll love having another one!

to me that age gap sounds ideal by the way and not that big - any family with 3+ kids will have some bigger age gaps than a family of 2 kids, by the nature of it. But having 3 kids is practically challenging and pretty expensive. Never stop feeling really lucky though as I love it

I have 16yo, 13yo, 8yo and 6yo. I love having two sets of two. It means there's no " two kids and a baby" situation. I had two kids then two babies instead 😂

I grew up in this dynamic but in reverse. I was 6 when my first brother came along, followed by another brother 18 months later. I wouldn’t say the age gap is a problem necessarily & my DM would say that as I was that bit older I enjoyed helping with them both. BUT it did mean the family was split a lot of the time, on a Saturday for example I might be with my DDad doing one thing, while DM had ‘the little ones’ at a soft play or something. On holiday they’d play together while I did my own thing for the most part and so on.

It wasn’t all the time and we did do things together but I still sometimes joke that I grew up an only child in a family with three kids.

There’s no right or wrong answer though, every family dynamic is different.

I felt like this when my youngest was due to start school. I think for those of us who enjoy that baby-toddler stage it's quite common. I still miss having my little sidekick around all day sometimes and she's 10 now!

However, it does get easier. As mentioned, DD is now 10 and I 35, so I definitely won't be starting again ue to increased risks of complications/disability as well as just being beyond that stage. I'm really enjoying her primary school stage though, and she's thriving.

School is only 6 hours of a day, you can still spend loads of time together! Have you got a career you can focus on? I didn't, so I went to university and am now training for a full time 'grown-up' profession, which has made this transition much easier too. I think, as a young mum, it can become your identity quite a bit if you haven't had the chance to build one in adulthood before having children. It's OK to focus on you and find yourself now.

I don’t think the age gap is necessarily an issue. But do you actually want a third child? Do you want to be a family of five, with the extra costs and work and logistical challenges that entails? Or are you grieving the baby and toddler years, and feel you want to experience them again?

I’m not asking to be snarky - I’ve been asking myself the same questions lately and I’ve concluded that for me it’s the latter. I don’t want a third child. I don’t want to be a family of five. What I want is to have the baby and toddler years back again. I can’t, so I need to move forward.

I'm not sure our finances are up to giving three the life we've mapped out for two.... though does life ever go to plan?! 😂

^^I dont want to sound like a mean girl so please take this gently but you have full decision-making power in this and if you cant afford a third and still give the older two everything then you are putting your wants first.

I have 1 by choice. Some days I desperately want another because I'd love to do it all over again but in all honesty being a mum has been the best but the hardest thing ive ever done and the only way i can be the best mum to my child is by not stretching myself thinner. I know that's not a problem for your situation but I wanted you to know that I'm not being mean, I get the whole wanting to do it over and over again thing, but at some point you need to put your head over your heart and grieve the loss of stages that have passed. X

This. You couldn't pay me enough to have another. I absolutely can't wait for my 10mo to grow up. I have an older one who is 7 and soo easy. I think you have forgotten how much hard work it is.

I did similar with no regrets. DS1 and DS2 were 7 and 5.5 when DS3 was born (now 19, 17 and 12). I did find it a little tricky at first because I felt we were a little restricted with activities compared to their friends due to DS3. I have found one of the good things is it makes me appreciate things ie if DS1 and DS2 have grown out of a particular stage and there are things about that stage I miss I appreciate it all the more with DS3.

"I don't view it as being tied down as I LOVE the 0-4 age. I don't mind sleepless nights or nappies or weaning etc. I love playgroups and park trips and having someone come to all my appointments and tag along to coffee dates and school runs. But I know that has to end somewhere and maybe I am just super daunted at the prospect of both my children being at school"

I feel quite sad reading this, as the "always having someone tagging along" I've found incredibly hard.

You obviously find great joy in it and that is to be admired. I feel very sad that I didn't enjoy it in the same way.

I have no family support though, and my kids are quite high needs, so it has always been very difficult.

They are now 7 and 4 and I am approaching 40. I am starting to feel similar to you, although also with the added guilt that overall I found the whole thing very stressful and largely didn't enjoy it.

I adore my kids, but I doubt I could handle a third. I'm so exhausted as it is.

You are young and obviously love it, so seems like you might as well go for it.

Although there is part of me that feels that more than 2 kids is quite excessive these days for environmental reasons.

The baby / small child stage has to come to an end eventually though.