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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I doing enough?

60 replies

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 09:44

I have been living with my partner for the last 3 years but I still have my own house which I’m still paying for. My partner has full custody of his Son who is 13 who doesn’t see his Mum. I don’t feel I’m in a position to give my house up as when me & my partner have arguments he says in anger, “ go home” but then doesn’t like it if I call my house “home” so I don’t feel confident enough to give the house up.
My partner expects me to cook meals for him and his Son as he works long hours (self employed) and this is becoming a “bone of contention” between us. My partner feels like I don’t do enough. I should mention that I have ADHD and I really dislike and struggle with cooking as it stresses me out so much and I feel that he should not expect me to do the cooking (but I do sometimes) I feel it’s his house not mine. I do all the laundry for him and his Son, wash up after all meals, clean the house, (4 bedroom detached, 2 bathrooms, so not small, iron uniforms, sort things out for his Son, parent his Son, take him to his cadets. I also do things for my partner when he asks. The other week, for example I went out of my way to put money in the bank for his business which was in another town. I sort everything out for holidays, Christmas etc. I feel sometimes the only thing I do get out of the relationship is the fact he makes my meals. We don’t get any time on our own as a couple as we always have the child with us, and I accept this. I don’t contribute financially because he won’t take anything and I am still paying for my house. I feel my contribution to the house is doing what I do for him and his Son. I do work myself.

OP posts:

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 14/09/2023 09:48

Move out. Seriously.
He's got the best of both worlds here doesn't he. He has a nanny, cook, house keeper and someone to share a bed with, with no commitment and with an attitude of like it or go home.

Humidititties · 14/09/2023 09:50

Go home, he's using you as a housekeeper - you're better than this

TibetanTerrah · 14/09/2023 09:50

You decide what's 'enough', not him. This is all his baggage, and his responsibility, not yours.

Tbh you both sound like you're half in, half out with this. You're wise to hold onto your own place though, and he's using you for his convenience, but when you put a toe out of line he tells you to fuck off home.

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:02

Thanks for your response. I’ve tried explaining this to him that he’s expecting me to take on responsibility like we’re married. And I feel I do more than enough, I’m not there just to be a skivvy to him and his Son and that I’ve got to get something out of it. He calls me selfish for saying this.

OP posts:

TibetanTerrah · 14/09/2023 10:08

Selfish? What does he do for you? Because from your OP I can only see one selfish one in the relationship and it ain't you!

The only thing is that you don't contribute financially, but why would you/how can you - when he's made it very clear you're nothing more than a guest he can send home when he wants?

Glittertwins · 14/09/2023 10:09

Leave and go back to your own house. You can then reevaluate the relationship as to what you want too.

HelpWhatIf · 14/09/2023 10:11

Good god you need to move back to your house now. He sounds like a grade A twat. I don’t use this term lightly but PLEASE LTB.

thecatinthetwat · 14/09/2023 10:16

Oh dear, what an awful man. He’s very selfish and self-centred. He can’t see your perspective at all which is worrying.

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:16

In fairness to him he pays for meals out etc as he is quite well off. I have offered him money for my being here but he wont take any. Sometimes I will buy him things or I’ll pay for a meal out. I have tried pointing out that I do for him and his son but don’t feel like anything is done for just “me” Yes he cooks me food but he’s cooking it anyway and I’ve also said he’d have alot more to do without me here. His words “he probably wouldn’t notice as it’s so little” I am on the verge of going back to my own house and maybe just seeing him at weekends or giving up the relationship altogether. We always seem to be having the same argument. His brother and friend have both told him he’s being the mug! And I feel like I’m trying to constantly get through to him how much I do and that he won’t be satisfied until I am doing everything to make his life easier.

OP posts:

Catza · 14/09/2023 10:18

Taking on a brunt of the household chores is not a problem in itself if you both agreed to it. I have a similar agreement with my partner who only takes a couple of hundreds from me a month towards bills and pays for all the housing, holidays and days out. This is something we discussed and agreed to. I get to keep all of my salary and I work from home so doing chores in between clients is not an issue for me. However, when my partner did have a cheek to say that he is the one "doing everything", he was given an option to switch. I will pay for the house, he will do the cleaning. And I will behave the same way he does which is leave everything lying around. Not surprisingly, he shut up and never brought it up again.
I also made a rule that my 13 y/o step daughter washes up after every meal on Saturdays and puts her own laundry on. She is big enough to handle this level of responsibility. I also have a rule that our dog is his on the weekend. I don't do any walking or feeding except Mon-Fri when she is with me.
I also do the things for his business like going to a bank, organising transport, dealing with letters but on understanding that this is an occasional favor, not routine.
I also have my own property (albeit abroad) but the mortgage is payed off. Since I work remotely he very well knows that I can up and leave at any moment. This is not to say that I use it as a bargaining chip in the relationship but I think it is important for the man to feel like you have options rather than you being fully dependent on him.
What I would say, however, is that you may need to discuss financial matters. Without minimising your experience, it is quite possible that he is under a lot of pressure bearing the financial responsibility for everyone and it may well improve things if you insists he takes some money to cover the bills. I know that in our situation it made all the difference. When we first moved in together he was a right twat and I considered leaving but as soon as I sat him down and explained that I want to contribute to the household so it feels like it is my home too, he was a different man. Mind you, he never ever told me to go home (probably because he knew I could very easily do that).

TibetanTerrah · 14/09/2023 10:19

Right, well you see by him not taking money it's keeping the power dynamic firmly in place? He's making you feel like you should contribute in non-financial ways i.e. being the skivvy. It's not him being generous, he's leveraging that dynamic to make you feel pressured into helping him non-financially.

Oh, and the saying you do so little it's unnoticeable both devalues what you do do, and makes you feel you should be doing more to 'equal' the lack of financial side.

Gazelda · 14/09/2023 10:20

I bet he tells his brother and friend that he pays for everything and you contribute nothing while he also has to do all the cooking.

He's not kind to you. He doesn't appreciate you. He belittles you. He doesn't see you as a partner. You don't need him. You don't sound happy.

Honestly, you'd be far better off moving back to your home and either see him a couple of times a week or dump him completely.

widowtwankywashroom · 14/09/2023 10:21

You aren't his partner you are his unpaid home help whom he has sex with who occasionally takes you out for a meal to justify it
Read that back several times, is this really what you want/expect from life

meganorks · 14/09/2023 10:24

Well the only way he will see how much you do is you leave and stop doing it. But in all honesty, I can't see why you would want to go back. If he was appreciative of all you do, that would be one thing. But making you his housemaid and constantly criticising shows you all you need to know. LTB!

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:26

@Catza
Thnaks for your input
He is very well off so financial pressure isn’t the problem. I do have options because I’ve still got my own house and also I work remotely. He says go home in anger but then doesn’t want me to go. On occasions, I have gone back to my own house and he doesn’t seem to like that. I just wanted confirmation that I am doing more than enough to contribute to the household which I view as me doing for him and his Son. I have also done things on behalf of his business even though he employs someone to do this for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:29

@meganorks Thank you. Yes I have decided that I am going back to my own house and let him see. I think it’s best if we just see each other more casually or not at all. He is very stressed with the hours he works and all the other things he has to do, his life is chaos and he’s expecting me to relive all the load for him without him trying to make changes himself. Like I’ve explained to him I don’t think he’d be happy until im doing everything.

OP posts:

SeulementUneFois · 14/09/2023 10:30

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 14/09/2023 09:48

This OP.
I know what I'm talking about.
This:
". I don’t feel I’m in a position to give my house up as when me & my partner have arguments he says in anger, “ go home” but then doesn’t like it if I call my house “home” so I don’t feel confident enough to give the house up. "
Is exactly my situation. Only he has thrown me out a couple of times.
(His defense now is "when did I last do that?!" I.e. that he hasn't done it in a while.)

Don't be another one of us.
Please leave him.

Foggyfoggyfoggy · 14/09/2023 10:31

You are nothing more than a glorified nanny /housekeeper op. Get yourself back to your own home.

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:32

@TibetanTerrah Thank you. This is spot on

OP posts:

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:35

@Foggyfoggyfoggy Thank you I think that’s exactly what I will be doing.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 10:40

@SeulementUneFois Thank you. No I won’t be another one. I won’t give him that power by giving my house up. I just don’t want to keep the house on forever paying for a house I don’t stay at but have always kept it for security. I know after posting that the best option is for me to go back to my own house. Maybe stay here at weekends or give up the relationship completely. He’s as nice as nine pence when he thinks I’m taking steps to go back home. I can’t be bothered with the game playing and using the house as threat. I shouldn’t need to do that in a relationship.

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2023 10:49

Was it his idea you move in with him. Move back to yours telling him you need your own space

Original poster

ChandlerJ354 · 14/09/2023 11:00

Bananalanacake · 14/09/2023 10:49

Was it his idea you move in with him. Move back to yours telling him you need your own space

@Bananalanacake I moved in during covid and just ended up staying. He suggested I gave up my house a few times. I don’t mind doing the household stuff but what I do mind his him thinking I don’t do enough and the expectation that I should be the one to cook meals. Especially when you take into account I also do it for his Son.

OP posts:

AffIt · 14/09/2023 11:04

Ha ha ha, nope. Absolutely not.

There are times when it makes sense for one person to do more of x, but it's discussed, agreed on, the other person takes on more of y to balance and most importantly, both partners appreciate each other's contribution and give the required respect and thanks.

You're not getting any of this: as PPs have said, you're essentially a housekeeper with an unpleasant boss.

Go back to your own house asap and if it was me, I'd sack this eejit off entirely, but you may want to continue the r/ship on a more casual basis: up to you.

herewegoagainfriends · 14/09/2023 11:05

Go home. The power dynamic is wrong as it is, and by convincing you to give up your house, he'll trap you into feeling like you have no options other to stay when things get even worse.

Of course he doesn't like it when you go home. He has to then actually look after his child himself and clean and his own house.

You could consider dating him without living together to see if he's more tolerable that way, but I would be surprised if he was.

PS You deserve more than this.

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