Am I doing enough?

[ChandlerJ354]

I have been living with my partner for the last 3 years but I still have my own house which I’m still paying for. My partner has full custody of his Son who is 13 who doesn’t see his Mum. I don’t feel I’m in a position to give my house up as when me & my partner have arguments he says in anger, “ go home” but then doesn’t like it if I call my house “home” so I don’t feel confident enough to give the house up.
My partner expects me to cook meals for him and his Son as he works long hours (self employed) and this is becoming a “bone of contention” between us. My partner feels like I don’t do enough. I should mention that I have ADHD and I really dislike and struggle with cooking as it stresses me out so much and I feel that he should not expect me to do the cooking (but I do sometimes) I feel it’s his house not mine. I do all the laundry for him and his Son, wash up after all meals, clean the house, (4 bedroom detached, 2 bathrooms, so not small, iron uniforms, sort things out for his Son, parent his Son, take him to his cadets. I also do things for my partner when he asks. The other week, for example I went out of my way to put money in the bank for his business which was in another town. I sort everything out for holidays, Christmas etc. I feel sometimes the only thing I do get out of the relationship is the fact he makes my meals. We don’t get any time on our own as a couple as we always have the child with us, and I accept this. I don’t contribute financially because he won’t take anything and I am still paying for my house. I feel my contribution to the house is doing what I do for him and his Son. I do work myself.

I still think you are selling yourself short. You have assumed the responsibilities of wife and de facto mother, without any hope of marriage. After 7 years you could reasonably have expectations of marrying him. I suspect he is protecting his money by kindly not expecting you to pay towards the mortgage, yet you are an unpaid housekeeper and nanny allowing him to make lots of money by supporting him.

On the other hand, you don’t mention love, romance to sex much in your post. Really not sure you are the winner here.

This

All the 'who gets what' out of the relationship seems to be about who does the work, who pays for what. Do you love him, is he loving towards you? Would you miss him? Do you fancy him? Because it sounds like you are doing an awful lot for someone who you don't feel romantic towards or even lust after.

I think this is a good plan. Many posters will tell you you're wrong, but I think an ultimatum can make things clearer. Especially if up until now he's pushed back against any resistance from you, and your response has been to resist less.

You have challenged him to treat you as an equal, or nothing at all. While some posters may see this is the bare minimum you should expect in a relationship, after 7 years I can totally see why you would give him a chance by expressing what you need clearly, and leaving the ball in his court to step up, or set you free.

All I will say is please ensure you stick to it, if he says 'go home' - do and don't come back or engage. He knows the consequences of saying that, so it goes from a habit to a choice. Ditto with moaning you don't do 'enough'.

You can always update this thread 2-3 months down the line and people here will support you whatever happens

Why do you assume everyone wants to get married? I don't and given that my partner (and hers) runs his own business, marriage is just not going to happen as legally joining assets with a sole trader is just crazy thinking.

@MeinKraft is spot on.

You talk in terms of money and chores yet precious little about feelings, love, being together...

Giving ultimatums rarely works. You'll both be on your mettles the whole time til one of you snaps under the stress of it all.

He's shown you his character already.

@AgentProvocateur I do love him yes, that’s why I’m still here trying to find a resolution and needed confirmation that I am doing more than enough. Yes I still fancy him and I know he loves me he just has issues as I do, I think down to his upbringing. I can be challenging and I think after speaking to him he says “go home” because he cannot deal with any confrontation. I’m not a very romantic person and neither is he. I’ve accepted that I’ve taken on someone who has a child and they come as a package. We quite often walk our dog together and go for meals on our own. I also accept that he had very little time due to his business. I think he now does believe I do enough and I feel I got my point across and he feels guilty for making me feel the way he did by saying my contribution didn’t count as I did so little. We will see, if he does it again I really am gone. I said once I make the decision it will be too late and there will be no way back, ever. I know I’m under no obligation to do things for his Son but I know it makes life a little easier for him, but he has to appreciate it as even if I did nothing else parenting his child is the most important thing I could be doing.

@Butterkist8

I do love him but the problems we were having is that he doesn’t appreciate my contributions and expects more. I have made it clear I won’t be doing anything more than I already do. I know he loves me. We just seemed to have built up resentment about who does what and him thinking I didn’t do much because it wasn’t what he wanted me to be doing. He now accepts my point after we sat down and talked without arguing. I read him the comments from this post.
It’s up to him now. If he does it again there won’t even be a discussion. But I feel I need to give it a chance. We shall see.

@Chunkyspunkymunkey

I didn’t mention love etc as I didn’t think it was relevant. I just wanted confirmation that I was doing more than enough. We do love each other because believe me we would not be together. I have no wishes to get married. And like @Catza mentioned he has his own business and also quite wealthy. He would be putting a lot at risk if he got married to someone with very unequal finances. He’s heard too many stories of marriages breaking up and the wealthy one has lost a lot. I accept he has a child and I’m more than willing to help. I don’t mind the housework as I don’t contribute financially. What I don’t like was him saying that I didn’t do enough which was being reinforced by his brother and friend, he then started resenting me for it. I have pointed out to him, that because he’s busy with his business etc then he should not be expecting me to take up the slack with everything else. It’s up to him to make changes to free up time when it comes to his working hours. This is also something he has been trying to do by taking on someone who can do his job, this is proving difficult. He at present works 12-13 hours days 5 days a week then works on a Saturday usually all day, he is under alot of stress. But like I’ve said to him, he’d have more to do if I wasn’t here doing it all. I’m going away soon abroad without him so will probably be an eye opener. We shall see.

@TibetanTerrah Thank you.🥰Overall he is a decent man. It happened when we had an argument him saying I didn’t do enough and he is under stress but I’ve made it clear that’s not my problem. But without a doubt, if it does happen I’m gone for good. Once I make the decision and I go, I’ve told him there will be no going back and I think he knows me well enough to know I mean it. I know he feels bad about it because of how he behaved last night. I think he thought they were just words he said when he was angry, but I told him he’s not understanding how that makes me feel and how much resentment that creates, even when said in anger I still believe it.