Am I doing enough?

[ChandlerJ354]

I have been living with my partner for the last 3 years but I still have my own house which I’m still paying for. My partner has full custody of his Son who is 13 who doesn’t see his Mum. I don’t feel I’m in a position to give my house up as when me & my partner have arguments he says in anger, “ go home” but then doesn’t like it if I call my house “home” so I don’t feel confident enough to give the house up.
My partner expects me to cook meals for him and his Son as he works long hours (self employed) and this is becoming a “bone of contention” between us. My partner feels like I don’t do enough. I should mention that I have ADHD and I really dislike and struggle with cooking as it stresses me out so much and I feel that he should not expect me to do the cooking (but I do sometimes) I feel it’s his house not mine. I do all the laundry for him and his Son, wash up after all meals, clean the house, (4 bedroom detached, 2 bathrooms, so not small, iron uniforms, sort things out for his Son, parent his Son, take him to his cadets. I also do things for my partner when he asks. The other week, for example I went out of my way to put money in the bank for his business which was in another town. I sort everything out for holidays, Christmas etc. I feel sometimes the only thing I do get out of the relationship is the fact he makes my meals. We don’t get any time on our own as a couple as we always have the child with us, and I accept this. I don’t contribute financially because he won’t take anything and I am still paying for my house. I feel my contribution to the house is doing what I do for him and his Son. I do work myself.

Even if you were married you shouldn't be doing more than half, and less than half when it homes to his son.
If your house is sitting there empty go home for a bit. And stop doing everything! Working longer hours is no train gif him to shirk all household responsibilities.

@AffIt Thank you for your input. 😊
Totally agree, I get no appreciation for what I actually do. I say to him “good luck finding someone else to put up with this if we split up” I used to see him just at weekends mainly as my Son was living with me then. He’s grown up now at uni. We have been together 7 years. It worked better when I wasn’t expected to take on the responsibility of his busy life and child. I think I will be going home. Unless by showing him these comments there is a very small chance he will see that he is actually in the wrong and change his behaviour. I believe I do more than enough to contribute to the “relationship”

@mondaytosunday Thank you

my house is empty at present but my sister is in the process of selling hers and moving into mine for some time until she finds a suitable home. I just don’t want to keep having the same arguments with him, justifying what I do. He has no time at all to parent his Son it’s me that does it. The child tells lies and needs to be watched like a hawk or as soon as your backs turned he’s up to no good. He runs circles around his Dad because hes too busy with running a business. Or he would be on his own a lot if I wasn’t here. I think he would go down the wrong road so to speak. I do things for his Son but partner thinks that should be a given. Never any appreciation.

Go home. Dump the so-called partner. Share your house with your sister while she needs to. You're mad to put up with this. You're being used.

Even if you were married it's not your responsibility to do everything in the house and for his son. He sounds horrid!

Another voice saying go home, let him live in chaos and shoulder full responsibility for home and parenting for a bit and then have another conversation about who contributes what to the relationship. Seven years is a long time to be together so presumably he has some good points? But perhaps it works better for you to live separately and see him on your terms.

If the13yr old is 'up to no good' now then get out before his bad behaviour worsens and becomes viewed as your fault.

LTB

This!!

He thinks he’s got a full time maid. Don’t keep accepting this. You are worth much more than he thinks. Move out and return to your house, when he protests for losing his maid remind him he repeatedly tells you to “go home”.

I’ve tried explaining this to him that he’s expecting me to take on responsibility like we’re married.

Even if you were married, his expectations that you do basically everything, including parenting his child, would be completely unreasonable. He's treating you like dirt. Please end this relationship; it's not going to improve.

Go back home for a while and then he might see exactly what you do do. My DH doesn’t see a lot of what I do (as I mostly just get on with things) and I’ve said to him That he would only know if I was not here!

It might be the kick up the bum he needs.

His brother and friends say he's been taken for a mug?

I assume that he told you this, not them? Because unless you hear it direct it is bollocks. Never hear someone saying that their relatives/friends have told me I'm a selfish, greedy, lazy twat.

Just to clarify I don’t do the cooking he does, this is one of the things creating the issue. He’s expecting me to. He does the food shopping even though I’ve offered and he cooks but we tent to eat out alot too which he pays for. But I have offered money for my being here but I see all the other things I do as my contribution.

The poor DS is running circles around you both because he's probably just trying to get his dad's attention. You should NOT be parenting him, you are NOT a maid or housewife so please pack up today and go back to your own house life's too short to put up with that sort of shit.

@lechatnoir The son has done so many things including helping himself to over £1000 of his Dads money buying stuff on Fortnite game when he was about 9. Was taking his debit card, partner never checked his bank much then (does now!) the child tells lies constantly and just basically doing the wrong thing when he’s not being watched but he gets caught out usually by me. Mum doesn’t see him at all. He was used to getting away with murder because no one was parenting him. Partner never wanted children but child’s mother got pregnant. (He should of not taken her word that she was on pill) Granted he’s took him and did the right thing but partner has always been more interested in his business hence why he didn’t want children. I feel like I have to parent child because no one else does. I’ve already brought 2 up and when the relationship started child wasn’t with him all the time. (He was with the mum 3 nights a week)

He sounds like a selfish arsehole who's just using you. I would run a mile!

@DinoMummsy Yes he is very selfish but doesn’t see himself like that. He’s quite a nice bloke does have some qualities but I’m starting to see his true colours. The first few years we were together I used to just come and stay then go home to my Son. Easier for me to go to him because he always had his child. Everything seems to be his way and I’ve just had to fit into his life.

Bloody hell love, go home and find someone who wants a relationship and not a housekeeper.

It's a terribly nice thing of you to parent a child and I am reluctant to say this because MN seems to have problems with either treating stepchildren as one's own or not (depending on the local weather) but in this instance I would not be a default parent. Not because the child seems troublesome (let's face it anyone would be if they were essentially dumped by both parents) but because your partner doesn't take any responsibility for parenting at all. "I do it just because nobody else would" is not a good enough reason to carry this by yourself. He needs to step up and parent or find an alternative arrangement - relatives, back to mum's, whatever. This is not on you.
The more I think about your relationship the more I want to cancel my earlier post and just say move back to your own house and take a pause. Your partner won't like it but it is no longer your concern. Don't do it as a result of an argument, just tell him you both need to take time to think about the current arrangement and you are going to move home for now and let things settle.

He's got a housekeeper, nanny and general dogsbody he can shag. What a deal for him! And if his servant acts up, he tells her she's selfish to get her back in line. Awful, truly awful.

Leave and don't go back. He doesn't appreciate you or respect you, which means he doesn't love you. You deserve much more.

Heavens no, yanbu

Hello everyone. Thank you so much for your responses.

Ive spoken to my partner tonight and gave him the ultimatum. He either changes and starts to recognise and appreciate my value in this relationship or I’m gone and won’t look back. I am not prepared to do more than I’m already doing for the “team” as he calls us. I told him I’ve posted on here and read out all your valued responses, which he seems to of taken onboard. He is a good man but has old fashioned views which are fed by equally old fashioned people around him telling him what I should be doing because they’re overgrown babies. He is a workaholic and I again told him this is his choice to work the hours he does, but to not make that my responsibility. I also reiterated, that if he ever says to me again I don’t do enough, I’m gone and will show him what doing it on his own really feels like when he doesn’t have me supporting him.

He’s in last chance saloon now. I’m giving him 3 months to improve. I’m just glad I kept my house. I’m going away next month abroad with my Sister and I think this alone will give him a wake up call that I am starting to break free, as since meeting him I stopped going on hols with my sister and instead went with him and his Son.

He’s hit the jackpot - a free maid and nanny who he also gets to have sex with! What do YOU get out of the relationship, apart from some meals?

@AgentProvocateur I do get things from the relationship. He pays for holidays and anything we do together and he does show that he cares for me, But he is selfish in a lot of ways. He’s not the type who goes off and does his own thing much and he’s happy for me to do things independent of him. I feel that I should get more out of it than I am doing. It just seems to be resentment growing on both sides, he feels like I should do more to support him, and I say I do enough already and other than cook my meals and pay what does he do for me? But time is something he doesn’t have. I tell him I’m not in this relationship for the good of my health I need to feel that it benefits me too and anything I am doing he needs to appreciate it and that I’m not under obligation to do it. I read him the comments tonight and I think it really shocked him and he’s admitted that he’s been out of order by saying (when we argue) that I don’t do enough. I’ve made it clear that his responsibilities shouldn’t be mine, and if he doesn’t start recognising my efforts with him and his son I’m going. I appreciate he is under alot of stress with his business and this is something I’ve always accepted in the years we’ve been together. I don’t mind doing the housework etc as I work far less hours than him and I don’t contribute financially. He just needed to realise that everything I do do for him and his son is taken onboard and appreciated far more than what he was doing. The issue was he was telling me I wasn’t doing enough. I have now given him an ultimatum. If he ever says it again or says “go home” when we fall out, I am gone for good. And I’m a woman of my word.