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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I say something?

56 replies

Darknode · 13/09/2023 18:15

I wouldn't normally get involved in other people's business but I'm not sure if I should say or do something about this.

In my office, a couple of people had an affair and its all got a bit much and I'm not sure if things are needing some kind of intervention.

It was all a bit unorthodox . She
seemed infatuated with him from her first day and followed him around like a puppy (bit uncomfortable as he seemed to be quite obviously not keen). I remember being a bit suprised that anything happened at all because on work nights out he seemed to be leaning away and so on.

Anyway, I think it was a bit one sided but ended up becoming sexual as I understand it, and right away the drama of it was carried over into work. I'm really not sure what went on but there was lots of tears in toilets and so on and I felt it was quite inappropriate and made everyone uncomfortable, but fine. Thought it would blow over.

The gist is he has a girlfriend and wants the girlfriend but the female doesn't want to accept that and is having a lot of public meltdowns saying she loves him blah blah. I understand the female contacted the girlfriend and told her (gaaahhh) so all quite unpleasant.

Anyway, as well as the tears and general disruption, the male colleague requested to end contact but the female won't accept this so she's constantly going into his office (20 times a day? and coming out crying) and is apparently calling his home and sending letters and so on.

This has gone on for around four months and isn't lessening and the male colleague looks visibly ill and has had a few stress related absences. He's always been quite quiet and hadn't said much.

This doesn't fall in the realm of normal does it? Im not sure if I should say something to get some help or boundaries put in place. I have tried gently talking to her but it has no effect.

OP posts:

itsmylife7 · 13/09/2023 18:20

Who are you in this affair ?

Actions have consequences...leave them to sort it out.

Original poster

Darknode · 13/09/2023 18:22

I'm a member of the team. I just feel a bit like the boss needs to know and have a word? But I dont want to make things worse.

OP posts:

WunWun · 13/09/2023 18:23

YABU to refer to her as "the female"

Unless you line manager either of them I would stay out of it.

Original poster

Darknode · 13/09/2023 18:24

I called them the male and female. Not sure why that's unreasonable?

OP posts:

XenoBitch · 13/09/2023 18:25

If it causing disruption in the workplace, then I would say something. But the guy in this mess really ought to be the one doing it.

Ponderence · 13/09/2023 18:26

Their behaviour is absolutely not normal no. I don’t know how you would get involved and how you mmwouod make things better or would you just get dragged into it.

presumably the guy’s had the girlfrliend all along but yeah her behaviour is way over the top

Original poster

Darknode · 13/09/2023 18:27

Hmm. Maybe the easiest answer is to gently suggest he does that.

OP posts:

pilates · 13/09/2023 18:27

Yes, it needs to be brought to the attention of the boss as it’s disrupting the working environment.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 13/09/2023 18:29

I think if it was the female member of staff being harassed by the male member of staff someone would already have spoken up...

It's affecting the work environment and her behaviour is breaking his established boundaries. You should speak up

Nevermind31 · 13/09/2023 18:32

He could raise a grievance that she is sexually harassing him.

Createausername1970 · 13/09/2023 18:32

I would stay out of it "officially" but I might have a chat with the chap to check he is OK and offer a bit of moral support.

He was totally at fault by having a fling when he already had a girlfriend, I am not glossing over that aspect, but a lot of us do things we later regret and benefit from second chances. And from what you have said, the other party seems a bit relentless and actually sounds rather over dramatic, and wouldn't take no for an answer, so I think there is wrong on both sides.

It would be interesting to know, as the the other party is fairly new to the company, what were the circumstances surrounding the departure from the previous employment. Not that you can do anything about it if it does turn out to be par for the course.

Testina · 13/09/2023 18:34

Why hasn’t their boss (same person?) already noticed her going into his office 20 times a day?
All sounds a bit far fetched.
She sounds awful, but finding it hard to muster much sympathy for him and his stress and his wandering cock.

Toseland · 13/09/2023 18:39

Well he's being taught a lesson but he seems unable to do anything about it (some people might say it's Karma for cheating!) and she seems like she could do with a distraction of some kind (get your boss to hire a hunky guy for a project!) and perhaps a visit to the doctors for the obsessive behaviour? It's hard for you to have to put up with it all though so 💐

PinkFrogss · 13/09/2023 18:44

What makes you think the boss hasn’t noticed it?

It reads a little bit like you’re the girlfriend and being spun a line tbh.

AllMyExesWearRolexes · 13/09/2023 18:53

Try minding your own business, it's fun, you'll like it...

towriteyoumustlive · 13/09/2023 18:59

He needs to make a complaint about her to his boss.

She sounds mentally deranged so a complaint might not be enough. It's bordering on harassment!

He needs to be firm with her and tell her to stop harassing him, and threaten to contact the police if she persists. He also needs to make sure he has a witness present in this discussion!

Ladyj84 · 13/09/2023 19:00

If your not a manager then you can't be involved. Either way don't make your male colleague the saint he is totally in the wrong if he had a gf!

Original poster

Darknode · 13/09/2023 19:02

Our boss doesn't work in the office at all. I'm not really into the ins and outs, but I'm just not sure if this is what young people do or if it's better to be professional.

OP posts:

FabFitFifties · 13/09/2023 19:06

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 13/09/2023 18:29

I think if it was the female member of staff being harassed by the male member of staff someone would already have spoken up...

It's affecting the work environment and her behaviour is breaking his established boundaries. You should speak up

This

parietal · 13/09/2023 19:11

He should put a complaint of harassment into HR and she should be out on leave then sacked. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and just because he reciprocated once does not mean he has to put up with her.

MeAgainPeeps · 13/09/2023 19:12

The answer to this is...

DONT SHIT WHERE YOU EAT.
alternatively,
DONT SHIT ON YOUR OWN DOORSTEP.

Everyone knows you never shag a colleagues.

Her behaviour sounds very stalker like. It's not normal and she needs to catch a grip. If its impacting on you then I personally wouldn't hesitate to throw them both under the bus.

Original poster

Darknode · 13/09/2023 19:15

I didn't really feel that was appropriate given it is a personal relationship, the ins and outs of which I don't know beyond snippets (and don't want to know) so certainly wouldn't want to make anyones life more difficult but I was just thinking maybe a polite reminder to keep personal drama out of work would be good. Wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable to think there's a time and a place.

OP posts:

RamsesTheChub · 13/09/2023 19:26

No easy solution here, but if it's so blatant maybe mention it to them (particularly the, ahem, stalker) and that it's affecting the business. If she/they continue, perhaps gotta report it.

Whatever you do is going to be wrong in someone's eyes I'm afraid. They (both of them) should not have put their colleagues in this position - as someone said, don't shit on your own doorstep - but it's also a natural part of life.

RockAndRollerskate · 13/09/2023 19:31

If you turn it on its head and a man was harassing a woman like this then there’d be way more uproar.

No, he shouldn’t have shagged her, but either way she shouldn’t be harassing (stalking?) him.

If this happened to one of my team members, I’d appreciate the heads up as their LM to offer support. Perhaps they already know, or perhaps the victim needs someone to open the door for them and let them know it’s not Ok

OhcantthInkofaname · 13/09/2023 19:32

If it's disrupting the entire workplace then someone needs to say something to their manager

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