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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should I say something?

56 replies

Darknode · 13/09/2023 18:15

I wouldn't normally get involved in other people's business but I'm not sure if I should say or do something about this.

In my office, a couple of people had an affair and its all got a bit much and I'm not sure if things are needing some kind of intervention.

It was all a bit unorthodox . She
seemed infatuated with him from her first day and followed him around like a puppy (bit uncomfortable as he seemed to be quite obviously not keen). I remember being a bit suprised that anything happened at all because on work nights out he seemed to be leaning away and so on.

Anyway, I think it was a bit one sided but ended up becoming sexual as I understand it, and right away the drama of it was carried over into work. I'm really not sure what went on but there was lots of tears in toilets and so on and I felt it was quite inappropriate and made everyone uncomfortable, but fine. Thought it would blow over.

The gist is he has a girlfriend and wants the girlfriend but the female doesn't want to accept that and is having a lot of public meltdowns saying she loves him blah blah. I understand the female contacted the girlfriend and told her (gaaahhh) so all quite unpleasant.

Anyway, as well as the tears and general disruption, the male colleague requested to end contact but the female won't accept this so she's constantly going into his office (20 times a day? and coming out crying) and is apparently calling his home and sending letters and so on.

This has gone on for around four months and isn't lessening and the male colleague looks visibly ill and has had a few stress related absences. He's always been quite quiet and hadn't said much.

This doesn't fall in the realm of normal does it? Im not sure if I should say something to get some help or boundaries put in place. I have tried gently talking to her but it has no effect.

OP posts:
TregunaMekoides · 14/09/2023 14:28

Her behaviour is persistent unwanted attention and is harassment.
Regardless of what has happened previously, he's made it clear it is over so he needs to report her to HR.
if I were you I would speak to him (if you get on with him) and recommend he do that.

Janieforever · 14/09/2023 14:32

Honestly I’d stay out of it, it’s up to him to deal with it.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/09/2023 14:38

I disagree with PP in the tone of 'they've had an affair now it's on them to sort out' ie they almost deserve it.

Whatever affair they've had, it's not OK to be effectively continually stalked / talked about / harassed at work and he doesn't deserve this to the point of being off with stress. She needs to leave him alone.

Is he her boss / more senior than her and would any kind of relationship have needed to be disclosed? If yes I'm not sure what approach I'd take. If no then I'd maybe speak to him about reporting it to HR. Being interrupted 20 times a day by someone about non work related matters is not OK.

MillionDollarCouch · 14/09/2023 14:41

Saying 'the female colleague' would be fine. Referring to her as just 'the female' makes her sound like an animal. You call him 'the male colleague', not 'the male'. Using male and female as adjectives is ok but using them as nouns for human beings isn’t at all.

HollaWithDaRisinSound · 14/09/2023 14:44

I do not like how the onus is being put on her as some kind of thirsty woman who trapped a hapless man entirely against his will.

This negative attitude about women, from women - is just ugly

Sorry, but he is the one in a relationship, he is an absolute twat for getting in to this situation

And no, you certainly should not 'say something' - not your business

divinededacende · 14/09/2023 15:02

HollaWithDaRisinSound · 14/09/2023 14:44

I do not like how the onus is being put on her as some kind of thirsty woman who trapped a hapless man entirely against his will.

This negative attitude about women, from women - is just ugly

Sorry, but he is the one in a relationship, he is an absolute twat for getting in to this situation

And no, you certainly should not 'say something' - not your business

Edited

It doesn't make sense to back people to the hilt out of gender solidarity in every instance. Bad behavior is bad behavior.

I don't think there's any question that he's a daft twat but the consequences of his action should be in his relationship with his girlfriend and possibly his reputation in the workplace. What's happening here is unreasonable behavior no matter the gender. At least, on the surface of the post. I'm sure there's a lot of detail missing that the OP doesn't know so we'll never be able to judge on anything other than these basic facts.

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