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Original poster

Should I say something?

56 replies

Darknode · 13/09/2023 18:15

I wouldn't normally get involved in other people's business but I'm not sure if I should say or do something about this.

In my office, a couple of people had an affair and its all got a bit much and I'm not sure if things are needing some kind of intervention.

It was all a bit unorthodox . She
seemed infatuated with him from her first day and followed him around like a puppy (bit uncomfortable as he seemed to be quite obviously not keen). I remember being a bit suprised that anything happened at all because on work nights out he seemed to be leaning away and so on.

Anyway, I think it was a bit one sided but ended up becoming sexual as I understand it, and right away the drama of it was carried over into work. I'm really not sure what went on but there was lots of tears in toilets and so on and I felt it was quite inappropriate and made everyone uncomfortable, but fine. Thought it would blow over.

The gist is he has a girlfriend and wants the girlfriend but the female doesn't want to accept that and is having a lot of public meltdowns saying she loves him blah blah. I understand the female contacted the girlfriend and told her (gaaahhh) so all quite unpleasant.

Anyway, as well as the tears and general disruption, the male colleague requested to end contact but the female won't accept this so she's constantly going into his office (20 times a day? and coming out crying) and is apparently calling his home and sending letters and so on.

This has gone on for around four months and isn't lessening and the male colleague looks visibly ill and has had a few stress related absences. He's always been quite quiet and hadn't said much.

This doesn't fall in the realm of normal does it? Im not sure if I should say something to get some help or boundaries put in place. I have tried gently talking to her but it has no effect.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 13/09/2023 19:33

"female" makes you sound like an incel, tbh. Don't do that. Tell the boss. That is it.

Beautiful3 · 13/09/2023 19:35

I'd speak to the boss. They need to deal with it because it's affecting work and other people. I'm suprised you haven't said anything yet?

RamsesTheChub · 13/09/2023 19:45

Brefugee · 13/09/2023 19:33

"female" makes you sound like an incel, tbh. Don't do that. Tell the boss. That is it.

Odd thing to focus on. What does referring to the 'male' mean?

addicteetopawpatrol · 13/09/2023 19:49

F

Brefugee · 13/09/2023 19:50

Use of the word "female" is what incels do in their post.

it isn't the main focus of what i wrote which was tell the manager and get it stopped.
(referring to "male" is equally incel-like. HTH)

Brefugee · 13/09/2023 19:51

addicteetopawpatrol · 13/09/2023 19:49

F

you can "watch the thread" by clicking the button. No need for this

Fallingthroughclouds · 13/09/2023 19:52

Will a complaint be him hold any weight? He snagged her then dumped her whilst having a girlfriend. It's pretty inappropriate work behaviour. As for your involvement I would keep well away.

RamsesTheChub · 13/09/2023 20:04

Brefugee · 13/09/2023 19:50

Use of the word "female" is what incels do in their post.

it isn't the main focus of what i wrote which was tell the manager and get it stopped.
(referring to "male" is equally incel-like. HTH)

Incels say male & female too, very helpful indeed. Thanks.

pictoosh · 13/09/2023 20:27

Well it looks like she made herself available and he took advantage. I bet he regrets that now that she's making a pest of herself.

I wouldn't want this weird crap going on around me at work. Not sure what I'd do. Ignore it as much as possible I suppose, unless the guy needs support to make a complaint against her. She sounds relentless and scary.

mushroomushroom · 13/09/2023 20:34

He is never referred to as "the male" whereas she is referred to as "the female" three times. It does read very incel, and OP clearly dislikes the woman.

RamsesTheChub · 13/09/2023 20:48

Are we reading the same post? It refers to male colleague at least twice. I suppose it doesn't matter in grand scheme of things.

WorkCleanRepeat · 13/09/2023 20:49

I'd mention it to your line Manager. I've dealt with similar instances in the past. In my experience there usually needs to be a conversation had.

mushroomushroom · 13/09/2023 20:54

RamsesTheChub · 13/09/2023 20:48

Are we reading the same post? It refers to male colleague at least twice. I suppose it doesn't matter in grand scheme of things.

He gets referred to as "the male colleague", she gets referred to as "the female". They read very differently to one another. If it had been the other way around it would also be weird, "the female colleague" and "the male". You'll almost never see it written that way though, men always get their humanity. Once you start noticing it it's hard to un-see. Mega incel vibes.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 13/09/2023 20:58

Weird obsession with the use of male and female...

And a lot of victim blaming

RamsesTheChub · 13/09/2023 21:01

Perhaps you're right, thanks. I assumed the context was OP isn't impressed with the woman because she called man's partner and kept going to his office despite being asked to keep her distance. I guess you're wondering if that's being exaggerated (in incelled up so to speak)? Maybe we'll find out...

Original poster
Darknode · 13/09/2023 21:06

For goodness sake, I used male and female as the easiest way of saying it. I'm a 61 year old married woman, not an incel. I am not impressed with either of them, but he is keeps to himself. I honestly don't mind in any way what a pair of 20 somethings do in their spare time, I just mind that it's become quite unpleasant to go to work.

Thank you for the replies, I think a great suggestion is to speak to them both and say no more personal things coming into work or I will have to speak to the boss. I am considerably older than both, so this might well do the trick without further action.

OP posts:
WunWun · 13/09/2023 22:13

Right, but it's fairly well known that referring to a woman as a female goes hand in hand with misogyny isn't it? Unless you're living under a rock?

I have called someone out recently on here for referring to a guy at work who had done something they didn't like as "a male". Neither are ever used except in a derogatory way

WunWun · 13/09/2023 22:13

Reducing someone to their gender rather than a person

WunWun · 13/09/2023 22:14

The easiest way to say it would have been "the woman"

Original poster
Darknode · 13/09/2023 22:16

This is literally the first time anyone has ever told me in my life that is it derogatory to refer to a man and woman as male and female. Never heard this before in my life, and just asked my husband and he hasn't either. Sorry! Going to bed now!

OP posts:
WunWun · 13/09/2023 22:21

You would refer to someone as a male or a female if you were specifically referring to their gender, i.e. "they are female". When have you ever heard anyone referred to as "the female" other than in a nature documentary or perhaps on The Bill?

WunWun · 13/09/2023 22:24

If English is your first language then I can guarantee that you've never in your life in
a face to face conversation recounted a story about two people at work and called them "the female" or "the male"

determinedtomakethiswork · 13/09/2023 22:32

I would definitely speak to the man and ask if he was okay. He can't possibly be doing his work properly if she is coming into the room so many times and he will then be at risk of losing his job. She's doing even less work than he is. How is the work divided up? Is it noticeable that they are doing less?

Nomad916 · 13/09/2023 22:34

Irrespective of what he's done, she's harassing him now. It's an HR issue.

divinededacende · 14/09/2023 14:20

Hard to say. Most of the information you have is disjointed snippets so I'm guessing your not particularly close to either of them. Is your problem is with the situation itself and her behavior towards him? If so, I'd keep out of it. You don't have any skin in the game here. It's their issue. You can have a quiet word of warning/support to either of them if you think it would help but that's about it.

If your problem is with the residual drama and disruption in the office from her outbursts then you're perfectly entitled to raise it with someone. Everyone's entitled to a comfortable and professional working environment. As long as you're prepared for the consequences. From your post, it seems her behavior is completely unreasonable but, if it becomes an official 'thing', he might not come off unscathed either. Even if it's just reputationally.

Say something or don't, I don't think you'd be unreasonable either way. It's really down to what outcome you're hoping for and for what purpose.