People in couples who only say ‘we’

[kerrypacker]

I’m sure lots of people have had the experience of making friends with somebody when you are both single, they then get into a relationship and start to talk about themselves as ‘we’ rather than ‘I’. It’s understandable and inevitable in some contexts if the relationship is a serious one, as they are sharing lots of aspects of their lives. However I do notice that some friends (still in happy relationships) seem more able than others to carry on talking about themselves as ‘I’ as well as ‘we’. It’s not just about word choice but state of mind, the relationship doesn’t become their whole identity.

AIBU to be a bit put off by friends who seemingly can only or mostly say ‘we’? Of course I understand that their relationship is very important to them, and of course I make effort to be friendly and do some things with their DP as well… but at the end of the day I made friends with an individual, not a unit. If the individual doesn’t exist any more, then tbh I’m not sure the the friendship does either.

YABU - once you’re in a couple you only exist as a we, get used to it

YANBU - it’s offputting

Just laugh and ask who they’re timesharing a brain cell with.

Can you give some examples OP?

I don’t quite understand what you mean?

Surely if they are talking about something they’ve done with their partner or about something they are planning to do with their partner they will of course use the word ‘we’ ?!

I always think "We're pregnant" sounds a bit strange

I voted Yabu but not because of the reason you gave. I use I and we depending on the context of the conversation and which is more appropriate.

I am going to work tomorrow.
We are going to the pub afterwards.

Makes perfect sense, surely?

If you mean things like "oh we only like modern kitchens or we don't like stable doors" then I find that quite pathetic. As if you lose your identity and can't think for yourself. Nauseating.

I find it very twee .. unless it's a very specific comment ie; we are doing X.
You see it on here as well, I find it really irritating unless the couple are completely joined at the hip and don't do anything independently.
Absolutely hate 'we're pregnant'.

marshmallow - exactly .. you often see it on the holiday threads. 'Oh we really don't do AI holidays'. Even if you have exactly the same taste in holidays as your DP why not just say 'I don't like AI holidays'?

I don't agree with either of your options, really. I don't find it off-putting, but of course people in couples are still individuals.

Sometimes I say 'we' because we make decisions and plans together, accomplish things through joint effort, etc. If I'm talking about my person opinion or something just about me, however, I wouldn't say 'we'. If your friends are doing that, then I'd agree: Yes, that's odd. Otherwise, you may be overthinking it.

But if they were buying a house together and one person was being asked about their house preferences, it’s only naturally they would say ‘we don’t like…..” or “we really like….” because it’s something they are doing together, they’re choosing a house together.

It would be a different matter if a woman was buying a house for herself and when asked what kind of house she was after she started using “we like…” or “we don’t like….” as really her partners likes and dislikes shouldn’t make any difference about her choices.

Can you provide examples?

I would say we as in we're going camping this weekend, we're thinking of getting a new kitchen.
I would use I for things I think or do, so I'm going town tomorrow. I'm enjoying this TV series

I do hate6 we're pregnant with a passion. We're having a baby is fine, but your not both pregnant

I use "we" when I'm talking about myself sometimes. Or refers to whoever may have been there at that point in time.

"When we were young" - I'm not insinuating you were there too

Yeah for decor or house I might use we because it's a shared decision. I might love a bright green wallpaper but if Dh hates it then it's pointless. I might say we because that's probably something we've discussed and essentially worked out something that we both like.

It would be weird if I said we like this is it's something just for me, but something you've specifically planned with a partner then it's natural to use we.

We don’t mind it.

Presumably because they go on holiday together and neither of them like AI.
I hate AI . I go away with my husband. I also go with my friend. In the context of holidays with my husband i would say we don't like AI . Because we don't.

I could not care whether people say 'we went out for dinner' or 'i went out for dinner'.

I find your voting options irritating. As if anyone is going to agree that people cease to exist once they enter a couple? It doesn't mean they don't think yabu for giving a fuck about their choice of pronouns.

Depends what it's related to. I say we if it was a joint thing like "we made this" "we decided this" If I'm talking to someone about the kids I'll say the kids or my kids, never "our kids"

I can't be doing with joined at the hip couples, I think it's nice when couples enjoy each others company, have shared interests but if they never go anywhere without each other its a bit odd.

A friend of mine hates her husband but if I text to ask how SHE is (not him) she invariably replies “we’re fine thanks”. Boils my piss. I WASN’T ASKING ABOUT HIM!!!!

It’s the supreme confidence of one half of the couple telling you “We would never vote xxx” or “We believe that xxx” while the other one says nothing that ends me.

Yeah that would be a good example of the kind of thing I mean

That’s not what the OP is objecting to — of course ‘we’ can go out for dinner. It’s factually accurate, like ‘we (both) had diarrhoea’ or ‘we got a dog/ met online/got evicted’. She’s annoyed by ‘We’re pregnant’ or ‘We just love asparagus’ or ‘We feel that Nigel Farage is misunderstood’.

In that case, I'd assume it was being said to clarify that it's a joint decision. As opposed to "I don't do AI, I've had to talk my husband out of them"

Or he’s got to be mentioned in every text. Shes got no time for him or any respect. She just doesn’t want to have to split the house. I don’t want to hear what he’s doing or not doing. He’s a moron and it’s not a proper marriage so stop pumping him down my throat and sugar-coating something I know is fake. Keep saying “we” won’t make me believe you.

I know exactly what you mean. For the "we love blue kitchens/love AI" etc, if they said "We both..." it would make a difference. It would acknowledge there are two independent minds in the couple.

Yeah that’s interesting. In my original post I was thinking of couples who I do think are happy, but I also had a friend in a very unhappy relationship (subsequently broken up) who used to use ‘we’ in this way. Maybe different couples do it for different reasons. In her case I do think it was something to do with the fact that she was staying in the relationship to be in a relationship, rather than because she liked the person, so maybe she felt if she wasn’t getting anything else out of it she at least wanted the perceived ‘status’ of being in a couple, and the ability to say ‘we’ at every opportunity!

Oh, god, I hate the "two hearts beating as one" stuff!