People in couples who only say ‘we’

[kerrypacker]

I’m sure lots of people have had the experience of making friends with somebody when you are both single, they then get into a relationship and start to talk about themselves as ‘we’ rather than ‘I’. It’s understandable and inevitable in some contexts if the relationship is a serious one, as they are sharing lots of aspects of their lives. However I do notice that some friends (still in happy relationships) seem more able than others to carry on talking about themselves as ‘I’ as well as ‘we’. It’s not just about word choice but state of mind, the relationship doesn’t become their whole identity.

AIBU to be a bit put off by friends who seemingly can only or mostly say ‘we’? Of course I understand that their relationship is very important to them, and of course I make effort to be friendly and do some things with their DP as well… but at the end of the day I made friends with an individual, not a unit. If the individual doesn’t exist any more, then tbh I’m not sure the the friendship does either.

YABU - once you’re in a couple you only exist as a we, get used to it

YANBU - it’s offputting

I'm bad for this. I've only recently realised that I use "we" for lots of things and very rarely do they involve my partner 😆. Like " We went for a really long walk this morning" but it's me and the dog whereas everyone thinks I meant husband who would have been at home working. I am trying to stop.

I do think there's sometimes a tendency for coupled up people to assume it's okay to include their spouse in privately shared confidences from their friends. Or to bring their spouse to meet ups.

"We're pregnant" is vomit inducing. I used to notice it a lot years ago on American pregnancy/baby programmes that I binge watched while I was having my dc, but it's become mainstream here too. I know these bloody twee couples think it's cute but to me it's appropriating female experiences. Some men have to elbow in on everything!

I guess some women lose their individual identity when they are in a relationship and that's not a good place for any woman to find herself. Which might be why it grates on us when we hear it.

Yes or hide behind it as an identity.
Yawn. Maybe that says something about me though, I'm probably over- independent and always struggle at some point in relationship over autonomy versus co-dependency and having good boundaries usually going extreme in one direction ! 😅

It can be rather 'mannered' too. eg I have an old school friend (married) who became rather flirty. I pulled him up on it. Now its: 'we' this & 'we' that. Yeah, right. If that's how you internally thought you'd not have behaved badly in the first place. I don't respond any more as I lost all respect for him.

@LadyBird1973 "I do think there's sometimes a tendency for coupled up people to assume it's okay to include their spouse in privately shared confidences from their friends. Or to bring their spouse to meet ups. "

Just so unacceptable. Makes me rage!

Though I would probably say "Neither of us likes olives" or "Neither of us likes skydiving". But "we have a cat" because that's a joint decision, not two separate identical decisions.

I don't think OP is talking about the use of ' We' in terms of correct grammar, she's talking about it's use in terms of co-dependent smugness/ and a diluted sense of individualism.

I agree re. confidences — I think it’s appalling, but people on here often do this virtuous performance of ‘I have no secrets from DH’.

I don’t think it’s just (some) women who lose individual identity in relationships. I can think of a few men I know who seem to borrow their partner’s friends, social life, habits etc for the duration of the relationship, go into neutral mode while single, then when they have a new girlfriend, adopt her social life. They’re too passive, lazy, inert, uninterested or whatever to have a friendship life of their own.